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8663814 tn?1399470728

Got dumped...she was the love of my life...now depressed

I got dumped by a woman who said she'd never leave me and that NOBODY would come between us. Anyway, this new boyfriend of hers moved in very quickly with her. Her rent is $800 a month and utilities are minimal. I am
still in contact with her [yes I understand this is wrong] but I still DO live her. She has apologized for dumping me and deep down inside I think she realizes that she may have made a mistake. She tells me that if things don't work out with him she'd come back to me. Yes, I am in denial [I realize this] but I still DO care about her very very much.

I didn't come on here for sympathy or anything like that because my problem is nothing compared to someone living with cancer or some other horrible disease, but I AM depressed. Very depressed. It is affecting my work to the point that I cry at my desk [even 8 months after] and people are noticing.

I have not seem a counsellor yet, as I've been trying to deal with this on my own. Yes I know that it's wrong to self-diagnose. I can't forget her. I keep photos and I cannot let go. And I have read all of the self-help strategies about eliminating all of the social network connections, photos, blocking emails and phone numbers...I just don't because the memories and the love was so intense and real and genuine. If the love was so "real" and "genuine" then why did she dump me you ask? It was a long distance relationship. I'm in Alberta. She's in Scarborough. She IS the love of my life. I cannot even look at another woman and I'm faced with the horrifying prospect that I may never move on or even be capable of moving on because I fully believe I'll never fall in love like that again or care about a woman like I care about her. And yes I realize I have to love myself and do things to help me move on like exercise [I've lost 35 lbs - a healthy loss] and I'm volunteering more, involved in hobbies and getting out more...I'm doing all the right things...it's just that she still wants a connection with me and she has openly stated to me that she needs me in her life and that I am in her heart and soul forever. She still does tell me that she loves me, but is not "in-love" with me. That's fine, I understand that. But then she says that I am important to her and that she never wants to lose me. Then why did she dump me for a guy that she knew for many years that she just "bumped into" [her words] and that she met at the store she works at.

He's a scrub. A TOTAL freeloader. But she doesn't see it. She makes excuses for him like his union job is very part time and the union dues are high. Meanwhile she has told me that he sits on the couch and smokes pot and plays video games.

Maybe he's a nice guy, but a scrub nonetheless.

Worse yet, her family [who still keep in touch with me] tell me that she should have never dumped me because I'm the best man that's ever been in her life.

This guy is 44, he works very part time like I said, he smokes pot alot and plays LOTS of video games. He doesn't have a car, and he is not allowed to see his children because he claims that his ex-wife is a b*tch. What kind of man isn't allowed to see his own children? She keeps saying to me that his ex lied to the Judge and the Judge believed her and that's why he's denied access to his children. Wtf? I mean, Judges don't just 'willy-nilly' make knee jerk decisions based on the exes testimony do they?

My ex is 39 and she has medical issues and has 4 children [none live with her] and this guy moved in with my ex after dating her for 2 months. She is on welfare and works part time too. :(

The last time I sent money last week [yes I know I'm stupid] she said "he's trying" and "he paid for groceries and the cable bill"...lol..what kind of guy moves in with a woman who has 4 kids, and doesn't help pay rent? She says she's in love with him. When does the love fade in these types of relationships?

I got dumped for this guy? Serious?

I know I'm going to get bombarded with messages about how stupid I am and "can you not see what's going on here" kind of advice and I get that, but please be kind. I am depressed. Very depressed. I cannot get over her. I would be back with her in a heartbeat. And yes I realize that this is very toxic thinking/behaviour.

She does contact me and asks me how I am, and all of the niceties exes ask each other, but something tells me that she is reaching out in other ways because she thinks subconsciously she has made a mistake by dumping me and she has to wait for her current relationship to die before she reaches out to me.

I DO realize that this site is for Medical help and my issue seems relationship-based and to some of most it may seem petty, but I AM depressed. Very depressed. I have thought of suicide. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I do get the odd brief message from her and she does send a photo every once-in-a-while.

