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596241 tn?1269340536

Help :( In a tricky situation

I am just about to turn 20 and my partner is 21..... We have lived together for over a year and have been dating since I was 16 and he was 17...  At the start of the relationship I was a total COW to him I always made him make the effort, always wanted all of his time, I wanted it ALL... I know I was terribly selfish... I was so used to getting my way ALL the time... A year into our relationship I found out about his past love, she lived in a different state though but when things were going bad between us he would crawl back to her (the way I was acting sometimes I didn't blame him) lead her on for a few days-weeks bringing up old times and then once he was ok with me he would stop talking to her.. I found out by him confessing this to me and it broke my heart. I eventually gained my trust back and then a few months later his dad asked him to come back home with him (his past love lives in the same hometown as my partners father) he chose me over his family and her and thats when I knew to start treating him better and I really treated him sooo well, I never took him for granted, gave him his space, etc... But the fact that he was still in love with his ex for a bit... It haunted me.. And then last year my grandfather passed away and we all went out to town and my partner got really drunk and I caught him watching porn when we came home. I snapped I told him we were over and I didnt love him. For three days he tried to get back with me, texting me and calling me and I pushed him away. Then on the third day he told me I was right and that we were better as friends. That was a slap in the face.. My heart broke then and there.... We were broken up for a month, when he seen I didn't get with anyone else and stayed faithful and he had time to think he came back to me... But I found out he had crawled back to his ex again and when he was drunk (the day we got back together) I took this to my advantage and asked him "if your ex rocked up on our door step asking you out who would you chose, me or her" and he looked me in the eyes and said "to be honest I don't know... She will always have a piece of me but I love you." this absolutely killed me.... But the next day he apologised and assured me that he loved me, his father told me that my partner had come to him asking for advice and that had come to realise it was a stupid child crush he had had on that girl and that he used to her to feel love when I wasnt giving it to him. Since then we have been happily back together for another 6 months since that breakup... But the fear that he does things behind my back (even though I am assured by his best friends and family that he LOVES me and has even spoken about marriage to them) it destroys me. I feel like I rely on him to be happy and without him I will drown... There is too much more to explain on this post. The main problem is... I don't trust him..... But then again I don't trust anyone not even my family.. I have been betrayed so many times by my best friends, family, etc I don't know HOW to trust and the anxiety eats me up.  I want to know to be happy with myself and to be able to trust. My boyfriend burts into tears one night saying he was sorry for the things he had done but I need to trust him because it is destroying him. But I dont believe anyone can love me, and the fact that we fell in love so young scares me because people keep saying young love doesn't last..... And I always believe what I hear. :(

Help???
13 Responses
596241 tn?1269340536
Oh some MORe things lol:

*The period in which we broke up for a month he did a few bad things... Tried to go back out with me just for sex, got some girls numbers and was very harsh and rude to me.... Kept saying he loved me, then he loved me not.... I forgot to mention that. He said he was depressed and couldn't feel anything and he also told me he was scared he had fallen in love so young and was scared of feeling for someone so strongly at this age so he pushed me away.
*Since the breakup he has told me he knows I am the girl for him, etc I just REFUSE to belive it in my head. Whenever he goes out I automatically think he is cheating even though he has never cheated before
969634 tn?1330840594
hi carlizia ,

I think this is the age factor , both you guys are not matured enough , being a girl , i feel you might be a lil more matured then him .
dhen you have responsiblities on you , you will start living happily .
the more you won't trust him , the more he will hide things from you . you need to tell him and make him feel that u trust him blindly and want to spend ur whole life with him . also keep in mind , that you need to make urself understand , that all relations work on trust , and if u don't you will invite trouble .

forget what happened in past , be in present , even if he goes away to his EX - for sometime , he returns back to u. and once his ex might get in relation with someone else or get married , sge will keep a distance with him .

so don't worry and trust him .
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Phew!  Deep breath.  That was a lot to digest.  I'm going to mention what jumped ot at me.  First, you are of an age in which I hope that you are working on the things that have nothing to do with a man.  You should be pursuing some time of education or job that will set you up to be independent if necessary.  You should be spending time with your friends.  You should be doing things that you enjoy and help you grow as a person and not just someone's girlfriend.  I say that because you made a statement that you feel like you are drowning without him.  That should not be the case.  I'm married and love my husband but am secure and not in high need.  Not trying to make you mad or anything---------  but it is really important in your 20's to think of YOU and where you are headed regardless of your man.  Take him with you----  but you need to be working on you right now.

