Avatar universal

Girlfriend says she love me but needs space...

So this is going to be a confusing one...  My girlfriend(ex) went to europe for a month and before she left our relationship was going really well.  I mean we had mini fights every once in awhile but nothing crazy.  When she left I felt the most comfortable I ever have with her and was 100% sure of her love for me and mine for her.  You see we've been together 4 years and we've had issues with trust at least on my end.  She has requested space on three occasions and every time I'm left felling like this could be the end but I support her.  The last time we were separated for 3 months and it was hard because she always told me she loved me and that we were meant to be together.  Finally one day she came around and I moved to the city where she lived as opposed to living 50 miles away.  We started our relationship again with talk of marriage etc. but wanting to take it slow because she still had some things to do like graduate college and go on these many trips with her friends culminating in the Europe trip.  She said after that she still might need time on her own...  So this was in January and reassured her that I would give her all the space that she needed and that things would be okay.  You see I know we both love each other very much and both know that we want a future together so I thought it would be okay.  So fast forward to June.  Things are going great.  She had been on many trips with her friends and graduated college and I never questioned her as far as me trusting her.  We were in love although my biggest problem is being affectionate because I guess I am unconsciously scared to fully open up because of all this "time" stuff we've been through.  I assure you its not that i don't want to be affectionate.  This was one thing she had troubles with.  So she leave to Europe and like I said I never felt more sure of us but slowly as the time past and our communication was very little because of the obvious I started to worry.  You see she planned on moving in with these 2 girls who are very single and still living up the party life.  I guess as the time went by I started to worry about her coming back wanting this time.  So I figured I would give her the space...  I still don't fully understand why but I thought that things were so good between us that we could survive a couple of months and it would bring us closer.  The two things left on her slate were finding a job and moving in with these friends so i figured if she could do those things without my constant attention that maybe she would feel confident and sure.  Then at the same time I could get rid of this "her needing time" fear as well.  So when she got back I knew I had to do it right away or I wouldn't follow through so I told her.  I know really bad timing!!  I will never forgive myself for that.  She reacted really badly and didn't want to talk to me.  I tried to tell her that I wasn't set on it but she withdrew and wouldn't change her mind.  My big insecurity in our relationship is that I always felt like I fought for her.  Everytime we took a break I never gave up and I always felt that if I didn't do that that things would just fade off...  So we had some heated emails where she said many mean things that she has since retracted but in the end she said she would contact me when she was in a good place.  2 weeks after she sent me a text wanting to meet up and talk and I sent a message a couple hours later because I was in a meeting accepting.  I then went out with a friend who was in town to see her with her friends but most notably with another guy.  This broke me.  A couple days later we talked and I was really angry.  She told me it wasn't anything but it was nice to be wanted...  She also revealed to me that when she came back from Europe that she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and that she was ready at the time.  All of this blind sided me because she never told me that at the time.  She again told me that she knew in her heart that we where meant to be together but that she wouldn't jump back into it.  Since then I have found out that she has slept at that guy's house a couple times supposedly never doing anything physical and she assured me that there was nothing there! She said they have nothing in common, that it was just nice to not have anything serious, that he was fun to hangout with and that he pursued her.  Everytime telling me I had nothing to worry about that she still loved me and that she still knew that we would be back together but for some reason she was unable to be with me now.  It has something to do with the hurt that I caused when she came back from Europe.  I am so confused and lost.  I never thought that this would turn out like this.  The last time we talked she said she just wanted to make her own decisions and needed time to do that... I told her that I supported that and would be here for her but I just can't get the fact out of my head that she is with this other person even though she assures me its nothing.  I am so lost! What do I do?
40 Responses
Avatar universal
Having read your post, I immediately caught all the red flags to this relationship, but when a woman tells you that she needs her space, that means she no longer wants to be with you at that point.