I would go back to her, but the ground rules would have to be set before we continue anything. I would die for her. That doesn't mean that I don't love myself. I just LOVE her that much. It is a TRUE AND GENUINE love that I feel for her.

I need advice. Relationship advice would be welcomed as well. A woman's perspective would be nice. And I'd also like advice on how I could win her back. I've read all of the stuff like I said about how to improve yourself and move on. I guess I still haven't moved on and want her and ONLY her. I am working on just being her friend. She values my friendship. She says she does and I have no reason to believe that she is being dishonest when she says that because she is a very honest person.

Please help. I am a lonely, sad and depressed man. :(
14 Responses
480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!  I sent a note to our mods about moving your thread to the relationships forum.  I think you'll get more comprehensive input there.  A lot of the same people (like myself) post on both forums anyway.

Listen, no one is going to call you stupid.  It's VERY clear from your post that you're hurting, and doing a LOT of negative self talk.  I don't think I need to tell you the things you're doing "wrong" per se, as you've covered most of the bases already yourself, but I WILL say this...

WE teach people how we want to be treated.  Only YOU can willingly give your power away to another person.  I KNOW you're hurting, and feel betrayed, but NO person on the face of the Earth is worth lowering our own standards as far as how others treat us!  Her leaving you on the back burner "just in case" is just unacceptable.  YoYou HAVE to dig deep and find the pride and self respect to NOT be okay with that hon.  

I also think you're confusing your feelings for her (aka "love of your life") with the grief and pain you're feeling.  Love isn't supposed to be cruel or hurtful.  People who truly love us, respect us, and want the best for us will NOT treat us in a way that not only hurts, but in ways where the hurt is prolonged.  She's acting VERY selfishly.   She's ONLY thinking of herself.  Time for YOU to do the same.  You have to look out for YOU.

I hear that you HAVE done a lot of the things necessary to move on from the relationship except one big important one, actually MOVING on, which means cutting all contact.  Will it stink?  Yes.  Will it hurt?  Yes, But not much more than you're hurting now.  You have to find a way to move on, find closure, and live day to day without her.  I know just reading that probably makes your stomach turn, but coming from someone who isn't emotionally involved, that's exactly what needs to happen.  I don't think you'll find one soul besides YOU who thinks you should do anything but move on.  

You WILL not feel like this forever, I promise.  Break ups are hard, devastating even, but again, YOU are in control of the next move, for YOURSELF.  Maybe somewhere down the line, she'll come to her senses and the two of you will reunite, but I think that counting on that, or hoping for that isn't the right approach.  I think you need to move on completely.  I'm willing to bet that after you've healed and moved on, IF she came back to you, you would probably tell her to take a hike.  Right now, your grief is overwhelming and you cannot imagine that, but it's possible.  You are ONLY thinking of all that SHE has to offer a relationship, what about what YOU have to offer?  I bet a lot...and instead, she chose some loser.  Dig dig dig deep.....find your self respect and be done with that.  It's NOT okay!

You need to seek professional help for the way you're feeling and PLEASE understand that suicide is NO solution, and if you're feeling suicidal, you  need to seek help ASAP.  Don't put off seeking out a mental health professional any longer.  There's NOTHING wrong with doing so.  There are times in life when life gets too hard, and we have trouble coping.  You're 100% there.  This isn't a battle meant to be fought alone.  Also, lean on your loved ones as well.  Stay busy, distraction is a wonderful thing.

You seem like a nice, smart and insightful guy.  You've already clearly figured out what you should and shouldn't do.  Now it's time to put those words into action.  She doesn't need (or deserve) you as a friend, and you don't need to sacrifice your pride and self respect to be her "fall guy", NO way.  As BADLY as you hurt right now, imagine how you'll feel in 3 months, 6 months, or a year (or more) after she's continued to string you along, playing with your emotions.  That's not love sweetie.  That's torture!

Keep talking to us.....you can get through this.  It's the right thing to do for YOURSELF...moving on that is.  We're here for you.  I wish you the best!
480448 tn?1426948538
I'm going to also leave a link to your thread on the initial forum (Depression) so that anyone there can come here and comment.  That way you get the best of both worlds.

