Avatar universal

Found out my husband is bisexual

I found out my husband is bisexual when looking through his phone. Sending messages saying “Hi I’m a bi-guy online. Also saw tons of gay porn websites. We have a great marriage and are totally happy but this is eating me up inside. I don’t know what to do.  If I tell him I saw it on his phone he’ll know I went through his phone and he’ll think I don’t trust him I don’t know if he’s acting on it or just looking at it online but it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do please help .
7 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
Well, seriously, if your husband is hiding a secret that he is bi and meeting others or interested in meeting others, the least of your concerns is being outed for looking at his phone.  Straight up, you have to talk to him.  The gay porn, hm. Well, sometimes people have various fantasies or are turned on by things they'd never do.  That's a trickier one to draw a conclusion from.  What someone finds erotic doesn't mean they'd necessarily really want to do it in real life.  BUT, you are seeing 'hi, I'm bi guy online?"  like he is making introductions with people?  You have to tell him that you are suspecting there is something he is not telling you, is he bisexual?  Is he sleeping with men?  You don't even have to mention his phone.  Just ask him and ask him to be honest.  

If he is, would this mean the marriage is over for you?  
I don’t believe he ever actually met anyone or have done anything with anyone since we’ve been together. He was always such a  womanizer growing up I’ve known him my whole life . He use to sleep with a lot of girls when we were younger. I just don’t understand why he is looking at gay porn. Has he always done that or is it over the past 10 years or so. I have no idea. We have such a wonderful marriage that’s why I don’t understand why he is watching gay porn. What is up with that
If he is bisexual that would explain him looking at gay porn, being he gets heterosexual sex in marriage. There is nothing unclear about that and I don't know why it puzzles you (considering you know now he is bisexual). If you are jealous about him looking at gay porn, don't be. You can't magically grow a penis to satisfy his curiosity for males, so let him get his juices up from looking at porn. There is no harm in it, and it doesn't mean he likes you any less. I've noticed alot of girls here freaking out when they find out their husbands/BFs are watching porn - well newsflash: every guy does! And even if some of you girls think, "no way he doesnt! He told me he doesn't!"... he still does.
Avatar universal
Ok him being bi-sexual is not a big deal. If he is trying to meet someone online for sexual satisfaction is the whole other issue. People generally freak out when they hear they partner is bisexual, but it doesn't mean he has to have sex with both genders all the time. Only if you are sexually interested in both genders doesn't mean you have to do it simultaneously. Maybe he misses having sex with other men, now that he's married. But he also probably misses having sex with other women. Just as you might miss having sex with other guys. It's a normal thing about the marriages, the rule of monogamy. It doesn't mean he wants to score all the time.
You could ask him on the sly if he has ever fantasized about having sex with a male, like you're curious how common that thing is. If he does't open up to you and say "well you know what, I am and I think I'm bisexual" it can be a red flag meaning he either doesn't trust you enough to open up, or that he might be curious but not completely in touch with his sexuality (which makes some people go online trying to find a mate just to satisfy that curiosity).
How old are you and how long have you been married? Also, how is your sex life? Do you have sex on regular basis? Do you feel he's attracted to you? Because if there are problems in that area it might just be the case that he's homosexual and started emerging from the closet just recently. Note that this is really unlikely so don't freak out. My general idea is that you don't have to be freaked out.
Avatar universal
That's weird that he'd keep his sexuality a secret from you. Hopefully he can open up about it. My concern would be that he's talking with other people behind your back. Why did you decide to check his phone anyway? I don't think there's anything wrong with that, you're married, should be no secrets. Good thing you did check it! Are you ok with him chatting with men for sexual purposes? Of you are that's cool. No harm no foul. If you aren't, you two need to figure out something that works for Both of you. And keep in mind... That generally anything that you wouldn't do in front of your partner.... Is cheating. If he can't tell you about his online dating/chatting.... In my book, tho maybe not yours!!!!, That's cheating.
134578 tn?1614729226
Saying "Hi, I'm bi-guy online!" might be the sum total of it, that he acts bi online only. I can see it would surprise you, but it shouldn't threaten you or make you feel like you have to talk about your 10-year marriage or anything. People do fantasize.

