Aa
Family Issue
We are a family of four. Wife ,10 year old boy, 3 year old girl. I am very fond of my kids, Me being a typical dad, play a lot with my kids , the usual stuff. All these years things have been pretty normal in our household. My wife one day came to me and starting asking me questions that my daughter has a rash in her private parts every time she leaves her with me when she is out. I was horrified when she asked me that. I tried telling her that maybe I am not good about cleaning and changing diapers. Deep down I know she has her doubts. My daughter just crawls up in the bed in the middle of the night many a times and sleeps between me and my wife. Yesterday at 4AM she slept on my chest and I did not even realize that. After a while I woke up and she went back sleeping between me and my wife. My wife saw that happen as she woke up by the movement. She called me up in my office today and started questioning me. She asked me why I put her down when she(my wife) woke up. She went on and said had you not put her down when I saw you. I would have been ok. I tried telling her the first time the diaper incident happened and the second time this happened that this is something wrong to think about out. She is a mother so she has to protect her child, be it an outsider or insider. I get that. But I am totally feeling horrible about myself. For my wife to think that way itself puts our relationship at a very bad level. It feels like she does not trust me. And who knows she might think the same way when something similar happens a different time. I am not sure what to tell her anymore. Being in a family, there are certain barriers of your thinking, if you start cross the barrier and think of your spouse or family member that way then all hell has broke lose. I am devastated that my wife thinks about me that way or even doubted me. I love my family very much and I don't want my wife think this way. I know I have not done anything wrong and I am finding it hard to explain her something which has never happened. Please help me.
You say she has "trust issues". Does she have a history of sexual abuse and so is hypervigilant about that, and can't relax about your daughter, and in fact, never will?
Is she also the kind of person who has no filter on what she says and has alienated others with her accusations and then makes statements like "I never accused you of anything, I'm just asking a question"? There are people who have no concept than when they question someone, that's an accusation - although they do recognize it when it's done to them. They think they have the right to say whatever they want that's defamatory as long as they don't do it in a factual way, but rather in a questioning way.
I think marriage counseling is a very good idea, if only to have someone else tell her how very offensive her statements are, and how hurtful, and she can't make statements like that and not expect you to be very hurt, and frankly, afraid of her.
Is she also the kind of person who has no filter on what she says and has alienated others with her accusations and then makes statements like "I never accused you of anything, I'm just asking a question"? There are people who have no concept than when they question someone, that's an accusation - although they do recognize it when it's done to them. They think they have the right to say whatever they want that's defamatory as long as they don't do it in a factual way, but rather in a questioning way.
I think marriage counseling is a very good idea, if only to have someone else tell her how very offensive her statements are, and how hurtful, and she can't make statements like that and not expect you to be very hurt, and frankly, afraid of her.
1 Comments
Absolutely, i would be afraid of a spouse who would automatically come to this conclusion regarding diaper rash and, i think it is necessary to talk to a therapist so you have it on record when these accusations started, and how upset the very thought of it made you. (Just as a women who is being abused is suggested that they talk to a doctor, for proof should this go any further).
I think you need to give her an ultamatum that she and you attend marriage counseling because you have an issue with the first rule (no hugs and kissing the kids) and now this. (diaper rash = paternal pedophile.
Let her finally know with no uncertainty that you are against both these "issues" she's brought up.
I'm sorry to say, but i would be considering doing this with the end game being custody of your kids , should your marriage not work out.
Let her know that you love your kids and their health and well being is as important to you as it is to her, and that maybe she could learn a thing or two about loving kids from you (backed by a therapist).
I think she has issues that a therapist should work with, with her and her alone. What's gone on is that she is showing you SHE needs help.
Know that it might be healthier and have better teaching moments for the kids to see you in a loving relationship that does not shun hugs and kisses. and that you can do this for them. (find another partner).
I feel for you brother.
I think you need to give her an ultamatum that she and you attend marriage counseling because you have an issue with the first rule (no hugs and kissing the kids) and now this. (diaper rash = paternal pedophile.
