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15710653 tn?1442531401

Give It Up or Get Out?

I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years, I moved across the country with our dogs to stay with him and give our relationship a shot and so he could be closer to his family; while in turn I left mine behind.  When I first moved out here I started up on a new birth control and have felt a slight decline in my sexual appetite while in turn, lately my boyfriend has been very interested in anal and oral.  I've never been big on oral, he has HPV and I honestly don't know the consequences of doing oral on someone with it who doesn't have any symptoms but it just freaks me out.  I also really haven't had the experience with it because none of my other boyfriends pressured me into doing it when I didn't want to.  As for the anal, we tried it once on Valentines Day two years ago and I did NOT enjoy it at all and I have no desire to try it again but he is very persistent and even when I tell him I didn't like it and don't want to, he continues to ask and says "but I like it".  Now, not for my lack of trying, we rarely even have sex.  He decides to masturbate when I'm not home instead, to videos of women giving guys oral sex and tells me that's what I've made him turn to because I won't do it.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I've given up so much to be out here with him and I feel so miserable all of the time but he's literally all I've got where we are.
Best Answer
10507163 tn?1442319914
I can hear your struggle here and I can relate, I moved to a different city far from my parents and friends in order to keep my relationship going but I missed a vital element that I should have thought about more which is whether it was really worth it, and at the time I would have instantly said yes. But a healthy relationship needs to have leniency both ways, you need to see that he would do the same for you. After 2 years I started to realize what I had done and how unhappy I was, so I broke up with him and moved back to my home town. I feel like a happier person now, even though I miss him and sometimes wonder if I made the right decision in leaving him. The fact is I'm meant to do what makes me happy and to be in a city where I didn't have my friends or support did not make me happy so you need to firstly think about are you happy where you are (which it sounds like you aren't).

Secondly, he SHOULD NOT be pressuring you, it sounds like he is maybe having some problems and is fixating on solving them with his sexual desires, but this is no excuse to pressure you, my boyfriend was also quite enthusiastic about anal and I think its something a lot of guys are interested in because its different which seems exciting or naughty. I could tolerate it on the odd occasion but I didn't enjoy it, he would suggest it sometimes but he didn't pressure me which I am grateful for. The oral sex is along the same lines, I can understand why you would be hesitant and you have the right to feel that way, he should respect that. Him saying 'but I like it' doesn't make it okay because if you're feeling uncomfortable with something he should listen.

Communication is something you really need to employ or work on more, tell him how you really feel and that it upsets you how fixated it seems he is on sex, anal and oral at the moment. The key word is also 'at the moment', it might be a phase he's going through because you're sex drive has declined so he's feeling desperate. This could also be looked into, why is it such a thing for him and is there something else going on?

You've made it work for 3 years but is that what it is? You're just making it work? Is there a future there? These are things you need to think about and decide upon because the sooner you end it the better, I can't suggest either thing specifically because I'm not in your shoes so just keep asking yourself questions and be truthful to yourself and your boyfriend. You may also want to get a point of view from your local GP as well and discuss whether you want to change your contraception pills and if it is in fact affecting your sex drive, because being unhappy can have a big impact on your sexual appetite too.  

Best wishes, you can message me and let me know how it goes or if you have any more questions.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Very sorry to hear.  I'm wondering if this wasn't too much of a sacrifice for you at this point hon.  It would be hard to give it all up for someone.  Puts a LOT of pressure on things.  

For the sexual situation.  Well, your boyfriend is asking you to do things you don't enjoy.  He's got HPV and yes, that can transfer to your mouth.  Sorry to say.  Not if he doesn't have an outbreak though.  And anal isn't for everyone.  Sex shouldn't hurt.  If you like it great, if you don't great.  

I'd tell him that you are glad he has the porn to do the things you don't like and for him to enjoy.  Does he do everything you want?  all the time?  Probably not.  It's sure nice when we can please our partners but it has to be pleasurable for you both.  

Do you think this relationship moved faster than it should have in terms of living together?  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You don't sound happy with this relationship and with what you had to do to pursue the relationship.  

Maybe you need to reevaluate the situation.........Is this even what you want?  

You just don't sound in a good place at all.  

Sex is about BOTH people being satisfied; not one person.  If he can't respect your wishes then that says a lot of about him and it isn't good.

Sounds like you gave up A LOT for him and have gotten very little in return.  

Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
You two aren't a match.  

