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Girlfriend was date raped and might have HIV

I am having a hard time figuring out what to say or do about this situation.

I've been dating this girl (we'll give her a fake name of Jane) for 3.5 months now. We have taken to each other very quickly and are very much in love. She told me about her only ex-boyfriend right when we started dating, but recently she filled me in on most of the details of her past (we wanted to have full disclosure on everything so we can feel safe telling each other anything). She was with him for about 2 years in high school/beginning of college and they were sexually active, though they only did it 3 times. They used protection every time. She wanted to wait until marriage, but she eventually did it the first time to basically shut him up about it (he constantly wanted it and got very angry one day when he went through this effort to have the house to themselves and finally have sex with her). She didn't enjoy it and didn't want to do it again. About 3 months later, he convinced her into having sex with her again. She consented up until the point where their clothes were off and she then changed her mind and was adamant she didn't want to go through with it again. He then forced her to have sex with him, causing bleeding and pain and she began crying. I personally consider it date rape. About a year later after they broke up a month or so after that incident, he came back to campus. She wanted an apology or something so she agreed to meet with him. Long story short, he convinced her to have sex one more time, though it was quick and he used a condom (I still don't understand how this one occurred). She feels horrible about her past and felt like this dirty, torn, stepped on rose that no one would ever want until I came along.

A little background on her ex: he was born in the middle east, lived in europe, africa, and central america before moving to my Jane's hometown. She doesn't know anything about his sexual past (if any) other than he was very close to his ex girlfriend even while they were dating and discovered shortly after they broke up that he was still very much in love with her. He couldn't do anything with his ex since she still lived in the middle east, but she has no idea if they were sexually active in the past or if he had sex with anyone else in the various other countries before he had sex with her. She also doesn't know much about his past in those countries in general.

After this night, she got very very sick throughout the next year. A lot of doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she showed symptoms of mono and the flu and such (high fever, low energy, skin spots where she could actually pick dead skin out and that left little marks on her legs). She had been very healthy up until this point, getting sick very rarely before then. Her periods have also become extremely painful sometimes (enough where she couldn't get out of bed some days), though they have been pretty normal and non painful since we started dating. She was under a lot of stress starting her first year of college and such as well which could have added to her illness.She has family history with cancer too. Her aunt got cancer and had signs of it within 3 years after first having sex, but the doctors caught it soon enough where they were able to isolate it and basically remove it, so she is fine and healthy now.

Jane and her mother are worried about what might've happened since there was tearing and bleeding and she was very sick for a long while that following year. She has also had health problems since she was a child where a lot of foods will cause her to get sick. She has never done any drugs nor does she drink. She is going in to get all of the blood work done in about a week so we don't know anything right now.

In the 3.5 months we have been together, we have not had sex. I am still a virgin and I her wishes to wait until she knows I'm The One. I am very straight edged in that I have never done any drugs and I drink rarely. We have fooled around a bit (showered together, dry humping, fingering, etc.) but I have never penetrated.

This leads me to my series of questions:
1. Could she have HIV or some other disease (If she does have anything, I am already planning on being checked just in case)?
2. If she does, what can I say or do to help her?
3. Can she still live a normal healthy life after this?
4. We are madly in love and I would do anything for her, when you know, you know why I figured we have taken to each other so much. We have already talked about a future together to some capacity even. But I want to know if this will effect our future sex life or our chance on possibly having children and whether or not these can still be done safely or if they are a bad idea.

Thank you for any and all help you can give me. This is obviously very new for me and I really don't know what to do or think or say right now and thinking about it just makes it worse.
6 Responses
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Avatar universal
She should have an HIV DUO test or an RNA by PCR to rule out HIV infection.I wish you both all the best.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't think you need to say that she did this.  You can be supportive but also be aware yourself.  good luck to her and I hope the tests put the idea of HIV to rest but also that she may need to work with a counselor if she has emotional issues from the events.  good luck to her and you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, she can be tested for HIV next week when she has her other blood work done. It's unlikely she contracted the virus; condoms are a very good barrier...

When was the last exposure? I'm not sure you said but it sounds like it's been awhile. To me (and only me) it sounds like she's a little guilty for having sex with someone she didn't love or didn't even like that much. Of course, that doesn't diminish the seriousness of what happened and I hope she doesn't fall victim to this guy if she runs into him again!

Be patient for the test results but I don't think you have a lot to worry about; relative to HIV.  Please understand that there's really no documented increase of cancer risk after a first time sexual experience alone.  And all those symptoms you've described can be traced right back to anxiety and stress.

Best of luck with your new relationship!
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Avatar universal
Sorry, not to be rude, but I am kinda confused about this "date rape or rape" situation.  If she was raped by this guy, why would she meet and sleep with him again after the encounter?  Plus, no charges were filed.  The situation doesn't seem right.  Is she considering this rape or are you?  She probably should have had counseling in regards to this.  

However.....

In regards to your questions.....they should be directed to a physician; a physician who is directing her care.  First, it must be determined what exactly she is dealing with as no real diagnosis has been made.  This may or may not have anything to do with this ex-bf especially since you stated she has had health problems since she was younger plus a family history of cancer.  I would refrain from any oral or vaginal sex until this situation with her is sorted out.  

No one will be able to tell you EXACTLY what she has via the internet or web.  Leave that to the physicians to determine.  

Has HIV or STDs been ruled out or going to be ruled out?  I wouldn't see a need for you to get checked if you have only done the above things mentioned.  

All I can say is just continue supporting her while she is going through all this.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I failed to mention an important part, her ex was a very temperamental person. Though he never physically abused Jane, he did punch his mom and would get angry very easily and would verbally abuse Jane frequently (calling her ugly, etc). So I would figure his controlling and manipulative nature combined with Janes low confidence, made it very easy for him to control her.

She IS going in for a check up and getting all the tests done next week (as I said above).

I keep imagining worse case scenarios and forgetting about it until the tests come back is easier said than done. I want to know what I can say if we do find this out. I'm not going to go and say "YOU did this. If YOU hadn't made bad decisions, this wouldn't have happened. etc."
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm and hm.  Okay, well, first welcome to med help.  Glad you joined and are here on the forum asking your question.  This can be easily resolved you know . . .  how about a test?  This is not rocket science.  They test for HIV all the time.  And it has been a good while since this incident so she would probably get a pretty definate answer . . .  simple test.  Just a test.  She could go to her regular ob/gyn with her mom to get the test.  She could go to a clinic.  She could probably even get one at her primary care docs office.   Lots of people test.  And it is time for her to test.  

No sense in worrying until she has the test.  Most likely it is negative. If it is positive, you go from there.  

Here is the thing.  I'm not chastising your girlfriend but SHE made bad choices.  After one episode of someone forcing me to have sex, um . . .  I ain't going anywhere near them.  She did a couple of times after that happened.  Lots of girls decide to have sex and then regret it.  That happens.  But I would just move on past her feeling guilty or being a victem.  It happened.  It is over.  And I'm very very sorry that she experienced something at all violent.  It is thrown off by her going back after the time that there was blood and tearing and the things you mentioned.  That is when I say, hm.  I wouldn't try to understand it or question her about it.  We all make mistakes.  move on.  

Now, tell her and her mom to schedule that test to get rid of the HIV anxiety or deal with the situation.  good luck and I think it will be okay.  Peace
Helpful - 0
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