Let her finally know with no uncertainty that you are against both these "issues" she's brought up.
I'm sorry to say, but i would be considering doing this with the end game being custody of your kids , should your marriage not work out.
Let her know that you love your kids and their health and well being is as important to you as it is to her, and that maybe she could learn a thing or two about loving kids from you (backed by a therapist).
I think she has issues that a therapist should work with, with her and her alone. What's gone on is that she is showing you SHE needs help.
Know that it might be healthier and have better teaching moments for the kids to see you in a loving relationship that does not shun hugs and kisses. and that you can do this for them. (find another partner).
I feel for you brother.
I'm glad you told your wife that the first time she mentioned that your daughter always had a rash, and assumed it was you molesting your daughter, and then calling you up and accusing you because she was awoken, as you were when your daughter was moving in your bed, is ample reason why you both need to talk to a marriage counselor, immediately.
Show her that you're proactive. Please talk to her about saving discussing this subject while the kids are in the house anywhere, even if supposed to be asleep. This could cause either your daughter or son or both to believe that daddy hurt the sister, now or in years down the road. This must be kept quiet and the kids need to be totally protected from whatever the problem is. (and i think that it might be that your wife is super vigilant and scared from all the talk of incest and child sexual abuse out there and may be projected). Please let us know how you handle it.
You're all in my prayers.
Show her that you're proactive. Please talk to her about saving discussing this subject while the kids are in the house anywhere, even if supposed to be asleep. This could cause either your daughter or son or both to believe that daddy hurt the sister, now or in years down the road. This must be kept quiet and the kids need to be totally protected from whatever the problem is. (and i think that it might be that your wife is super vigilant and scared from all the talk of incest and child sexual abuse out there and may be projected). Please let us know how you handle it.
You're all in my prayers.
You've said things (at home) have always been pretty 'normal' and that you play a lot with your kids and i assume are considered a good dad. Do you have a close loving relationship with your wife with no marital problems? (could this be a case of getting you back for anything?) or could this be a case of your wife having her own trust issues that represent as personality defects of character (that unfortunately include you automatically being accused of lewd behavior because of a typical rash)?
Do you and your wife use diaper cream on your babies? with every diaper change? as is suggested? I used Penetan Diaper cream almost every time, a light layer depending if there is any redness (more if more if there is redness) It is a medicated cream that absolutely works wonders. If your wife has not shown you how to use diaper cream, that means that she has set you up to fail tending to your daughter, and proves that you need to research the subject of infant care on your own.
You've mentioned "kids" so you've got older child(ren) as well. Is this the FIRST TIME ANY OF YOUR KIDS HAVE HAD DIAPER RASH?
You're right, once your wife opened that door that you could be abusing your child, i'm afraid it may well take marriage therapy at the least to close it. IF YOUR WIFE IS UNABLE TO SEE THAT IT IS WRONG TO IMMEDIATELY ACCUSE AN OTHERWISE GREAT HUSBAND AND DAD OF SEXUAL ABUSE WHEN A BABY SHOWS SIGNS OF A DIAPER RASH, YOU MAY HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. If this is a case of your wife not trusting you, you're going to have problems and might as well start counseling. I've been told it's expensive, but if i were told by my spouse that they thought i might be abusing the kids, i might start to arrange a lie detector done to be able to show the results (in the case there is more diaper rash, or other alleged signs that you are abusing your children). I don't suggest you tell your wife you are getting the test done, as the results are not always right. People can get nervous and have a positive result when it should have been negative. You want a negative result , that you didn't lie..
with all kinds of parents talking about terrible rashes their children have gotten from diapers, I've copied the first case for you to read. The wife's first reaction could have been to assume the father molested their daughter, or she could have gone to the doctor for answers as to diaper rash. The way our children's health is dealt with can be very subjective, From this day forward, you know now that your wife's first thought is that you have harmed your children (a terrible terrible thing to accuse someone of without first at least talking to a doctor and making sure the accused party has all the right tools to do the job of child care.
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How fast does diaper rash appear???
