Family parties coming up... what should I do?

[AnxiousGurl]

My baby is here now and he is such a blessing....such a good baby, I get atleast 4-5hrs of sleep a night if not 7!!!!! Wow, What can i say, some mothers are pulling their hair out right now, so I cant complain at all.

My therapist found another job, and I can't see her anymore :(  So Im really disappointed and am gonna miss her. She helped me sooo soo much. With that said.....here  is my issue.

I did not go around my family for the 9 mos that I was pregnant, alot of the reason they THINK is because of my BF but really it was my ANXIETY/PANIC attacks that I get, I went off my meds and all so I wanted to do what was best for my son, social situations ESPECIALLY my family get me really panicky, I remember one easter (before finding help & getting on meds) I would drink a glass of wine before a family occassion.  

Just a quick background on my family...they all like to drink and put everyone down, me and my mom were always treated like CRAP. They always denied my mom had medical problems until now! AFTER she lost TOO much wait and can barely walk without someone holding on to her. NO ONE in my family knew about my anxiety because I knew it was just be a waste of breath and energy to explain. SO I always hid it with alcohol or meds.

ALL of a sudden I stop coming around and my uncle invites my mom over for dinner every once in awhile....WOW. What a shocker.....we  always had some sort of money troubles and rather than helping us out we would have to clean his dirty *** house and he'd pay us.......NOT ONLY THAT. BUT all FOUR of my moms brothers are contractors and they built a home for nothing for someone they went to school with that ended up in a wheelchair yet they say "POOR (MY moms name" And look at her as if nothing is wrong when its smack dead in their face. (NOW they are just starting to come around and be there a LITTLE, since I havent come around, I think theyre just starting to realize how sick my mom really is now)

Anyway. During my pregnancy I called up my grandmother (After ignoring many of her phone calls and texts) And said it has NOTHING to do with my BF why I havent come around, I said I have REALLY BAD Panic attacks and anxiety her response was very nonchulant(sp?) OHHH WELLL you just have to get over it, breath and count to 5. think of something positive. ALLS Icould do was yes her to death because I knew I would be wasting my breath.

SOOOO Towards the end of my pregnancy my mom told my grandma that I have anxiety and she just doesnt get it she says well we're family (YET NONE of them know me)
THEN, My the same uncle says "WHAT does she expect us to come around when the baby is here?"

We plan on having a christening for my son at a hall..... I just talked to my cousin over the phone yesterday and she said that my uncle said "HE NEVER GOT THE INVITE" BUT THENN My BF mom just got the RSVP from my uncle's GIRLFRIEND saying they cant make it. DOES HE NOT HAVE ANY BALLS. I get the fact that he's hurt or whatever, but come to me as a MAN, an UNCLE, A GODFATHER!!!!!!!!!! NOPE he wants to be a coward.

SO anyway my OTHER UNCLE (The ONLY one who came to the hospital to see me and the baby) said to my mom "I REALLY WISH I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW HER"   well isn't it kinda late for that now that im all grown uppp.....oh well....

Well, atleast he made an effort.......

THE THING NOW IS....There will be a birthday party for my lil cousin in OCT. the Christening is in NOV.

I know if I go to the bday party and things arre awkward none of them will come to the christening.....but if I skip the parrrty and see who comes to the christening....that will tell me who to keep around and who to keep out of my life?????? WHAT Would you do.? I don't know what I should do. They say your family is your family....and everyones got a messed up family OR Family member...I just dont knowwww.......help! Opinions please!

[specialmom]

Well, it is kind of a catch 22.  You have anxiety around them and you have anxiety about not being around them.  So how to get past that?  I think first and foremost, think of what YOU can control.  That is only yourself.  So, I'd do some self talk and try to change your attitude.  Have zero expectations of them.  Zero.  Let go of past hurt and move forward as an adult making adult relationships.  Yes, we do many things for the sake of our children and getting along with our family is one of the things we want to model for them.  It can't always be done if the family is so terrible that they are unsafe to be around--- and that is for you to decide.  But if you decide that, you have to stick to it.  You can't have it both ways----------.  Now, you can definatley have boundaries and everyone should.  If you don't want too much contact then you can call the shots.  Go to the birthday party and show up on time and leave exactly 2 hours later.  That is a nice amount of time for a visit and trouble doesn't usually brew in that short time frame.  YOu don't have to go for the whole thing.  Be pleasant to everyone.  Rise above any drama and just focus on your baby and modeling to him/her how to act.  I know he/she is a baby------ but you know what I mean.  Do visualization exercises of how you want to be at the party.  And then try to be that way.  A good deal of how something turns out is our attitude going into it.  So THIS is what you can control.  