Here are a few of the red flags that I caught immediate:
* Trust issues (the foundation of a relationship is respect and trust, without trust, you
  really don't have a relationship it's in trouble)
* She requested for "space" 3 times (She really does not want to be with you, but
  doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings. She cares and loves you, but is no
  longer in love with you, especially if she is hanging out with a new guy) .
* Traveled with friends ( I was in Lourdes, France and that was a get away without
  having to ask him permission and proving her independence from you...in other words,
  I can come and go as I please with my friends and you really don't have a say).
* Talked marriage, but take it slow: Nice thought, but you both are not ready for
   this serious, lifetime commitment.
* You admit not being affectionate and have some fears: A woman must be hugs,
   kissed, hold her hand, tell her how important she is too you ..get it. This
   alone could destroy your relationship. if you are now showing her affections,
   she went elsewhere to find it!
* You always felt you had to fight for her: Love is easy and simple. If you find yourself
   always struggling to maintain your relationship, the relationship in reality is gone.
   If you stop fighting to keep this relationship, it would be over. She would go her way
   and you would be left with a broken heart.
* Saying mean things to each other: This is one of the most distructive actions in a  
  relationship, why? because when couples say things that are mean and hurtful, the
  words are like a video recorder that is remembered and played over and over.
* You saw her with another guy: Your relationship in reality is over. She has not
  been honest with you. Has met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you
  without hurting your feelings. She cares and loves you, but is no longer in love
  with you.
* She told you it's nice to be wanted: This lack of affection on your part has made her
  seek it elsewhere.
* She has slept at the guys house a couples of times, but nothing happened: She has
  been intimate and is possibly being intimate with this guy. Don't believe it for moment
  that nothing has happend. Once again...she' doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
  She liked the attention this guy is giving her and don't believe for a moment when
  she said, "we don't have anything in common", yet she slept in his apartment a few
  time. She is being unfaithful and I think deep down inside you know it. You have to  
  listen to that inner voice that tells you when something is wrong.

You seem like a great guy, who has his head on his shoulders. You are a good thinker with a good heart. This relationship is over. She is being unfaithful, but cares about you, loves you, but is no longer in love with you. You have choices. You can privately seek out the guy and have a talk with him and find out what is going on (like adults), but either way, dump her. She is breaking your heart and you deserve better. Never let any woman take advantage of your good nature. Hang in there....Judy

Avatar universal
After reading your post, my soggestion would be get out of the situation, she still wants to play around, also this is my opinion, and i think she has been using you . try reading your post and try as a stranger if you can and you will see why that i say this   there are to many red flags    luck  jo
902589 tn?1268148853
Ditto to Judy and Jo! This woman is stringing you along. Like jo said re read your own post and there are many red flags. I don't blame you at all for not trusting her. I would have been outta there a long time ago.
902589 tn?1268148853
Oh and just to add:

If she really did LOVE you, she would not need more space! She would want to be with you and to spend time with you and no amount of time with you would be enough for her! She would want to be with you as much as possible. You should look at yourself to know this is true. you love her so you are sacrificing your own happiness to try and make the relationship work, she is not doing the same with you. i do believe you truly love her because you would not have put up with all this otherwise, so i'm sorry to say but she does not feel the same about you. You need to find a woman who would do for you what you have been doing for this girl. If you truly love someone you do your best to make the other person happy, and she is not doing this. Wake up, she doesn't want the relationship, and she sounds immature to me.
145992 tn?1341345074
This girl is playing you like a fiddle.  She basically wants to have fun and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, hence the 3 requests for space.  It is because she wants to live the single life and knows deep down that she can come running back to you for comfort whenever she feels like it.  You are always there waiting for her with open arms.  I can most confidently say she was with other men during this time.  For whatever reasons it didn't work out with them, she knew that she had you waiting in the wings.  She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship and she certainly doesn't seemed concerned with how you feel.  She also used that excuse that she now was ready to move to the next level right after you told her how you felt, just to make you feel guilty and to keep you on this begging trip.  Apologizing to her, telling her you were wrong and that you want her.  Her answers being like, nope too late, you already ruined it.  Am I close?  She is hurtful and selfish and loves the fact that you chase her.  She's not good for you.  You will see that when the time is right, you will find a woman who will easily reciprocate the same feelings.  You shouldn't have to give someone time to see what a gem they have in you.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
miami has it right, you are her comfort zone, she wants to party , play around and she wants to make sure she has someone to come home to, you are her comfort zone when she is tired, when she rests again, off she goes  luck  jo,
372416 tn?1242665752
July, you're so easy.  You are her comfort zone.  And she can go to it when ever she feels like it.....because she can.  Plain and simple.  I do it all the time.

I choose to be single mostly because I can have what I want.  And guys like you are the ones I will target because you give it.  And when yall overwhelm me with too much attention that I'm not asking for.........I give the ole "i need space" line.  

You're not the one, sorry.

It'll take time to get over her, but you have definitely learned from it.  That's the positive thing.