Can you still move back to your old home town and get your job back?
Helpful - 0
15710653 tn?1442531401
It's reassuring to know that there is someone out there who has had a similar situation to me, no matter how difficult it is.  You're right.  Our communication is terrible but I do try and talk to him but it always escalates into a fight.  I feel as though a lot of our sexual issues stem from different upbringings.  I'm very reserved and have never been one to jump straight into a sexual relationship.  No one night stands, nothing sexual in a relationship until a few weeks in, I don't prefer porn or masturbating... and he is basically the opposite.  He enjoyed his drunken one nights stands in college and still loves his porn and is a big fan of loud, dirty sex.  I guess I was feeling like, he knew how I was when we first started dating because I made him wait and I even told him what I was interested in doing and not doing and he stayed with me so as time went on and we moved in together and he figured out how I was as a person all of the sexual stuff got pushed into the background because I did EVERYTHING else for him.  Im basically a house wife who works full-time and cares for our two big dogs (whom I love like they're my children).  I take on all of the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, shopping, walking the dogs... etc. all while working 40 hours a week.  He works and thats it.  All I want in return is a little love and affection and the ability to be myself at home and I feel that I can't even do that anymore.  He's also very easily angered; we've spoken about it many times and he's been to therapy, tried drugs and exercise and says none of it's worked.  I'm honestly feeling trapped I think.  I feel as though I've come so far and given up so much that it would be a waste of everything to just go back home now.  Caused my parents pain for nothing, spent thousands for nothing, taken so much emotional abuse for nothing.  I don't want to play the victim, I'm obviously the one who's still around.  I just feel like he puts on a front when he's angry and if I can get past it or wait for him to calm then we're ok.  It's just making it through that storm that is the hard part and I don't have it in me anymore. I don't want to stay, I really just feel like I cant leave.
Helpful - 0
10507163 tn?1442319914
It sounds like you two are very different people, its the same case with my ex, I'm emotional whereas he liked feeling no emotions at all and somehow managed to often think about nothing at all which I envy because my mind is constantly running. Two different people in a relationship together can be a positive and a negative, it can even out each others imbalances but it can also put a divide in the relationship. Being so different makes it difficult to connect and understand each other. I often question why I ruined something that seemed good but in my mind it's like a fantasy, I wasn't being true to myself because I wanted to hold onto everything we had done together and the couple that we had grown into but in reality we would argue a lot because we were so different, things would get misunderstood and I often didn't feel positive feelings towards him when we were together.

Being sexually different can be a big deal breaker because it is a very special connection that's important for your wellbeing, you need someone that respects you mentally, physically, sexually and to me it sounds like you aren't getting that. You need to put yourself first for a change, this sounds like a constant battle, it must be tiring having to be the one to do everything and receive nothing in return. Don't feel like you can't leave because you can, I did even when I thought he might not be able to handle things very well without me but it turns out men can be very resilient. It sounds like your boyfriend still has a lot of growing to do mentally, if he's not ready for a real committed relationship then don't stand around waiting for him to change, it takes a very long time, and sometimes they don't change. It wouldn't be for nothing because these are all experiences we need to have in life so we can learn and grow, maybe he needs this wake up call so he can really start to change.

Remember you don't have to do it alone, friends or family have probably been in a similar situation before and would understand if you need help. I'm always here to help as well if you need more advice, my break up was semi recent so my personal experiences are fresh and ready to help anyone in need.
Helpful - 0
15710653 tn?1442531401
I feel the same way that you were explaining.  I try to hold on to everything we've built.  I tell myself that it will get better, all I have to do is push through but no matter how many times I push through there is always another fight, waiting for us at some point on the other side.  I just don't want to let go.  I know I need to and I have to but I feel like I will hate myself for giving up.  I don't want to become numb to the situation because then I feel like I'll never be able to get out of it but at the same time I find myself second guessing my decision to hold my ground on the situation because he gets to me.  He makes me feel like maybe I AM the problem and I AM over reacting.  
I'm afraid to use what energy I have left to fight for myself instead of fighting for the relationship like I have been all along.  There's also our dogs.  One is technically his but like I mentioned, he can be a very angry person and I'm afraid to leave his dog here with him if I get the courage to go.  He shows very little patience with them and I do all of the feeding, bathing, vaccines, walks, etc.  but he swears that it's his dog and he'd never let him go.  I truly would fear for his safety and well being if I had to leave him here too.  I think that is another reason why I feel like I can't go.  Almost as if, when I'm here it takes the attention off of the dogs so he can take his anger out on me and not on them.  
I wish I would've used my brain before I decided to move out here with him and I could've avoided this whole situation.  I wish I had my life back and was with my family again and just moving on with life in a direction I wanted and was happy.  It makes me think, is life always going to be this difficult?  If not with him, would it be with someone else?  Maybe I should stay, because at least I know how the story goes... but I realize how silly that sounds.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Can you just take both dogs and leave?  Pack your stuff up when he isn't home and leave.  Legally, I am not sure what can happen in these cases, however, if you feel the dog will be abused then I think you should remove the dog from the situation.  Contact ASPCA or a local organization that deals with animal abuse and proceed from there.  