But if you think he is doing something about this and is not just online, that is a different story. Some of the other posters mentioned that you can just ask him, you don't have to admit to snooping in his phone. If you have an opening ("Wow, look at this article! It turns out that [name of celebrity] is bisexual. I would not have guessed.") then use that, as a way to more or less naturally give him a window to let you know his fantasy life.

I hope for your sake it is a fantasy life only, since if not, you're dealing with a more difficult set of issues.

Another way to open the discussion might be to tell him that in your last checkup, your doctor told you it is always a good idea to get checked for STDs, and you blew it off because you knew he had been faithful and of course you have been faithful. Ball is in his court then.
But, main point is (and as others have said) what he thinks about and fantasizes about at times, is not what he is necessarily doing. Please don't combine the two in your mind and leap to the conclusion that he is physically cheating. A little mental fantasizing is not the same. He might even be indulging in this fantasizing in order to stay physically on the straight and narrow with you.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm going to answer your question by putting myself in your shoes, and my husband in your husband's shoes , hopefully to effectively mirror the complex scenario you find yourself in.

First off, if I were to bring up bi-sexuality when my husband was actively seeking online communication (at the least) i think he would for sure, figure i most likely was bating and fishing and had in fact,  seen his phone. I'm pretty sure he would not assume that this was simply  a case of my subconscious or conscious intuition, or that my queries were merely a coincidence that i had a burning desire to get him talking about bi-sexuality.

So i guess what i'm saying is this, if my husband thought that I was so scared of knowing the truth that i couldn't bring myself to talk about it, that he would probably clear his phone of anything incriminating, ask me to retrieve a message or two for him, letting me know that he had no problem with my seeing his messages and on this phone - that he now had nothing to hide from me.  He may feel that if this was done, without speaking of it in real terms, he was telling me that it meant nothing and to let it go. It's not real if you don't talk about the issue head on -  i was essentially saying, don't tell me what i don't want to hear. Don't be honest, because it will be too much for me to handle. Hide this sin from me. Is it a sin? to be seeking ANY SEXUALLY CHARGED ATTENTION with another while in a relationship IS SUBJECTIVE.  Cheating, is SUBJECTIVE.

I think if my husband was in denial enough to believe it's okay to go online and look for another, he would be happy to leave me in denial as he himself was, and that if we don't talk about it, he probably would think he was doing me a favour.

Fact is, that i would definitely handle the situation head on, I would tell him i was looking at his phone, and that my view of a relationship is that i should be able to be aware of anything he was thinking or saying. That it was my right to know if he was not being honest with me.

Where would this lead for me? To a  marriage counselor to get through to my husband that i had a right to know whatever he was doing, so that i , in turn, could make other arrangements for my life and future. No judgement about whatever it is he's into, just an absolute that i have a right to choose what type of person i'm committing myself to. I would have to know that while my husband has a right to do whatever it is he wishes to do, i have the right to say i want no part of him if the checks and balances of our relationship are no longer acceptable to me.  Life is short and in a partnership, particularly,  honesty IS THE IDEAL currency.  Nothing is ever as important as the respect that comes from UNWAVERING HONESTY. A therapeutic environment would help both parties agree to a baseline. A therapist could more easily and objectively , i believe, set minimum standards of decency in the rules of engagement and make a plea for a lucid commitment for both parties to acknowledge that both parties have the RIGHT to rely upon honesty, and their right to decline from further engagement with what is unacceptable to them to continue. In other words, I think by understanding that marriages are a two way street, a person who might otherwise easily fall into lying might refrain if there was a clear understanding from the beginning that it is only decent and pertinent for both parties to enjoy what comes from the courtesy of honesty .Nobody wants to be duped and anyone can be duped. It sure would help relationships if there was simply a baseline of complete honesty Not so much rules of behavior, just the golden rule of honesty .

