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Ghosted after dropping a bombshell: is there any hope?

Hello all,

I'll try to be as quick as possible. I'm 32 and I met this woman that's 25 (about a month ago), a teacher, incredibly beautiful, etc. She's basically my ideal partner (she hit 9/10 check boxes on my "what I want in a person" list). About a week ago, I dropped a few bombshells on her: a 5 year old criminal conviction, potential child, I've been divorced, and I come from a violent background (gangs mostly, though she also grew up around gangs).

Anyway, as I said, we've only been talking for a month, and after I dropped those bombshells on her, we spoke a bit here and there for a few days. My issue is this: she said she knows I have a strong character, said I'm essentially her "ideal" person, knows I'm successful (despite the jail stuff), etc. yet despite all of that, she got upset at the fact I didn't tell her all of this on day 1, thus she ultimately determined she couldn't trust me. We caught feelings hard and fast, yet here we are: no longer speaking.

Suppose I'm just looking for guidance as to whether or not it's time to move on. She said she'd never be able to trust me again (despite the fact I didn't lie about anything), and she admitted to being a "jealous person," thus she'd never be able to get over the fact I *could* have a child. She then essentially vanished. It has only been a week or so. My friends are telling me she'll inevitably come back since (according to her): "you're everything she's ever wanted."

Guess I just want to know how long to wait. Truth be told, while our time together was brief (a month), I can safely say I have never felt that naturally connected to someone. She did remove me from Snapchat, however I'm not blocked on facebook. I am assuming she deleted my number but who knows. I just miss her... a lot.

Any advice would be appreciated.
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134578 tn?1642048000
Sure, you might have told her sooner (though just when? These aren't the kind of things someone spills on the first date.) But it would be reasonable for her to expect you to tell her before you slept together, or if things were moving fast, a week or two into the relationship. Maybe it felt too early to you even then? or maybe you wanted to have some time with her so she could get to know you before she heard the whole story? I will suggest that even if she felt manipulated by your waiting to tell her, it's what you told her, not when you told her, that is probably more of the problem.

A lovely woman who came from a neighborhood with gangs, completed college, and became a teacher (a respected profession with career solidity) has shown character and determination at least as impressive as her beauty. She'll have choices in who to date and who to marry. You might be the world's most charming guy, but the bombshells you mention are baggage other guys she meets might not have.

Your being divorced probably didn't count against you, unless you're still entangled with your ex. (Or, unless one of the convictions was for domestic battery.) But simply having being married before and not being married any more, is not a deal-breaker. After all, it shows you're not afraid of commitment.

A conviction at age 27 can't quite be shrugged off as boyish foolishness, the way a conviction as a teenager might. It's a shame this past is not more distant, 5 years ago is not 15 years ago. On the other hand, you say you have moved on from criminal behavior and are successful. So, probably that isn't what bothered her the most.

My guess would be that the "possible" child would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you mean someone is presently pregnant, and you don't know yet if the child is from you? If so, she might wonder why you haven't done a DNA test yet (they can be done when the woman is pregnant), how close you intend to stay to the woman who is pregnant, and what that woman's intentions are regarding you. Or is this a child who is already around and you simply suspect you're the biological father? That has its own pitfalls -- the question then becomes why didn't you do a DNA test long ago, and man up if the child is yours? She's going to be looking at you as possibly the father of her future children. She'll want to know you're solid and would never be casual or leave your kids to the fates.

Anyway, the divorce stuff and the jail stuff -- if you've cleaned up your act and have a good future, in ten or fifteen years nobody will care. But if the child is from you, (barring unforeseen circumstances) you'll always have a child that didn't come from your relationship with her. A lot of stuff comes with that ... not the least, dealing with that child's mother for eighteen to twenty years over custody, scheduling and managing visitation, and money for child support going out of your family's budget to support the child.

If she is annoyed that you didn't spill all of this earlier, it's because you didn't tell her until after you'd cuddled up. She might be feeling a little bit manipulated, even. It will be up to her to decide how important all of that is.

My suggestion about "how long to wait" is, she might be judging how serious you were about her -- dating someone else tomorrow would make you look like you totally were not serious. But pining or hoping for months would be stupid, she might already have moved on. So, it seems reasonable to give it a month or so. If you don't hear anything from her in that time, you probably aren't going to.
Helpful - 0
I'll try to respond in a way that makes sense, lol.

That was my biggest issue: the timing. I expressed to her multiple times that I didn't withhold the information out of malicious intent. My goal was to give her a couple of weeks of getting to know me before dropping such information on her. Neither one of us saw it developing as it did. I do wish I had told her before we slept together, that I take full responsibility for (though, again, the sex obviously wasn't planned).

While I do have a massive amount of baggage (as does she), I'll also fully acknowledge the fact you're simply right. I am more than financially stable, we had a million things in common, everything felt natural, etc. but at the end of the day, she can/could easily be with someone that has 1/10th of the baggage.

My previous marriage bothered her a bit, but it became less of an issue when she discovered our entire marriage was spent via long distance. Truth be told, I don't really count my marriage as a "marriage," however it was legally binding, so it's still a marriage. That said, I have nothing to do with my ex (no feelings, no contact, etc). She also knew I was looking for a legitimate relationship.

