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Avatar universal

He is married

He is married to someone else, I am married to someone else. He has promised for almost six years to leave her in order to marrie me. Of course he has not. He also promised to love and care for me. However, each time I ask him to help with life he denies me. I have broken off the relationship several times but I think I miss and love him. We always get back together. I need to get over this person. And by the way, my life was so beautiful prior to embarking on this affair. Since the relationship, I lost my job, started drinking, lost my home, my mom, my brother, and my kids have been shot at. I never had these life altering events before the relationship. I am wondering is god trying to get my attention. We are broken again, but i think of him constantly. The sex is awsome.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thanks for that trying43----------  I agree that a church can be great in this area!  I'm glad it worked out for you as well!  Therapy can be a great thing.
Helpful - 0
1346146 tn?1299360497
Sounds like therapy would be a great idea. If money is an issue, most pastors of churches are certified councilers and their sevices are free.  I went this route before and it really helped me with my situation. I was given practical solutions and advice. I have also been to a therapist that I paid for, I actually got more from the pastor because he told me like it was and wasnt afraid to step on my toes to get the point accross.  And I agree with the other poster there are good ones and bad ones, you just have to find the right one for you.(I needed to toe stepper! lol) I hope you will get help with your situation, good luck to you.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, therapy is like everything else----------- there are good ones and bad ones out there. I'd suggest that you find someone that has their Ph.D in psychology and some years of experience under their belt.  Many women feel more comfortable with another woman as their therapist and I recommend that in your case.  A psychologist/therapist absolutely does listen but they also can analyze what you say and try to find out why things in your life have gone in a certain direction.  Maybe they can be traced to something that happened in your childhood or more recent past and making this connection is important to not let it interfere any more.  They can also offer techniques to stop yourself from doing destructive things or improve something that would benefit you (like communication).  They help get your game plan together for what you need to do for a healthy life. Sometimes they don't say just what you want to hear but will express things you need to hear.  And really, they always have your best interest at heart and can look at things without biased to help guide you.  They are your cheer leaders.  I think it would really benefit you.  Good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I really dont think god is punishing you by hurting your fam... I think your being really selfish kuz your only thinking about what diz guy promise you and that you miss him and the great sex ect... Not once did you think about your kids your husband and his wife and if he has kids... You really need help hope yoy get it soon...  If you really dont want to be witt your husband then just leave him he has the right to find and be happy with someone else who will love him and just be his only one... n....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its time to stop the crying and stand up and do what is right. This guy you are involved with is never going to leave the wife and ya know, even if he did, and you two did get together, he would find someone to cheat with on you as well. He is married, you are married. Either be married, both of you or get divorced and be done with it. I know that may sound harsh but it is just the fact of what needs to happen here. Your self esteem has been eaten away with time and you need to get that back with a healthy dose of self respect and send that man packin back to the poor woman that married him.
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Avatar universal
I need help you are correct. I want to know what will a therapist offer, besides an ear? Do they really help? I have cried so much in my life I don't want to go to a therapist just to release some more tears.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think deep down you know that you will miss out of absolutely  nothing.  He is no prize.

Congrats on getting sober!  One must be brave and strong to do that.  As you conquered that, you can conquer this.  Don't let him fool you in any way.  Make a new path in this world.  

and consider the therapist.  It is nice to have an unbiased party to help----------  like your own cheering section to help you through and to give guidance.  We can try to help here but it never replaces that one on one contact.  So consider if this is an option.

Best of luck, you will be fine.  I just know it.  and you don't need this man to create anymore drama in your life.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Great information. I have been sober for about a year now. But the bolders were already inertia. My husband was having an afair and I confided in this person. He took the information and ran with it. I must say, the afair was rather rocky as well, I stood him up more than meeting with him in sleezie hotels and parking lots. He tirelessly tried to get me to sex him more often. He promised to leave her. I knew he wouldn't. I really did. He often asked for more than sex, he wanted my time. After a while I only wanted sex time with him. However, since he promised to care for me, sometimes I'd request he do just that but he never came through for me. My husband, on the other hand, always had my back. I think you all so much. I needed to get over this relationship. Because of the type of relationship it was, I was apprehensive to confide in anyone about exactly how I felt. He cheapend me in so many ways.
I do have feelings for him which are covered by the deceite, lies and failed promises. Our last fight and stand-up, he wanted to break off the relationship with me. He swore that this is going to be the year he leaves her and I will miss out.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh my goodness.  This is one of those times in which I think it is really helpful to start thinking "how in the heck did I end up here"?  Then you will have a better chance of getting out of it and not ever ever repeating it.  

I would start thinking about what was happening in your life prior to the affair.  Were you having marital issues, were you lonely, insecure, bored?  What allowed any of this to happen in the first place?  I'd really soul search about that.  You put a lot on the line for the affair and knowing what made you willing to risk it all to do that would be helpful.  Sometimes we have something internal that we are feeding-------------  and then this very unhealthy way is our choice.  So, think about that.

Second, well------------ I would say that you can not count on this man.  He is most likely making his wife many promises as well.  And by law, he should fulfill his promise to her first, right?  They are still married.  And to be frank, relationships that start as that one did are usually doomed.   The success rate is really low statistically for relationships that start while one or both people are still married to someone else.  So, you kind of set yourself up for failure by wanting to be with him.

And wanting to be with him---------- you say something quite key.  "He promised to take care of me".  Hm.  This always worries me.  You need to get out of that mind set.

Things I'd focus on now---------  drinking.  If this is interfering in your life, time to get sober!  It will compound all issues and can absolutely ruin your life.  Job.  Time to refocus on work and find employment or if you are at another job, throw yourself into it and make it a flying success.  Kids-------- if you have kids, focus your extra energy and attention on them.  Shower them with your time and effort.  You------  do some enhancing of yourself in the form of exploring what makes you really happy that has nothing to do with men.  Explore your hobbies, exercise, etc.  

I'd definately look into therapy and in fact think it is essential for you.  I suspect a bit of depression at this point.  And I think that looking at some of the questions I've asked and some you may be asking yourself with a professional would be so beneficial for you to restart your life in a healthy way.  I wish you all the best----------  peace.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are so right. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone impartial.
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Avatar universal
Sweetie, be strong! This is just an example of falling in love with the wrong person. Are you no longer in love with your husband? If you're having problems with him you could try counseling and maybe with the reconnection with your husband it will be easier to get over this guy. But you HAVE to stop seeing this guy! It seems like you know by now that he will never EVER leave his wife. He's just using you honey, and no matter how good the sex is it's NOT worth your self respect or sanity! You need to be strong and leave this guy. Change your number so he can't get a hold of you anymore, but you need it. You should definitely seek some kind of counseling though. It sounds like you've been through SO much in the last 6 years and haven't talked to anyone! The first step though is to get rid of this guy, he's no good for you! Just be strong, everything will start looking up!
Helpful - 0
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