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Get anxiety from what my fiance said, Need advice.

Hi everyone I proposed my girlfriend recently and she said yes. I'm 29 and she is 27. I love her so much. She just had 1 boyfriend before me. When we were girlfriend and boyfriend we made love couple of times but we did not have sex. Few nights ago we had a sex chat and after we finished she got upset, I asked her why and finally she started to talk and she said she feels guilty that she did not experience her first kiss and first intimate relationship with me and that she had a wrong relationship and she should not experience these things with her ex. She is still virgin. I told her that's okay and she did nothing wrong and she had this right to do this in a relationship.

But here is my problem, I know everyone had a history and I was okay with it but I do not know why when she told me this I've got anxiety and I started to panic that maybe I loose my interest to her. I've started to imagine that what she did and so on. I'm trying to talk to myself and try forget this issue but sometimes it turn back to me.

I love her more than anything and I'm panicking right now. Please tell me how to deal with this? Thanks a lot.
3 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
You say you think you might lose interest in her because she had a boyfriend before you (even though she retained her chastity).  What makes this such an emotional minefield for you?

My suggestion is to decide whether you love her unconditionally or not. If you do, rejoice in her love and remember, the past is the past. She is just remorseful that her past events were not all with you because she wants you and you alone. I would suggest reassuring her, and taking it as a compliment.
1 Comments
Of course I assured her that is totally okay and she did not anything wrong. And I know it is totally okay and the past is the past. I do not know what makes me like this, I had a past too. Thanks a lot, I did tell her twice that I love her and she has to let her past go.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you said it yourself highway.  Everyone has a past.  When I was a whole lot younger, I had that fear of 'what if I lose interest' as the newness does wear off. BUT, what I know now is that when you have a person that you care for and choose to make a life, it's okay.  Not every day is roses and butterflies in my long time marriage.  But it is life.  And we plough through it together.  There is an eb and flow but once you are committed and make it your life situation, you see it differently.  I've grown older with my husband and he with me.  I know he has wrinkles now, hair has thinned, he's enjoyed my cooking, if you know what I mean.  :>)  But I've changed too.  And you notice all of that less and less when you are growing older with someone.  So, try not to worry about this.  

Do you like her personality?  Have you spent time together?  Have you been through ups and downs to see how you guys react to stress?  Do you talk about serious things like how you would raise a child, finances, goals?  Those things are important.  Compatability in most of it is important.  And that carries you through.  

Yes, tell her you don't care.  And maybe stop talking about it between you.  I never shared any experience I had before my husband and I noticed that if I hear things like that about someone, it conjurs an image.  The image is a little unwelcome, right?  So, just tell her that you are fine with it as all of her experience made her who she is and you love who she is and leave it at that.  Do not tell her about your experience.  It will be okay.  
8 Comments
Hi specialmom, thanks for your answer, you are so kind, Thanks.
I did tell her that it's okay and I do not care.
That night she did not tell anything of details of her last relationship, and she was sorry to had those things with her ex.
You know I do not imagine anything right now but I got anxiety time to time and I'm freaking out, she is telling me that something is wrong with me and I tell her I'm okay and I have anxiety from an unknown source. Is there any solution? How can I forget what she said and come back to few days ago?
Of course her personality is amazing, she is beautiful and my family and my friends love her. I do not want to loose her at any cost. But I'm freaking out what is wrong with me.
If it helps, I've read that when someone reacts anxiously to a piece of news that might in other circumstances seem  rather innocuous, it really *is* not about that particular thing but "from another source" as you say. In other words, this might be the way you react to concerns about the unknown. It might not be about concerns of the unknown in your fiancee's life. Do you have access to a counselor or even a wise older friend, who can help you untangle this and relax?
Actually I think you are right, my anxiety comes from another thing, one of my friends is a psychologist I'm going to see him today. Thanks for your response.
I have a question, when anxiety and bad thoughts come to me I have to ignore them or do other things?
The best advice I have ever heard about this is when you have an anxious thought that you know to be irrational, immediately counter it with the opposite thought that you know logically to be true. Do this every time, and you will get into the practice of managing anxious but irrational thoughts.

I'm glad you have your psychologist friend. Talk about how you react when anxieties arise, before you talk about this particular situation. You might be able to identify some patterns and causes that will help you address more than just the present stress.
Thanks a lot my dear friend, could you please explain that method with an example? I would be so thankful, I can not understand the opposite thought.
Brain making obsessive thought: "My fiance had a different boyfriend in the past!"
Your response: "The past is the past. We look forward."

Brain making new obsessive thought: "What if my fiance prefers her old boyfriend?"
Your response: "My fiance is going to marry me, not the old boyfriend."

Brain with new obsessive thought: "What if I am not enough for her?"
Your response: "Good thing I'm a wonderful guy who will take care of her and love her all the rest of her life. That's what every woman wants."

Brain: "Why don't I just run away from the challenge of being a fiance to such a beautiful woman who has had a boyfriend before me?"
Your response: "Why don't I just have a great time being the husband of such a lovely woman?"

The point of the game is that every time your brain cooks up an illogical idea, you immediately let fly with its logical counter-argument right back.

You said a lot of the logical counter-arguments to us already above: she is beautiful, you love her, everyone has a history of one kind of the other, the past is the past.

Maybe in the talk with your psychologist friend, try to figure out why your brain cooks up "what ifs" that you know to be counter-productive and untrue. A super un-anxious person would not give a hoot if his girlfriend had had a boyfriend before, since someone so beautiful and wonderful would be bound to catch people's eye. He would instead be delighted to get such a great girl, and would assume it means that he himself is a pretty great person to attract her. Aim for that sunny of a disposition about having such a wonderful person love you. Falling to pieces when you have won the prize is not the best posture. Since it sounds like you have no doubt this is the prize you want, for heaven's sake enjoy yourself.


Thanks a lot my friend, i hope I can overcome this bad feeling, I now am pretty sure the problem is not that she had a boyfriend, I just went to a phase and I'm trying to pass this phase soon.
She is amazing and I don't want to make her unhappy.
Avatar universal
Virginity at your ages is unusual in the USA today. Perhaps you have both grown up in environments where even sexual thoughts are considered sinful. I can imagine breaking with those thoughts when entering the marriage bed might be stressful. If you aren’t able to start a conversation to address this issue, joint counseling should help. Just a thought.
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