She had a few questions regarding my criminal conviction, which I obviously answered for her. Upon receiving her answers, she seemed far more calm about it all, though it went back to the "lying/withholding information" aspect.

My (potential) daughter turned 6 this year. Her mother and I were only together for about 2 weeks before she got pregnant. The instant we found out she was pregnant, all hell broke loose. We both made a multitude of mistakes. I have forgiven her for hers, but she has yet to forgive me for mine (of course, she isn't obligated to, so it's all good). Long story short, I told my ex I would play my part if the child were to be mine. I asked her for a DNA test (to protect myself but also because they would've made us have one done anyway) and my ex essentially said, "you just called me a *****. **** you, I don't want your money, I don't want your time, I don't want your involvement, etc." I have spoken to several lawyers and every single one of them have told me the same thing. I can fight for visitation/involvement, however due to the fact she comes from money and she knows my entire background, my ex would more than likely be rewarded full custody, thus visitation/my involvement would inevitably be up to her. I was also told that since my ex and I were never married/legally tied together, I don't "technically have rights," and without a DNA test to confirm I'm the father, I don't have much ground to step on. So, for now, I do what I can: I have a savings account for my (potential) child.

I suppose that's the most hurtful aspect of it all, really. Regardless of whether or not she comes back, knowing she thinks I was faking my interest in her hurts. A  lot. Especially considering how naturally connected to her I legitimately felt. Everything about her. I even told her... lol.

Nah, I haven't been involved with anyone else. I like the idea of giving it a month, maybe a month and a half, at most. And you're more than likely correct anyway: if I don't hear from her within a month or so, I probably won't be hearing from her again.

I appreciate your response.

Thank you!

I was concerned after hitting "send" that what I said might sound kind of heartless. The reason I wrote it is that I have been thinking lately about something called "social capitol," which is, we all only have a set amount of time to spend with all others in our lives, so we gravitate towards those that have something we want. (It's almost inevitable, though hurtful to people who want to be with us but are set aside.) The thing a person wants and will spend their social capitol on could be money or influence (in a business or jobs setting) or it could be love and caring (in relationships). But everyone only has so much of it to spend, and they unconsciously guard it, and lose interest if someone or a situation might wind up too costly.

It sounds like the two of you had a start on the love and caring part, but that once she heard what else was in the mix, she (at least for now) decided she didn't want to spend more capitol on getting close to you when she thought she could see issues ahead. Not to say she won't change her mind. I still think it's the issues and not the timing that were at the back of her reaction, and she might think them over. But, it will be up to her. I don't think there is anything you can do to influence this decision besides be honest, which you did finally do. (I say "finally" not because a month is always that long a time to wait to disclose, but it can be pretty long to wait if things are moving very fast emotionally.)

Regarding your potential daughter -- if her mother is not going to let you do a DNA test with the child, one thing you could do is a DNA test on one of the sites like "23 and Me," and check the box for allowing someone to know if they do a test and find out you are their relative. If your possible daughter ever does one of those tests for fun (which lots of people do as adults), or if she has always been curious about her dad and does it for that reason, your data will be there for her if you are her biological father. You can then explain that you wanted to be in touch all along, and did an open-notice test when she was 6, (and you can give her the savings account and all of that). Or, even simpler, you can get in touch with the child directly when she is 21 and ask if she wants to do a test, though that might shock the heck out of her and I don't recommend it as an introduction. None of this would make up for not having you in her life as she was growing up, but given the way her mom feels about you, being involved might have turned into hellfire and brimstone anyway. Anyway, along with being able to find your daughter if she turns out to be your daughter, it also will show any new woman in your life that you are a responsible guy who is leaving no stone unturned to try to be there for his kid, but circumstances have given limits.

The reason I think there is a possibility your lovely teacher friend might change her mind is that you don't have the main things that would be a deal-buster, especially on the possible-child front. It would be a lot worse, from her point of view, if this was some baby mama who will show up demanding money all throughout the next 15 years, and the two of you have to take the child every other weekend. It's also favorable that you don't have an emotional connection to the mama, and she isn't secretly trying to use the child to get you back in her life. From the perspective of a new woman in your life, none of this is as bad as it could be.

Regarding the criminal record, only if you are still on the wrong side of the law would she totally say nope, I think. As I said, it would be better if it were longer ago, but at least it's been 5 years.

Let's hope she thinks things over and gives you a bye on your timing of the news, and remembers how well the two of you have connected, and thinks of you as a solid guy who is a legit success. She might come around.

Good luck.

495284 tn?1333894042
The relationship didnt sound very ideal to me.  You told her the truth and she couldnt handle it.  I wouldnt wait one more minute.  If there is no trust the relationship is doomed to fail.   That honeymoon stage can play real havoc on our brain.  At some point you will see the reality of what this relationship was all about.  There will come a time when someone will walk into your life and accept you and your past~Just keep being you~
Helpful - 0
I appreciate your response. You're ultimately correct: regardless of whether or not she comes back, eventually I'll (hopefully) meet someone.
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