8663814 tn?1399470728
Hi there,

I don't know what to say except for "thank you so much" for that wonderful response. You said some powerfully insightful things. I agree wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING you said in your response. I have slowly started to cut ties as in blocking on Facebook, and other social sites...the toughest part is the minutiae of photos of her and I and of course the photos of her that are in my phone. I am a sentimental man that cherishes memories. I agree with you that I do not deserve any of this and that she is selfish [even though she used to tell her friends and family how great and caring she was] actually she had a brother who she ALWAYS exclaims that he's extremely selfish. I didn't even say the whole story. Pretty much just encapsulated and truncated the story. The hardest thing is letting go of the good memories [and those memories were some, if not the best of my life] and moving forward which I totally get that I need to do. I can't believe I still love her. Even after everything she has done to me. The mixed emotions are the toughest. I'm not a 'hate' person. I could never hate anyone. That's why it's so hard for me. But I agree with you so much on the concentrating on me part. And she cannot take power away from me. I LOVE when you said "We teach other how to treat us"...a really dark part of me wants her to feel the same pain she delivered to me. I have a feeling the low life she's with now will use her. On the one hand I'm devasted for her. On the other hand, I think to myself, "you have your reward, now enjoy it". [Yes, tongue in cheek there].

I read your response 3 times. Parts of it half a dozen times.

Could you please keep in touch with me?

My name is Ted. :)

Avatar universal
Sorry, not a woman's perspective, I'm a man.  I've been dumped way too many times and have suffered my way through and diminished my life.  It's a waste of time.  Trying to understand why a person breaks up with us is impossible.  But this woman isn't for you no matter what happens because you'll never ever ever trust her again.  She's probably trying to make it easier for you, and for her, by saying what she's saying, but her actions are all that matter.  Your reaction is a reflection of who you are:  maybe you were already somewhat depressed, have too little self-esteem for whatever reason, was just born with too much sensitivity -- who knows?  Without people going overboard on breakups we'd have very little literature or art or music.  I never found a way to completely escape this feeling, but as I got much older I threw myself into work and made it a point to just not have any contact with the person for a good long while -- it just keeps hurting.  Therapy is a cliche, but at least it lets us use these things as a learning tool.  It will hurt until time cause it to callous over, but it will never completely go away.  Like a scar.  My only advice is to find a way to move on -- the holding on just isn't worth it.  Too much life left to live.  Peace.
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi also. This has happened to me a few time in my life and you know what, its all a bunch of bull what these people do to others hearts. It might happen to you one more time but after that youll come to realize who these people really are that do this to others. You dont see it now because your blinded with hope that someday they will return.
They are users, exploiters, takers, liers and the list goes on. Dont be hurt, be mad. Who does she think she is even saying she doesnot want to have you out of your life. Shes still stringing you along with such a heartless statement.

There is a good treatment, if available in your area. Its called Rolfing. Its designed to get the true feelings to the surface.
480448 tn?1426948538
Of course we'll keep in touch, keep posting!  I love that you got the male perspective from Paxiled and Life360.  I couldn't agree more with Life's statement, "don't be hurt, be mad".  SO true.

And this from Paxiled:

"My only advice is to find a way to move on -- the holding on just isn't worth it.  Too much life left to live.  Peace."
Avatar universal
Sometimes it just happens that we find out the 'someone' isn't the RIGHT one.  Better to find that out sooner than later.

Good advice from NurseGirl
and
REALLY, REALLY good what Paxil said !!  from a Man's perspective !! AND as a voice of experience !!
3149845 tn?1506627771
I dont know if this is any consolation but what she did to you will happen to her and it may be with this new Mr right. Shes setting you up as is revealing shes having problems already by statements that she never wants you out of her life.
If this happens, you need to man up and tell her to take a hike. Youll feel much better about yourself when you do that.

