Avatar universal

Feel like I'll never find anyone I'm truly happy with

Something has been bothering me for a long time. Four years ago, my boyfriend of three years, Jeff was killed in a car accident. It was very hard on me.
It was just so unexpected since he was an instructor or guide for numerous things like skydiving, rafting, kiteboarding and more. So it was weird that he died in a car accident. That just hit me so hard.
Also ever since then I learned that Jeff was the only man who can make me feel totally relaxed, comfortable, content and safe. I have never feel more relaxed than when he’s around. Jeff is the type of person who can always stay calm in the situation that would give most people nervous breakdown. I feel like you can tell him that the bridge he’s on will break down at any time and his pulse wouldn’t even rise at all as he calmly figure out a way to get out of this situation.
I seriously almost never worry about anything when I’m with him. I also love how he lives his life. He doesn’t care for luxury or what others have. He only work part time at jobs he really love and is so content with his life that I never heard of him complaining about not having something or being unable to do something. This make me so happy as I have never feel any pressure to compete with other because I was always focus on myself and what I want in life.
Other thing that was so helpful and nice is, I have a recurring nightmare few times a month that would wake me up all scared. When I was with Jeff, I can just snuggle against him and he’d not even mind it at all and I would feel comfortable and secure right away. Also Jeff never yells, raise his voice, call name or anything. In fact I have never really seen him mad.

Ever since he passed away, I just feel like no men can compare. I’ve tried to date a big buffy manly man, it is just not the same. I’ve tried to date military men which were the best out of all men I’ve dated.
I’m currently with a man who is an attorney. I’ve been with him for about a year now. I do love him, but I just don’t feel that carefree, safe, and happy with him. I just feel like he’s too into his work and worry about money and stuff. He just doesn’t seem to know how to truly enjoy his life or be happy. He also isn’t nearly as cuddly or affectionate as Jeff. To make thing worse, he keep talk about marriage and wanting buy a bigger house and better cars which will put us under more debt! That’s not what I want!

I don’t know what to do. I’m just so scared and worried. I feel like I’ll never have anyone that I’ll truly be content with. I also still miss Jeff dearly eventhough I have moved on.
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13167 tn?1327194124
FShay,  do you realize you still talk about Jeff in the present tense?  I don't think you've even begun the process of grief,  you're still in the first stage,  "denial".

Have you sought grief therapy?  I think it would be very beneficial to you.

Best wishes.  Jeff sounds like he was really a wonderful man.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would like to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I lost someone very close to me 6 years ago and I think of her everyday. The pain is still there, but time does help. She was my daughter. So it is a little different from your loss.
He sounded like an amazing person.
I think you are still hurting, sweetheart. I don't think being in a relationship right now is conducive to the pain you feel. You will find a good man again.. Someday. The man you are with now sounds like a good person, don't get me wrong. But he is not what you need. You need someone like your late boyfriend... They aren't easy to come by. I think you already know this.
Money is a good thing, but so many people hold that to be more important than people. You don't need a workaholic, you need someone who can meet your emotional needs. You don't even feel secure with the man you're with. I am so sorry sweetheart, I may be way off.. But it is OKAY to be alone right now. You suffered a terrible loss.

All I am trying to say is that you don't need to just settle with someone. You're not married, no children.. That is good dear. You should gracefully bow out of this relationship and do some serious soul searching. You WILL find someone who is like Jeff..
I pray you find happiness dear

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi there.  Oh, I too am so very sorry.  What a loss for you hon.  I would agree that grief counseling would really help you.  You are almost still in shock.  Losing someone in a tragic way like this can have symptoms that range from something like PTSD to a complete numbness with moments of utter pain/agony.  You do indeed talk about him in the present tense.  It must really hurt to think about him and what you've lost.

I will be honest.  I don't want you to end up alone by any means but you are just not ready to date.

Now, I also want to mention something.  I lost my mother in a tragic way and it is fascinating what has happened with my sister and myself.  I'm in a position of really only remembering good things about her.  She was like an angel to me, near perfect mother, fabulous person, just really wonderful.  Such a huge loss to me.  My sister, on the other hand, fixates on her what were her negative attibutes.  (hey, we all have them).  She will call me out of the blue to tell me 'something she's just been thinking about' and whamo . . . it is something my mon did that she didn't like.  It always cuts me to the core as I'm on the other side.  She was perfect to me (or is now).  But . . . what I realize is that we are both responding to grief and loss and cooping our own ways.  

You see Jeff as perfect.  He did have his flaws but your subconsious has blocked them out.  And now---  because you are only allowed or want to think of him as perfect, no man can stack up to him.  

I can let my thoughts of my mother being perfect stand as I'm not searching for another mom.  I'm also never going to enter into a disagreement with my sister about it because she feels the loss just like me and it helps her to think that 'well, mom stunk.  So maybe it's not so bad not having her."  I know deep down she had bad qualities as everyone does and that keeps me centered.

It worries me for you though as you have a skewed view of all men due to  your subconsious coping mechanism of making him perfect.  

Therapy.  My best advice-------  ask around and try to seek someone that specializes in grief.  I actually went to a Christian counselor for grief with LifeWay (which does have offices throughout the country).  I can not tell you how valuable that was in helping me.

So, see what your options are for talking to a grief counselor.  It could change things for you.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1548028 tn?1324612446
I am so sorry for your loss.  Jeff sounded like a great person.  I think therapy would be good for you just to talk all of this out.  You may never find another Jeff but he would want you to find someone that will make you truly happy!  He sounded like a person who just loved life and he would want you to love life too!  Don't settle for anything that doesn't make you happy.  Until you can say Jeff was a great person but I found someone who is a great person also and this person lights up my world...  Many ((hugs))!  
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