My LO has her first bout of diaper rash and it is HORRIBLE! The affected area is about the size of a quarter, around her anus. There are little flecks of blood! I'm freaking out because I change her diaper religiously, wipe very well, and powder. I change her diaper even if its the teensiest bit wet- even if it is questionable whether or not she actually peed lol. So how on earth did she get a bleeding rash? OH noticed that she had blood on her bum while changing her diaper today (there was no blood this morning when I changed her?) so we ran her to the ER. We didn't know what it could be and better safe than sorry. Doctor peeks and says its peri rectal diaper rash and gave us a cream that should clear it up in a couple days.
How did she even get it is what I wanna know. :'( Poor girl was screaming and screaming when I changed her diaper afterward and applied the cream. Gut wrenching. I have never knowingly let her sit in an even somewhat moist diaper. OH admits he may have let her sit in the dirty diaper for too long, I told him not to worry and now he knows better but secretly I am livid. Seeeeething. But seriously I don't see how a rash that looks as scary as this one can be caused by one diaper and show up so fast!
The doctor at the emergency room said it could be a food reaction, but she isn't eating anything different this week and neither am I.
Has anyone else had a slightly bleeding diaper rash that seems to have come out of nowhere? Do all diaper rashes just pop up with no warning? Because I was so on top of making sure she doesn't get it and now she has a horrible one and I feel so bad for her! I'm really uneducated with diaper rash. I only know how to prevent it... Or maybe not since she has it. Ugh.
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https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/diras
Most diaper rashes last about 24 hours and can be treated at home. The rash clears up when the diapers are changed more often, careful washing and cleaning of the skin is done, or non-prescription ointments are put on the area.
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Do you and your wife use diaper cream on your babies? with every diaper change? as is suggested? I used Penetan Diaper cream almost every time, a light layer depending if there is any redness (more if more if there is redness) It is a medicated cream that absolutely works wonders. If your wife has not shown you how to use diaper cream, that means that she has set you up to fail tending to your daughter, and proves that you need to research the subject of infant care on your own.
You've mentioned "kids" so you've got older child(ren) as well. Is this the FIRST TIME ANY OF YOUR KIDS HAVE HAD DIAPER RASH?
You're right, once your wife opened that door that you could be abusing your child, i'm afraid it may well take marriage therapy at the least to close it. IF YOUR WIFE IS UNABLE TO SEE THAT IT IS WRONG TO IMMEDIATELY ACCUSE AN OTHERWISE GREAT HUSBAND AND DAD OF SEXUAL ABUSE WHEN A BABY SHOWS SIGNS OF A DIAPER RASH, YOU MAY HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. If this is a case of your wife not trusting you, you're going to have problems and might as well start counseling. I've been told it's expensive, but if i were told by my spouse that they thought i might be abusing the kids, i might start to arrange a lie detector done to be able to show the results (in the case there is more diaper rash, or other alleged signs that you are abusing your children). I don't suggest you tell your wife you are getting the test done, as the results are not always right. People can get nervous and have a positive result when it should have been negative. You want a negative result , that you didn't lie..
with all kinds of parents talking about terrible rashes their children have gotten from diapers, I've copied the first case for you to read. The wife's first reaction could have been to assume the father molested their daughter, or she could have gone to the doctor for answers as to diaper rash. The way our children's health is dealt with can be very subjective, From this day forward, you know now that your wife's first thought is that you have harmed your children (a terrible terrible thing to accuse someone of without first at least talking to a doctor and making sure the accused party has all the right tools to do the job of child care.
_______________________________
How fast does diaper rash appear???
My LO has her first bout of diaper rash and it is HORRIBLE! The affected area is about the size of a quarter, around her anus. There are little flecks of blood! I'm freaking out because I change her diaper religiously, wipe very well, and powder. I change her diaper even if its the teensiest bit wet- even if it is questionable whether or not she actually peed lol. So how on earth did she get a bleeding rash? OH noticed that she had blood on her bum while changing her diaper today (there was no blood this morning when I changed her?) so we ran her to the ER. We didn't know what it could be and better safe than sorry. Doctor peeks and says its peri rectal diaper rash and gave us a cream that should clear it up in a couple days.
