Something has been bothering me for a long time. Four years ago, my boyfriend of three years, Jeff was killed in a car accident. It was very hard on me.
It was just so unexpected since he was an instructor or guide for numerous things like skydiving, rafting, kiteboarding and more. So it was weird that he died in a car accident. That just hit me so hard.
Also ever since then I learned that Jeff was the only man who can make me feel totally relaxed, comfortable, content and safe. I have never feel more relaxed than when he’s around. Jeff is the type of person who can always stay calm in the situation that would give most people nervous breakdown. I feel like you can tell him that the bridge he’s on will break down at any time and his pulse wouldn’t even rise at all as he calmly figure out a way to get out of this situation.
I seriously almost never worry about anything when I’m with him. I also love how he lives his life. He doesn’t care for luxury or what others have. He only work part time at jobs he really love and is so content with his life that I never heard of him complaining about not having something or being unable to do something. This make me so happy as I have never feel any pressure to compete with other because I was always focus on myself and what I want in life.
Other thing that was so helpful and nice is, I have a recurring nightmare few times a month that would wake me up all scared. When I was with Jeff, I can just snuggle against him and he’d not even mind it at all and I would feel comfortable and secure right away. Also Jeff never yells, raise his voice, call name or anything. In fact I have never really seen him mad.
Ever since he passed away, I just feel like no men can compare. I’ve tried to date a big buffy manly man, it is just not the same. I’ve tried to date military men which were the best out of all men I’ve dated.
I’m currently with a man who is an attorney. I’ve been with him for about a year now. I do love him, but I just don’t feel that carefree, safe, and happy with him. I just feel like he’s too into his work and worry about money and stuff. He just doesn’t seem to know how to truly enjoy his life or be happy. He also isn’t nearly as cuddly or affectionate as Jeff. To make thing worse, he keep talk about marriage and wanting buy a bigger house and better cars which will put us under more debt! That’s not what I want!
I don’t know what to do. I’m just so scared and worried. I feel like I’ll never have anyone that I’ll truly be content with. I also still miss Jeff dearly eventhough I have moved on.