Take care.
Avatar universal
Yes you are pretty much right on!  Yesterday she told me to move on and forget about her so there is nothing else I can do.  You see she was raised by her mother who was always in abusive relationships and had to witness that through her childhood then when she was 14 she got in a relationship with was turned out to be a controlling, drug dealing, addict who cheated on her etc.  That lasted 4 years. Then she met me after they broke up for good.  We hit it off from the beginning on so many levels.  She was always hesitant jumping into another relationship but we had such a strong connection that it was hard not to.  She tried fighting this idea of needing time to find herself the whole relationship i think and now she is holding strong...  At least I know that so i can move on now.
145992 tn?1341345074
It's so easy to blame people's childhood's on how they act in their current relationships but it's not your job to see why she did what she did.  But if that's what you need to gain closure than that's what you need.  I hope you can move on.  One day she will realize what she had lost and she will most likely come back. Hopefully, you will have already moved on and won't fall for it.
Avatar universal
She wants you to hang around and let her do what she wants to do? That is not love. I would highly suggest you end your torment and quit allowing yourself to be manipulated by her.  Wanting to have fun, live with the girls, go on trips and not have you interfere with it is very selfish and not the actions of a woman in love.  She sounds like a great manipulator and hey! You played right along! She set her priorities, its time you did the same.
Avatar universal
Sad to say, that the one's that do target men like you...also, end up alone in the long run.
Avatar universal
So an update.  This last weekend she text me "I ruined us didn't I" so I replied that she hadn't and she said that she felt so stupid to not be ready for us so I called thinking that she was sorry.  She came over to talk and told me how she wishes we could go back to the way things were and how she wishes this was just a bad dream and then she went on to tell me that she was still talking to that guy except now more and plus they are sleeping together now.  WTF is wrong with this girl.
Avatar universal
As I said in my earlier post, because she does care about you and love you, BUT she no longer "in" love with you and I also, think that she is insensitive, no realizing that her words and actions are hurting you. It's time to accept what you can't change and put this girl behind you and don't look back She is no longer worthy of your love.

It's going to be difficult, but not all women are like her. There are so many beautiful, great women, who have moral values and are just waiting for that right time to meet you and get to you know. We have all experienced a heartbrake. I have experienced everything from being dump, to be told "I don't want a committed relationship" and I can go on and on, but It took all those bitter, negative experiences for meet the most amazing man, when I least expected it. Let her go, she's just not worth it. Keep us updated on how you are coming along.
902589 tn?1268148853
She is pulling you back in with I'm sorry's and all kinds of **** like that. She is stringing you along. She obviously has no respect for you or your feelings if she is saying all this to you while STILL seeing this other guy. Face it, she is not mature enough for a committed relationship and is using you as a guy she can fall back too whenever she feels like it. She is not considering you or your feelings at all, she is thinking about herself and that's it. Like Judy said, there are many many woman out there and you sound like a great guy, go out and mingle. You will find someone who is actually worthy of your love!