He should have shared he was looking elsewhere for attention  he should have told you he was bi- or bi curious,  there is no getting around that. If the tables were turned, i'm sure he'd feel the same way.

Do therapists make house calls? Maybe that's the way to start.

Thank you for your input it definitely makes since
Avatar universal
I think Him knowing You looked at His phone has little or nothing to do with this.  You, after all are His Wife.  But then, there's my own personal feelings that I would never do nor say anything I would not do or say in front of my Own Husband.  My Husband feels  same commitment.  I totally don't understand that "invasion of privacy".  To my thinking "privacy" falls under bathroom duties !!
I know others don't feel this way BUT - as  His Wife AND as His Sexual Partner, You deserve to know His sexual practices.  You NEED to know if He's acting out His sexuality with ANYONE other than.  It's Your Body, Your Life and it Your Responsibility to protect YourSelf even if that means 'confessing' that You looked at His phone.  I agree with NightHawk's message to You 100,000 % !!
I love to hear your posts :) You're so tuned in and succinct :_)  Wonderful Madame TTinKK
Thank You So Much NightHawk.  I  must return the compliment as I always enjoy reading Your contributions.  You have much insight and understanding and You ALWAYS articulate them very well !!  
aawww xo
134578 tn?1614729226
Hm. I understand what NightHawk is saying. The "honesty" part, though, is interesting. There is honest, and there is dumping your secret on someone else and making it their problem. Would I tell my husband if I had a crush on the UPS driver? Probably not. Why worry him over something I would know myself was stupid and had no interest in doing anything about? NightHawk is saying it is honest to reveal even that, since it has an impact on my husband's choice to stay married. But it's possible it might bother my husband more than the crush means.

Meaning, obviously (here I think everyone agrees) if your husband is physically acting out, you have to know. No question. It impacts your marriage, your safety, and your emotional connection. But what if it's only him typing stuff like this online, and/or looking at pictures?  It's still coming up to the level of "have to tell," but someone might justify to himself keeping it a secret because he doesn't intend to act on it and doesn't want his partner to be hurt. In your shoes, I would want to know how far it goes. But if my husband was convincing in telling me it only went so far as to read now and then on a gay chatroom, I think I might consider giving him the privacy of his thoughts. (Unless, of course, it was a precursor to more active experimentation on his part. Then I'd give him his freedom.)

Guess I'm saying I would ask him about it. I would not assume he's acting out unless he says he is. But I'd want to know how far it goes.
If my husband was wasting time (and he was) why not put this problem out?
i know i could do without my husband spending 12 hours a week on gay chatrooms, but that is just me.  Love to hear from you - I just about died from a common cold recently. Life is GOOD. lol
also, i'm supposed to be my partner's best friend, so i think if i knew i might be able to help and it would be important for me to have a deep powerful connection that allowed us to talk about everything. and helpfully find solutions.
One may not be able to count on complete honesty on the street, but they should at home
If it something that doesn't matter as much as the relationship : why not [email protected]% can anything that disrupts the peace.
I've just dealt with something somewhat the same : my husband who is schizophrenic has been using oxycontin on the street for years, i committed him to the psychiatric unit and we're left with the diagnosis of cognitive impairment and early onset dementia - we got sober together in 2000 - so i thought - i blamed the adverse affects of the drugs on his schizophrenia - and his VeRy coDePenDent relationship with his only child from a divorce - In the 12 step program honesty is the corner stone  : We are not being honest because his very life depends on it - he refuses to drive and is compliant to the GOLDEN RULES  (his license would be taken away had we told the doctor he had a license).and  LIFE GOES ON OUTSIDE OF LONG TERM CARE FOR NOW ANYWAY. I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING TOGETHER... NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION -that's family FAMILY family
We are not being honest  OOPS We are NOW being 100% honest and i sure hope it continues - i'm currently readying my long term home for sale because of the new diagnosis : all actions can lead to consequences it seems - live and learn
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