On a side note: Have you ever broken someones heart?
7052037 tn?1389027909
I been there and done that.  It is very hard to go through.  However, you need to give it time.  It takes a while to bounce back.  However, I promise you that you will feel better over time.  Accept it in you mind that it is over.  Plus, I would not take her back if it were me.  You deserve better than the way you were treated.  
8663814 tn?1399470728
Thank you SO much for your insights. A man's perspective is sure appreciated. I'm sorry you've been dumped many times. I have also been dumped on other occasions in the past and yes I have been the dumper too...(More the dumpee than the dumper though)...In the past after a relationship fizzled and died, I was always sad, but it always subsided after a week, a couple weeks, a month...I'm going on 8 months with this one...and yes I still cry...like a baby sometimes. I've never done that before.

Your 'scar' analogy is perfect. That's exactly what this will become. A scar that I will always see/feel [on my heart]...

Thanks for the great advice. :)

Take care my friend...

Ted
8663814 tn?1399470728
You're SO right about exploiters and manipulators.

My father always has told me through life, "There are two kinds of people in life; takers and givers, be with the last group"...

I should listen to his advice.

Funny thing is that she [my ex] would vehemently deny that she was a taker or a manipulator. Who would want to own up that right?

She also has had such pain in her life, that's why it was hard for me to see her as a manipulative person. I guess the fact that she's still secretly texting and emailing me and asking for money behind his back is a huge warning sign.

Temptation is my enemy with her. If she did call one day and want to come back, it would be SO hard to resist that offer. The LOVE was SO pure and real. [I thought at least].

Thanks for your response.

Ted
480448 tn?1426948538
That's why they call it "manipulation" because manipulators are so good at twisting and turning things to their advantage, and often times the people they're manipulating don't even realize it (for a while anyway).

When she texts you, are you responding?  I know it's very hard NOT to, but you really need to cut off all contact.  You need to let her know enough is enough, that SHE made this choice, so you're washing your hands of her.  NO more contact.  I certainly hope you haven't given her any money?  Change your phone number, or block her # if you have to.

It sounds like she's not such the nice person you think (or have convinced yourself) that she is.  Anyone who would leave someone they supposedly loved and committed to, and then KNOWING it hurt them so badly, continue to string them along, and on top of that, ask for money??????......is nothing but a creep.  Sorry, that's just how I see it.  That's NOT a nice person.  

I really hope you can dig deep to find the courage to be done with her, time to get mad, fed up and say to yourself, "WHY am I crying over HER?  HER loss!"  I think you would have moved on MUCH more emotionally if you hadn't continued the contact, allowing her to give you false hopes that she MAY come back at some point if things don't work out with this new jerk.  8 months into it, if you had TRULY cut ties and worked on grieving the relationship, you'd feel a lot better by now.  You may even be at that place where your eyes were opened to how she truly is.  

I TRULY hope you DO put your foot down and say "no more"...cut ALL ties and allow yourself to finally move on!  NO ONE deserves to be used, and treated like that, and CERTAINLY not in the name of "love"!  That's NOT love!

Keep us updated okay?
Avatar universal
When deceit and manipulation is not in Our Own Character, it's difficult for Us to recognize those traits in Another - that's why They are often successful at what They do.  Manipulators spot naivete' in Us.  In Our 'innocence We are 'targets'. This I know is true.
Avatar universal
Being dumped *****! Been there and they can keep that t-shirt! I feel your pain but here's crazy good advice... Feelings are JUST THAT.. feelings. You can alter them with your thoughts. Think about how it ***** and it hurts. Think about how its going to get so much better, and it will!
Well from your post you made one critical error..."I got dumped by a woman who said she'd never leave me and that NOBODY would come between us." She said that...AND...it wasn't true? Dude women say a lot of things but its what she DOES that counts! YES! She meant it when she said it ...but like most things women say it was constantly up for review. I'm not calling women liars, no, just that they say what they FEEL. I love you NOW, I'm horny NOW, I love this movie (crying), I love these shoes (happy), I'm feel bored..(lets go) etc.  The bottom line is this...she's allowed to feel these things and also allowed to change her mind. There's no right or wrong. Right now you FEEL depressed. It will pass and you will barely remember how it felt. Focus on you and don't judge her feelings.
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