Ex boyfriend is having a baby

[cole898989]

Hello everyone, it’s been a while. I’m here with a new sort of question. A new dilemma.
Last year, I had been in a relationship with someone for about 2 years. We didn’t end up working out and had the most sane, reasonable break up I have ever had. We haven’t talked much since then, until about a week ago. He wrote me an email, sort of catching me up on his life, and asking me how I had been. All of the sudden, at the end of his email he says “and Cole, I just wanted to be the first to tell you, I’m going to be a dad." I guess the girl he started dating after me, he got pregnant. They are moving back to my home town, all of 4 miles away from me. At first I was shocked. A little...taken back. But mostly I was fine. We started to be friends on a social networking site (face book) and I keep getting these updates about the baby. "It’s a girl!" "We’re naming here grace”. All of the sudden I find myself sick to my stomach about the whole thing. There is noooo part of me that wishes I was having his child. I’m not one for kids. I just can’t understand whyyyy this is bothering me so much. I have dated since him, fell in love even. This is literally keeping me up at night. I have even dreamt about it. What the hell is going on here?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to med help!  This is an old post and the original person who posted this question hasn't been back in a long time.

You could start your own question by going to the top of the page and hitting "post a question" in orange.  

Then you will get lots of current members to write to you and discuss your personal situation.  

I am sorry if you are going through a rough time.  We are happy to try and help any way we can.  peace

[ems106]

I am in the same position now that you were in. How did you get over it, if at all?

[ch3rry617]

I was with my ex for over 9 years... i was with him since i was 13 years old n he was my first love...we had the worst break up ever!! it sucked so bad... we were getting ready to say "forever I do..." and then i caught him cheating on me...wtf!! I was so heart broken..but i felt i needed to prove to myself and him that i wasnt going to stand for it. so i did what i thought i needed to do...i called it off. Later he and i finally spoke after 6 months of no contact and i felt in my heart i still loved him and needed him in my life....and i guess he felt the same...only to little and no avail..because i found out he was still sleeping with the girl he cheated on me with...and was up to his mind games...he knew he could woo me when he wanted to...and i was done being his fall back girl. after 9 years i commited myself to him and thats all i get in return...NO WAY.

well anyway..i wound up moving on...found someone who loves me more than life itself..But why is it when i found out he got that same girl pregnant and bought a place with her...did i get a gut renching pain in my heart??? and why now that their due date is approaching does everyone who knows of he n I's past feel the need to tell me..."she is due on the 7th"...like i really wanna know...and Why do i keep pretending like I'm Okay with it? and how we ended up? Why do i keep questioning why he couldnt just love me the way i loved him...and why does my love still linger for him?? and how or why is this even possible when i truely do love my new man..and am planning our wedding? Why do i feel this way....maybe its the same reason you do....who the hell are we tryna fool??? I think you know just like i hate to know why i feel this way...we still have feelings for our Ex's and somehow have let them underline our hearts...and cannot let it go...the question is will it ever go away...and if so WHEN????

[salwa73]

I know just how you feel. I was with my ex for almost 8 years and we tried for babies but nothing and that eventually lead to the end of our relationship. I fortunately met a wonderful guy about 6 months later and now we're married, but he's scared of trying for a baby even though he knows it's important to me. Meanwhile I've just discovered my ex is having a baby with his new wife. Of course I feel terrible not so much because I still love him, more because he's now living the life I've been dreaming of for years!! I feel life's just not fair sometimes, but I have hope things will turn a round for me and my hubby soon and we'll all be happy :) Good luck...I'm sure you'll be over it all too soon.

[vmvnpv]

I'm not saying you want him back but it always makes you feel good to think an ex of yours "wants what he can't have."  (Meaning he wants you but he can't have you.)

[vmvnpv]

Are you in a relationship now?  It may not be a "you want what you can't have" issue.  To me it sounds like you are OK with him moving on but you don't have any way of proving to him that you have moved on too (if you're not in a relationship).  Maybe you want him to be jealous that you have moved on and maybe a part of you wishes he still wanted you back.  Now that he's in a relationship and having a baby with his new girlfriend it just "proves" that he is over you and moving on.  Even though I've been in my relationship with DH for 9 years when we first started dating I wanted all my exes to be jealous of my relationship because I wanted them to know they didn't mean that much to me anymore.  Maybe you are going through the same thing?  It may be a long shot but something to think about.

[pinkbelle]

I think is just a bit of jealousy.. you may not want to be with him but you are jealous that he is starting a family with someone else.. its that old saying.. ' you want what you can't have even though you don't want it' .. its normal to feel that way..  

[iam1butterfly]

It's shock and understandable surprise.
Maybe, even a wee bit of jealousy?
Not that you envy his situation.
But, he is, after all, with someone else; expecting a child
and is seemingly happy... for the time being.  
And, all of this happens so soon after the break-up with you.
Pondering and being sentimental about "what might have been" is perfectly normal.
Take joy in the good times that you shared with him.
Be glad that you had a amicable break-up (which is extremely rare).
And, focus on your own happiness; not his.

[msniki412]

I think that you may still have some kind of feelings for your ex. You were with him for 2 years (thats a long time in this day in age) to be with somebody. You shared many moments together and now that the fact he's living a happy life with a girl he loves and is having a baby, is unsettling to you. Yes you may be happy for him, but the thought of him being able to move on and have a great life is something that maybe you didn't think was possible. It's also very hard to be friends with ex's. I know from experience. Are you currently dating someone now? If not, then that might be the reason as to why this whole baby thing is bothering you. Let me tell you, if me and my current boyfriend (together for almost 2.5 years) broke up in a nice way that we just didn't agree on anything, and I later found out he was with another girl and having a baby....it too would bother me somewhat. It's just knowing how many moments and secrets we shared and now he is doing the something with another girl, I wouldn't feel right about it. He was once your somebody, your partner in life at a moment and now he isn't and he will soon be a somebody to 2 people.

I would suggest to maybe not be his friend on face book, just so you don't have to see the baby updates. Like I said it's really hard to be a friend to an ex, especially if you shared intimate moments together.

[Judy246]

Hi Cole....

Because he was once your love and the thought he got someone pregnant is unsettling. He use to belong to you and now he belongs to someone else. His life went on and he want you to share in his happiness.  You probably still have some feeling for him if it's keeping you up at night. It's ok to feel the loss of a love and you must let this one go.

If it bother's you hear about his happiness, either change your e-mail info on facebook, or you will have to continue to listen to his joy about being a father.

Learn to let it go, congratulate him and wish him only the best and let it go.

(You know we are to support you)...Judy

[mami1323]

Maybe it isn't about the fact that you want him, maybe it's the fact that he's moved on and is in love and having a baby.  The life that he's living.  Are you happy and with someone at the moment?  Maybe you wish you were in that place with someone and feeling a little jealousy over the fact that he's doing so well.  I think everyone experiences that at some point.  When you aren't really where you want to be in life and find out your ex is doing wonderful, it's a little stab in the heart.  But in all honesty, his life may be far from perfect.  I think the best thing for you to do is distance yourself from him.  Basically if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, did it fall?  What you don't know about his life won't make you feel bad inside.