Avatar universal

Feel lost

Its been few years since i lasted posted on medhelp.
I don't know if its the right forum,Sorry if am long.
I recently got separated from hubby at the start of this year. unfortunately he could not stop his addictions and it was not healthy for me and our child, so i choose to move away. For the last few months he has been homeless as his parents threw him out of the house. Recently he has been to jailed and today upon his release he came to see me. We had a love marriage and I would have been 10 years this year. So while he was away i was finally be able to breath and even stopped thinking about him. So today he came to see me at my work. I told him to start his life afresh. He wants us to be together again and I do not. I had loved him but he has hurt me too much. In order to help him move away and so that he does not harm himself, I told him to construct himself first then we will see. He had aged so much in such a little time that i did not have the heart to be harsh and tell him to forget it, that there will no longer be us. I feel awful to give his false hope. What should I do?
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495284 tn?1333894042
Stick to your guns on this.  You are much happier now and it is time for him to find himself.  That isnt on you.  Seems he has no where to go and it is pretty common for them to try to weasel their way back in.  People with addictions always look for the easy way out.  Do him a favor by not enabling him in any way.
Helpful - 2
Agree!  You speak wisdom.
207091 tn?1337709493
DominoSarah isn't biased against those with addictions - she is one. She is a recovering addict and knows what she's talking about.

I've been in 2 significant relationships with addicts. Unless they get serious, long-term help, nothing will change. You've been in a 10 year relationship with this man, and it seems most of it has been turmoil. You were happier without him. That's very important.

There isn't any need to be harsh, but definitely create the boundaries, and hold firm. If you never got counseling, now would be a great time.

I wish you the best.

(Paxiled - if a post disappears, just make a new post with a period or something and it should post the other one out. You don't have to retype it all. Then you can just report the post with the period, and the mods will delete it.)
Helpful - 2
Hey, thanks, auntie.  If I remember this thread I'll try that.  It's started happening a bit lately, and it's frustrating, so thanks again.  And let me say, bias isn't necessarily something caused by malevolence.  When we're personally invested, we get biased.  I was just trying to speak to the poster, not myself.  Often we tend to talk to ourselves instead of the person posting.  This poster doesn't want to be harsh, it appears.  It appears they had ten years of love.  It might not look as good now, but it did then.  She might not be at all co-dependent.  Lots of people love people who are flawed.  Some bail easily as they can't emotionally handle the difficulty others are having.  We're different.  I don't know where the poster falls in this continuum, but down below we're talking already about restraining orders, which are very hard to get and only apply when violence or harassment is threatened or occurring.  In other words, my post didn't assume I knew either the person posting or the person she's glad to be broken up with.  I did, however, and do have sympathy and empathy with the troubled person too.  That's just how I roll, whereas I do notice too often females on here gang up on the guy.  I pretty much agreed with everyone that this relationship is over because the poster is happier without him, I only differed on telling her to be abrupt and harsh because we don't know the full story and she doesn't seem to want to go down that road.  It's her road, not ours.  Peace.
973741 tn?1342342773
Life with an addict is very hard. They put their drug of choice over and above all else. They can't help it, they suffer the disease of addiction but I say save yourself.  You HAVE to try to create a healthy life for yourself. If someone with an addiction problem will not do all the hard work to overcome it, it is impossible to have a healthy life with them.  

I have a loved one who is an alcoholic.  They lived the rest of their life sober after spending a year before that time overcoming their addiction.  But had they not gotten sober, I would not have been able to keep them in my life.  It was too emotionally destructive to my own life.  

Being codependent is not a happy life.  I am pleased that you are choosing not to live this way.  His parents threw him out of the house because his addiction still rages. He has no where to go. Not surprising he wants to come back to you.  I agree to stick to your guns. If he gets clean and stays that way for at least a full year after, then you can think about if you want to be with him in any capacity again. But striving for a more healthy living condition for yourself makes very good sense here.  hugs to you. This is not easy. ALSO, seeing a therapist to discuss WHY you were with an addict is really beneficial too. We can repeat patterns. You don't want to repeat this one.  
Helpful - 1
You can also consider a restraining order if he will not leave you alone or is erratic.  While extreme, it does make a point and get the job done. Change your locks.  If you have to, change your address.  
Avatar universal
Not sure I'd want to go this route, but to each their own.  You had a 10 year relationship in which you say you were in love.  Now you're not because he burned you out, and that part I get.  But the above seems to have a bias against men or those with addictions, which you probably don't have.  I can't imagine it being easy to put behind him that long of a relationship.  It's always very hard when a couple splits up because only one of them wants to do that.  So for you, you've moved on and are convinced you are better for it, but he hasn't had that chance because he never lost his feelings for you.  Apparently, anyway, because in this case there are complications in that whatever his "addictions" are he ended up in prison, and so that makes this quite different from a relationship where this level of behavior doesn't exist.  I agree you need to do what's best for you, but you also need to do it in the way that makes you feel good about it.  If you're not a harsh person, don't be harsh.  If you are, then that's who you are.  We don't have the scoop of how the relationship went and how it went wrong for you, but again, there are abrupt breakups which are very very painful and hard to understand for the person who didn't want the breakup, as you were willing to let him be him for 10 years.  My main point being, do what makes you feel the best and if you don't really want to hurt him any more than you have to, act that way, and if the only way to end this is to be abrupt because of his personality, then you have to do it that way.  You know best.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Another response disappears.  Annoying.  Anyway, I would counsel you to act in the way that makes you feel the best about it and hurts him the least.  You loved him for ten years and you let him be him for 10 years.  You can't expect him to suddenly disappear when it's only you who wants the relationship to end.  To him, the love hasn't died, unless he's been lying, which you don't say and probably can't know.  That's a long time to be with someone and it doesn't die easily for the person who didn't choose for it to end.  One-sided breakups are always very very hard on the person who didn't want the breakup.  It's a lot easier for the one who did want it to end.  If you aren't a cruel person, don't try to be one, it will only make you unhappy.  While you do need to do what's best for you, you don't have to do it in a way that crushes him, and he's someone you did love a long time.  If abruptness is the only way to do this and you have to do this for your own well-being, that's that way it has to be, but if it doesn't have to be that way and you aren't that kind of person, don't do it that way.  It doesn't matter how you do it, you've decided.  He hasn't.  I get that he has some problems that aren't there in the average breakup, but you can't expect him to just disappear.  It's been a long time and he's still attached to you.  Time will take care of that.  Don't let him back in if that hurts you, but don't be harsh either if that also hurts you and him.  This can't be easy, it just can't be.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
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