I wouldn't suggest continuing a relationship with someone who has anger issues that aren't being addressed.  If he is showing signs of taking his frustrations out on a dog then you are sitting in a dangerous situation.  Staying with him won't protect the dog and won't protect you.  He could be abusing the dog while you aren't home.  I can guarantee you the "story" won't be good for you or the dog if you stay.  He sounds like a ticking time bomb.

Get a plan, get help from your family and friends and get out of there.  Go back to a happy, peaceful environment.

"Maybe I should stay, because at least I know how the story goes... but I realize how silly that sounds."................Doesn't sound silly; it sounds not safe to do.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Please don't feel that you've "wasted" your time and energy and that it's somehow too late for you to find someone that you click with. Obviously you don't click on any level with this one. The fact that you don't have children, but you do all the housework and look after the two dogs, speaks volumes of whether you should stay or go. The fact that he tries to demand that you do sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, says that he will use you. If you don't do this, it might not be porn sites that he visits, past present or future. I really didn't 'get a sense of you getting anything out of this, but i did get a sense that you might be embarrassed moving back home and having to admit hat you possilbly made a mistake. You don't hae to explain yourself, other than to say, it' didn't work out and i want something different from my life partner. That's about all you have to say on the subject whether it be to family or new dating prospects, unless you feel inclined to embellish. Unfortunately, about 50% of us have to learn from a first marriage what to embody in our second. You will be in good company having to move on from this. He is obviously using you, to run his house, and expects you also to "act" like a sex worker and succumb to his every demand. It's degrading. Put all of what you've said about his character together, and you've got no reason to say a moment longer.

Both dogs are yours. If you take both dogs, and half of whatever you have acquired together while he's at work, i doubt that he would launch a law suite to get the dog in question back.

If you wanted to , you could first try to address all these issues, you dong 100% of the housework caring for the dogs, trying to force you to have sex that you don't want, with a marriage counselor. But i didn't get in your post that you are "in love " with this man, and you deserve to have that feeling. You can love a person, and wish them no ill , and leave because you have an ideal partner in mind , now (that you know what to look for...

The kind of love that you could now expect and demand for yourself is out there. You can't find it staying where you are waiting one day at time to see things go from bad to worse.......give love a chance, go home and allow yourself some time to sweep this from your life, and find your true blue partner....God speed. If you think it's going to be hard to move now because of the time you've put  in, it's only going to get worse with every passing day.........

JUMP, might as well...jump.....
Helpful - 0
10507163 tn?1442319914
Try not to think about what it would be like, you never know, this might be (and probably is) a change that you really need. By the sounds of it you aren't over- reacting and you're not the problem, you're doing everything you can to make it work but he isn't so the fact is you don't sound happy and that's the most important thing that you need to focus on.

The dog situation does sound tricky, but to me it doesn't sound like he is fit to look after an animal properly and they would be in a lot better care if you were to take them both. His anger sounds like an issue so be careful if you make any decisions like this, discussing things will probably be best done in a letter where you can have everything written down that you need him to know, don't try and do it face to face because you leaving will most likely make him very angry so you need to keep yourself and the dogs safe. Don't let it discourage you, you are strong, you've dealt with him all this time so you're probably the expert on it.

I too have learnt that decisions like moving will need a lot looking into before doing it, these are all lessons and one I'm sure you'll never forget but it's not going to be this difficult all the time. You have a lot ahead of you but just take it step by step and the task won't be so big. One day you'll find someone that loves and respects you how you deserve, have faith in that even when it seems hard to believe.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He's not a very nice person. I've never heard of someone being so selfish and brutally demanding. And especially after you MOVED for him?! Wow. No matter what else you may like about him, no male like THAT is a real man who has anything to offer. He won't improve your life. You should cut your losses, let him go on jerking off since he likes it so much. I think you ditch his dumb *ss, move back home and find someone who is actually good for you. From where I'm standing, you got nothing to lose.

HPV is human papillomavirus. There are over 150 types. It's widespread and usually goes away on it's own, unless it doesn't. In which case you're in for real trouble. But you may not know it for years, there can be a time delay for onset of symptoms. The more sex partners you have the greater the likelihood of getting it. You can get it by normal sex, oral sex and anal sex. Even if he has no signs or symptoms he can transmit it, it doesn't matter.

It can cause cancer, especially cervical cancer. And it can give you throat cancer when you do oral alot. Plus it's easier for someone to get infected with HIV if they are already infected with HPV.

I hate seeing women getting mistreated, bullied and abused. I hope you do what's best for you. That's definitely your finding another boyfriend.
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