And i would suggest break off all contact with this girl. I doubt she will change, and she is not a healthy partner for you obviously.
145992 tn?1341345074
And the cycle begins again.  She did exactly what she's always done.  End it and then come back.  You do exactly what you always do, take her back again.  It's going to go on and on until you put an end to it.  You apparently don't care that you are a walking doormat.  Good luck, it won't be long until she does it again.  When is enough going to be enough for you?
Avatar universal
p.s.after this last experience, break all contact with her or this is going to be routine with her. She will come back and leave, come back and leave. Enought is enough, let it be the last time you speak or text her again...even if it means changing your cell phone number. Time to move forward without her.
Avatar universal
I understand what everyone is saying and I have decided to move to another state and just get away.  I know that it doesn't completely fix everything but Im sure it will help being close to a support system plus the only reason that I hadn't done this before was because I was waiting for her to finish school etc.  It has been hell living like this especially when she has now made my favorite spots to hangout hers.  I do plan on not cutting communication as I received an email this week telling me that she doesn't have anyone to turn to to make this make sense and that she feels that she loves me so much, but feels like there must be something wrong with her for being with someone else and that she has always been too good at being able to turn her feelings off, and doesn't know how to wake herself up. Also I should know that she is working hard to get to a better place mentally and emotionally and hopefully that will bring some clarity to her and what she is doing.  She is sorry I love her and that she loves me and hopes sometime soon I will be able to hate her, as that is what she deserves. She said she is unable to process alot of what is going on now and is sorry beyond words that for hurting me, her closest family and best friend and that she thinks about me all the time. She finishes it with saying that she hopes she will not be such a nutcase soon.  With all that said I have one question and its probably stupid but would like an honest answer.  Do people in this situation ever have a chance at getting back together and having a healthy relationship?  
902589 tn?1268148853
I doubt it. the only way she will change and you two will have a healthy relationship is if she actually knows she has a problem and is not just pulling your tail. The only way I would take someone back after stringing me along is if they had counseling to help them. But i believe it's best to just move on and look for better things. And since i sincerely believe you do love her, you will not get over her until you do stop contact. She will just keep pulling you back in and you will go back hoping for her to change which i doubt she will and the cycle will continue and continue until you stop having anything to do with her.
145992 tn?1341345074
You see I can't tell if she's playing you or if she truly has a serious mental issue.  She may like the attention either way.  But she's not your problem to fix.  She has to own up to her issues and seek help for them.  She is holding you there because she knows you will feel sorry for her.  She needs counseling for herself and you need to get away and take care of yourself.  Once you are away from her and you meet someone else, you will see what being with someone who doesn't have these "emotional" problems is like.  It's a breath of fresh air.  Just make sure you work on you so that you don't fall into a cycle where you are choosing females that are emotionally dependant on you.  You sound much like an enabler.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
I do plan on stopping communication.  I made a mistake in the last post.  She had seen a counselor a couple years back and the counselor was helping her but then she retired and since then she talked about finding a new one but hasn't.  I hope she can do that for herself instead of using some guy to help validate her...
627145 tn?1230305626
You can't fix what's wrong with her; don't even try.  Don't say anything unnecessarily mean, but be brief and firm and tell her that she isn't the one for you.  If she wants more information, you could say that you don't seem to be the one for her, either, and it's time to quit fooling yourselves about it.  Then walk away and let her sort through her own issues.  Only she can do it for herself.  
Avatar universal
So a quick update. I talked to her about 12 days ago and she said she missed me and was ending things with the guy. She said she was realizing how things weren't bad between us. I then broke the news that I was moving to another city. She tried to act like it didn't bother her and told me that I guess we had our chances. Then she said she was trying to keep a positive attitude and that when we don't talk she really misses me but then when we talk its easy for her to get angry with me. I expressed that I still hoped things could work out in the future and she agreed. We told eachother we loved eachother and that was it. Then 3 days after that she wanted to talk to me about moving. I told her thanks for concern but I was doing it for me. She didn't respond until about 3 days after that in an email telling me she was sorry and loved me more than anyone in this world. She also said she was sorry for placing blame on me when we talked on the phone. She also appoligized for hurting me by being with that guy. She claims to not know why she did it but knows it was the wrong thing to have done. She said she was really going to work hard on fixing herself mentally.  She wished me luck in my move and told me she love me. I didn't respond to that email. Then about 4 days later she asked if I had left yet. I didn't respond. Then the next day she called leaving me a message telling me how it was hard thinking she might not see me again and needed some kind of closure. She ended the Voicemail by telling me she loved me. I didn't respond again. Then later she text me saying she really needed closure and asked to answer her calls. I didn't. I leave tomorrow and its hard because I do love her very much but I just can't keep letting her hurt me and talk to me when she wants all the time. I have never not answer her or given her what she wants so it is hard with this no contact thing.. I guess the only reason I continue with it is because if I give in she will think that her behavior is okay and its not. I don't know Im confused......
902589 tn?1268148853
I think you do need to make one response, in an email since it's a lot easier than having a phone conversation. but you need to just tell her that, you are moving, you are going to start a new life and that you would prefer to end the relationship and would prefer that this is the last correspondence because you are trying to move on with your life and you want her to stop contacting you, because you two are no longer in a relationship. Try and be nice about it, and DO NOT end it with i love you! No wonder she keeps contacting you, you keep telling her you still lover her! You need to be firm but kind and tell her that you want to break all contact. If she keeps writing emails or calling after that, just delete the emails and messages without reading them. If necessary change your phone number and email account, so that you can truly move on with your life and find someone who will not string you along and who will REALLY love you, and not only "love" you when it is convenient for them.
902589 tn?1268148853
Oh and after that one email ending it and asking for her to stop contact, do NOT contact her again, no emails, calls, texts nothing. I know it'll be hard but you need to do it if you are really serious about moving on to better things.
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