I know a good deal about anxiety and I agree with you that treatment of it is very important.  I think you are taking a break from that but if you have suffered from anxiety for a long time, you may need to go back to it.  Hormones get a little out of whack after a pregnancy and even with the good little sleeper you have, I'm sure you are still tired which will increase our anxiety levels.  I don't know if you need to be on medication or not but I think being very aware of yourself is important.  Do what you have to do to stay in tip top shape emotionally.  I think if you can put the baby in a stroller and take some fast paced walks, it will help with anxiety.  It releases our natural "happy" chemical in the brain.  

I think that you should go to your cousin's birthday party with an open heart.  I think you send out the invitations to the baptism to whomever you are confortable with after some soul searching.  If you aren't sure, invite them.  As your family triggers some of your underlying anxiety, dealing with the anxiety will make dealing with them better.

Remember though, if you've pushed people away----------  they may not line up right away to come back to you.  It takes time for THEM to get over that.

I wish you luck in figuring this all out.  I wish your therapist was still available to help you.  good luck

[AnxiousGurl]

NOO.  Its not for a present....My mom is stuck in the middle....and I do it for her...she wants them in her life yet she knows how they are....so I kind of feel bad...and go around just for her sake......the only one I want to keep around is my uncle....my aunt is very stuck up.....and I dont want to even be around her at times.....im sorry i made it so confusing......but I AM CONFUSED. I dont know if I want my family in my life or not..... I really dont....they are a BIG part of my anxiety. So i feel at a tug a war do i go for my mom or not...... I cant handle them without my medsn at this point......IF you dont have anxiety....you dont understand it and never will unless you went thru it.....so I see what your saying when its like i drew a line in the sand.....I did.....and they took it the wrong way.......THE ONLY reason Id' want to come.....is for my baby cousins....cause they are still babies and I love them....just like i was close to certain cousins when i was little now they grew up to be drunk, druggie or stuck up fake people that i dont really want to be around.....but they are FAM and to an extent yes I love them.....im just confused.......



Thank you for the congrats on the baby....

[specialmom]

Hm.  Very confusing.  First---------- congrats on your baby . . . they are such a blessing, aren't they?  Love them to pieces because time goes so very fast.  

Now, why I am confused by your post is that you seem very opposed to your family  You made a conscious decision to stay away from them during pregnancy but seem to want them at the Christening and even get upset that they didn't come around to visit at the hospital  Honestly, if someone has a problem with me during pregnancy---------- I'm not showing up at the hospital.  And, if they tell me they are too anxious to be around me, I'm not going to ruin their child's christening.  So I think you've set this up for them to not come.  You (YOU) have drawn a line in the sand.  You either want family around or you don't.  You need to decide which it is.  You can't pick and choose when you feel like it.  Ya know what I mean?

I think if you do not go to the birthday party, I wouldn't expect them to come to your Christening.  You are sending messages to them that say you want no part of them.  What are they suppose to do with that?  I think that if you want them to be part of your life------------ stop thinking of what they did and didn't do for you as a child.  That is irrelevant.  It isn't their responsibility to build their sister a home or give them money.  And I wouldn't carry around anger that they weren't that interested in you as a child------- that is not all that uncommon with uncles.  When I was an adult and held interesting conversations------- my uncles paid more attention to me as a person.  Before that they just patted me on the head and sent me on my way.  So I think you need to let go of this kind of thing.

If they are abusive drunks--------- then why invite them to the Christening.  It is just confusing to me.  Maybe you can explain why you want them there.  Is it for a present?  

So I think that now that you are a grown up and mother, you should just relax about your family. Try to stay in contact without the drama.  

And most importantly, find another therapist to help with your anxiety and panic.  Often this will worsen after a baby.  I'd see when you can start the meds again to help you feel better again and maybe deal with family dynamics that are less than ideal but still able to cope with them.  good luck and enjoy your baby!