How did she even get it is what I wanna know. :'( Poor girl was screaming and screaming when I changed her diaper afterward and applied the cream. Gut wrenching. I have never knowingly let her sit in an even somewhat moist diaper. OH admits he may have let her sit in the dirty diaper for too long, I told him not to worry and now he knows better but secretly I am livid. Seeeeething. But seriously I don't see how a rash that looks as scary as this one can be caused by one diaper and show up so fast!
The doctor at the emergency room said it could be a food reaction, but she isn't eating anything different this week and neither am I.
Has anyone else had a slightly bleeding diaper rash that seems to have come out of nowhere? Do all diaper rashes just pop up with no warning? Because I was so on top of making sure she doesn't get it and now she has a horrible one and I feel so bad for her! I'm really uneducated with diaper rash. I only know how to prevent it... Or maybe not since she has it. Ugh.
_____________________________________
https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/diras
Most diaper rashes last about 24 hours and can be treated at home. The rash clears up when the diapers are changed more often, careful washing and cleaning of the skin is done, or non-prescription ointments are put on the area.
______________________________________
4 Comments
a terrible terrible thing to accuse someone ...
I should have said husband, father of her children...
without first talking to doctor's therapists..
I should have said husband, father of her children...
without first talking to doctor's therapists..
Thank you very much for the detailed response. I am in a better state of mind after reading your response. I feel this issue is beyond the rashes or coincidences. You are right on the dot about personality defects of character affecting the relationship. I have a good relationship with my wife. I am considered a good father. For some reason my wife feels that hugging and cuddling with my 3year old and 10 year old is not a good thing to do. I overdo it sometimes because I am crazy about my babies. Wouldn't any parent do that? I am now finding it hard to be around my kids after all this. Yesterday, I asked her why she thought that way, she simply tells me, I saw something and I want an explanation. Nothing more than that. But my thought is that , the fact she is thinking about me that way, that itself is a very serious issue. My wife is a good mother and takes good care of her children. She is worried about our children when hears stories which I feel is normal as any parent would be. What is driving me nuts is that she never thought about how I will feel and what would it do our relationship and my relationship with our children. She feels justified that she should ask these questions to me and I should not feel anything about it. She feels I am overthinking? Am I? What explanation could I possibly give her which will make her feel better about the whole situation. I feel she has trust issues in her life and she is somehow pulling me into her world and maybe she is not able to comprehend how all this affects me. This is the second time this has happened, I am sure there will be another instance and I do not have the mental capacity to deal with this. Marriage counseling is a good idea but I need time to grasp this. I feel that, for her own fears she is risking our marriage and our family. I will give it sometime and maybe I will be able to rationally handle this situation. Thanks once again.
You asked and answered your own question here ... you must tell her she needs help... kids who are not cuddled have problems, i don't think you can harm a 3 or 10 year old child by giving more than enough hugs and kisses, but i sure as heck know you can harm them if you don't give them plenty of hugs and kisses ( my wife feels that hugging and cuddling with my 3year old and 10 year old is not a good thing to do). I think she needs to go to therapy to realize that you can be a good mother in areas of a child's love, but that doesn't mean that you couldn't use some further perspective as to parenting and also her tone and delivery. Even a mother who provides the necessities of life can do their kids a lot of harm with a holier than thou mentality. If she is under the illusion that she is perfect, that what she believes is the only right way to think, that can in itself be a very dangerous way to parent. It can give your kids the same qualities as she. It can affect every aspect of their life. Thanks be to God that you are there to show your kids physical love (cuddling, kissing and hugs).
Another thought, you've mentioned that she doesn't want you to handle the kids as much as you do, is there a possibility that she's come up with this scenario to stop you from doing so? You've already said that the accusation has made it so that you are uncomfortable with the kids. Maybe that's a happy coincidence for her? I know you may be hesitant about going to see a therapist guy, but i'm afraid this can go from bad to worse. and i would want to have a support system that is aware of problems within the marriage for everyone's own good.
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