Girlfriend says she love me but needs space...

[july107]

So this is going to be a confusing one...  My girlfriend(ex) went to europe for a month and before she left our relationship was going really well.  I mean we had mini fights every once in awhile but nothing crazy.  When she left I felt the most comfortable I ever have with her and was 100% sure of her love for me and mine for her.  You see we've been together 4 years and we've had issues with trust at least on my end.  She has requested space on three occasions and every time I'm left felling like this could be the end but I support her.  The last time we were separated for 3 months and it was hard because she always told me she loved me and that we were meant to be together.  Finally one day she came around and I moved to the city where she lived as opposed to living 50 miles away.  We started our relationship again with talk of marriage etc. but wanting to take it slow because she still had some things to do like graduate college and go on these many trips with her friends culminating in the Europe trip.  She said after that she still might need time on her own...  So this was in January and reassured her that I would give her all the space that she needed and that things would be okay.  You see I know we both love each other very much and both know that we want a future together so I thought it would be okay.  So fast forward to June.  Things are going great.  She had been on many trips with her friends and graduated college and I never questioned her as far as me trusting her.  We were in love although my biggest problem is being affectionate because I guess I am unconsciously scared to fully open up because of all this "time" stuff we've been through.  I assure you its not that i don't want to be affectionate.  This was one thing she had troubles with.  So she leave to Europe and like I said I never felt more sure of us but slowly as the time past and our communication was very little because of the obvious I started to worry.  You see she planned on moving in with these 2 girls who are very single and still living up the party life.  I guess as the time went by I started to worry about her coming back wanting this time.  So I figured I would give her the space...  I still don't fully understand why but I thought that things were so good between us that we could survive a couple of months and it would bring us closer.  The two things left on her slate were finding a job and moving in with these friends so i figured if she could do those things without my constant attention that maybe she would feel confident and sure.  Then at the same time I could get rid of this "her needing time" fear as well.  So when she got back I knew I had to do it right away or I wouldn't follow through so I told her.  I know really bad timing!!  I will never forgive myself for that.  She reacted really badly and didn't want to talk to me.  I tried to tell her that I wasn't set on it but she withdrew and wouldn't change her mind.  My big insecurity in our relationship is that I always felt like I fought for her.  Everytime we took a break I never gave up and I always felt that if I didn't do that that things would just fade off...  So we had some heated emails where she said many mean things that she has since retracted but in the end she said she would contact me when she was in a good place.  2 weeks after she sent me a text wanting to meet up and talk and I sent a message a couple hours later because I was in a meeting accepting.  I then went out with a friend who was in town to see her with her friends but most notably with another guy.  This broke me.  A couple days later we talked and I was really angry.  She told me it wasn't anything but it was nice to be wanted...  She also revealed to me that when she came back from Europe that she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and that she was ready at the time.  All of this blind sided me because she never told me that at the time.  She again told me that she knew in her heart that we where meant to be together but that she wouldn't jump back into it.  Since then I have found out that she has slept at that guy's house a couple times supposedly never doing anything physical and she assured me that there was nothing there! She said they have nothing in common, that it was just nice to not have anything serious, that he was fun to hangout with and that he pursued her.  Everytime telling me I had nothing to worry about that she still loved me and that she still knew that we would be back together but for some reason she was unable to be with me now.  It has something to do with the hurt that I caused when she came back from Europe.  I am so confused and lost.  I never thought that this would turn out like this.  The last time we talked she said she just wanted to make her own decisions and needed time to do that... I told her that I supported that and would be here for her but I just can't get the fact out of my head that she is with this other person even though she assures me its nothing.  I am so lost! What do I do?

[july107]

So a quick update. I talked to her about 12 days ago and she said she missed me and was ending things with the guy. She said she was realizing how things weren't bad between us. I then broke the news that I was moving to another city. She tried to act like it didn't bother her and told me that I guess we had our chances. Then she said she was trying to keep a positive attitude and that when we don't talk she really misses me but then when we talk its easy for her to get angry with me. I expressed that I still hoped things could work out in the future and she agreed. We told eachother we loved eachother and that was it. Then 3 days after that she wanted to talk to me about moving. I told her thanks for concern but I was doing it for me. She didn't respond until about 3 days after that in an email telling me she was sorry and loved me more than anyone in this world. She also said she was sorry for placing blame on me when we talked on the phone. She also appoligized for hurting me by being with that guy. She claims to not know why she did it but knows it was the wrong thing to have done. She said she was really going to work hard on fixing herself mentally.  She wished me luck in my move and told me she love me. I didn't respond to that email. Then about 4 days later she asked if I had left yet. I didn't respond. Then the next day she called leaving me a message telling me how it was hard thinking she might not see me again and needed some kind of closure. She ended the Voicemail by telling me she loved me. I didn't respond again. Then later she text me saying she really needed closure and asked to answer her calls. I didn't. I leave tomorrow and its hard because I do love her very much but I just can't keep letting her hurt me and talk to me when she wants all the time. I have never not answer her or given her what she wants so it is hard with this no contact thing.. I guess the only reason I continue with it is because if I give in she will think that her behavior is okay and its not. I don't know Im confused......

[Fuzzz]

You can't fix what's wrong with her; don't even try.  Don't say anything unnecessarily mean, but be brief and firm and tell her that she isn't the one for you.  If she wants more information, you could say that you don't seem to be the one for her, either, and it's time to quit fooling yourselves about it.  Then walk away and let her sort through her own issues.  Only she can do it for herself.  

[july107]

I do plan on stopping communication.  I made a mistake in the last post.  She had seen a counselor a couple years back and the counselor was helping her but then she retired and since then she talked about finding a new one but hasn't.  I hope she can do that for herself instead of using some guy to help validate her...

[mami1323]

You see I can't tell if she's playing you or if she truly has a serious mental issue.  She may like the attention either way.  But she's not your problem to fix.  She has to own up to her issues and seek help for them.  She is holding you there because she knows you will feel sorry for her.  She needs counseling for herself and you need to get away and take care of yourself.  Once you are away from her and you meet someone else, you will see what being with someone who doesn't have these "emotional" problems is like.  It's a breath of fresh air.  Just make sure you work on you so that you don't fall into a cycle where you are choosing females that are emotionally dependant on you.  You sound much like an enabler.  Good luck.

[megochick101]

I doubt it. the only way she will change and you two will have a healthy relationship is if she actually knows she has a problem and is not just pulling your tail. The only way I would take someone back after stringing me along is if they had counseling to help them. But i believe it's best to just move on and look for better things. And since i sincerely believe you do love her, you will not get over her until you do stop contact. She will just keep pulling you back in and you will go back hoping for her to change which i doubt she will and the cycle will continue and continue until you stop having anything to do with her.

[july107]

I understand what everyone is saying and I have decided to move to another state and just get away.  I know that it doesn't completely fix everything but Im sure it will help being close to a support system plus the only reason that I hadn't done this before was because I was waiting for her to finish school etc.  It has been hell living like this especially when she has now made my favorite spots to hangout hers.  I do plan on not cutting communication as I received an email this week telling me that she doesn't have anyone to turn to to make this make sense and that she feels that she loves me so much, but feels like there must be something wrong with her for being with someone else and that she has always been too good at being able to turn her feelings off, and doesn't know how to wake herself up. Also I should know that she is working hard to get to a better place mentally and emotionally and hopefully that will bring some clarity to her and what she is doing.  She is sorry I love her and that she loves me and hopes sometime soon I will be able to hate her, as that is what she deserves. She said she is unable to process alot of what is going on now and is sorry beyond words that for hurting me, her closest family and best friend and that she thinks about me all the time. She finishes it with saying that she hopes she will not be such a nutcase soon.  With all that said I have one question and its probably stupid but would like an honest answer.  Do people in this situation ever have a chance at getting back together and having a healthy relationship?