This relationship has been very volatile.  Down, up down and back up.  I don't know what to say.  You clearly love him and he seems to love you but you are going to have to work through some of these problems.  How?  Well-----------  no game playing.  Don't tell him to get out and be mad when he does.  Don't break up with the expectation that he will stay alone during that time and not be with another.  Say what you mean and think before you speak.  
It is very true that if someone cheats it is hard to get over.  The problem here is I can't tell if he has really cheated.  On breaks from the relationship he went back with his old girlfriend.  But ya know what-------  all that is in the past.  You seem to want to work this out with him and him with you.  That is what is important.  You have to decide that this relationship is what you want and try to make it a good one.  Trust takes time but do all the things in the relationship that would make it a healthy one.  Communicate in a productive way, share posative experiences with one another, fight fair.  
I think this relationship has a chance.  You are a young couple and are learning.  But you will have to let the relationship and yourself mature a bit to be rock solid.  good luck and best wishes for a happy future.
145992 tn?1341345074
I also believe maturity plays a huge factor in having a successful relationship but I also think that you are too emotionally invested in this relationship.  The fact that you say that you can not be without it shows that you are too co-dependent.  Too much of something is never a good thing.  Do you have any interests outside of this relationship?  Friends you like to hang out with?  You are too wrapped up in all of this and that is why you are so focused on what he's doing instead of paying attention to your wants and needs.  Men don't like women who are are insecure.  You need to gain confidence in him and in your relationship.  What he's doing was wrong, playing ping pong with both of you women.  But as the above poster said before, you can't live in the past.  Live in the here and now and go by how he's treating you now.  You both are at the points in your lives where you are growing as people and getting to learn how to deal with a relationship.  That takes years to master.  Try to get involved with other activities that aren't about your boyfriend.  Because no one should be your entire world.
145992 tn?1341345074
specialmom, I was typing mine before I even looked at yours.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Mami---------  I'm thinking we share a brain!  LOL
145992 tn?1341345074
I think so as well...lol.
596241 tn?1269340536
Hmm looking at my post I can see how some assumptions are made.

1. I actually am focused on career and friends. I am midway through a psychology degree at uni and I have an active social life.
2. I know what the problem is... I rely on him to be my main source of happyness and that is dangerous. I just don't know how to fix it.
3. I love him and want to be with him for a long time but I am not wanting to be married up or a home-body. I just want trust and loyalty which I am pretty sure he is...

4. My partner has his head screwed on very well.. He says he loves me and wants to be with me for a long time, but he enjoys going out with friends and partying and that I have to trust him now and to enjoy myself when I go out. But its so hard, I always wonder what he is up to.......  Unfortunately his mother cheated on his father and took everything from his family and he has a hard time trusting women and he said only this year has he come to trust me... So I do feel special..

I just want to know how to stop relying on him to be happy, I mean I go out with friends and have alot of them.. But I am so guarded no one knows who I really am except my partner.. I guess that is why I need him so much...

I am lost :(
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think you can think about how he has made you very unhappy as well.  Then you realize that another person should enhance your life and not be your life.  

I'd make a list of things that YOU like to do. Exercise related is great, and other things as well.  Politics, volunteering, gardening, church, whatever.  Make a nice long list. And you start going out and doing those things.  Do them without him and build a life that is full even if he isn't with you.  Make some friends of your own, etc.  It doesn't all have to be about partying (the age coming back into play with the two of you . . . )  And beyond that-----------  I think you just have to mature.  Not cutting down your age, but you are expressing immature love emotions.  I had a full blown successful career, lots of interests, friends a full life in which my now husband became a PART of.  He wasn't everything.  Love him---------  but life was good anyway.  So I didn't obsess over what he was doing and if he mistreated me--------  bye bye.  So fill up your life (glad you are in uni--------- yeah you!! And I happen to like psychology!) and become a more mature woman (again, you are still young, so that should come)-----------  if you are still having these issues down the road, then the therapist will need to seek a therapist.  Good luck!!
Avatar universal
You pretty much summed it up in a nutshell when you said this:

I rely on him to be happy and without him I will drown.


Along with the age thing, the distrust, as well as the low self image you both seem to portray with one another tells me this is not a relationship that will withstand the test of time, much less hard times. You will both go to your own respective corners when the going gets tuff. Go back and read what you wrote, it is very telling and your inner self is telling you what I just said.
Avatar universal
A woman usually grows up faster than a man, and i agree with all of the above, but have you thought that a 21 year old male is really not grown yet and has not sown his wild oats , so to speak he is just to young to know what he wants, and i agree you need to rely on yourself and not someone else move on with your life and get an education then worry about the guys  luck  jo
596241 tn?1269340536
What does sown his wild oats mean lol???

And thanks guys your are right. What I need to do is become happy with myself and realise that if we do breakup it is not the end of the world. Maybe I will get some more hobbies.
And specialmom great idea... I might start going back to church. But one thing I always, always stood by was that we had our OWN friends, I actually have alot more than my boyfriend but I feel I never let them really know me.. They see me as a funny, outgoing, strong person when inside I am really so weak :(

So basically I need to; become my own person, make my OWN happiness & life and if that fits with my partners world then it is meant to be if not... plenty of fish in the sea. I gotta stop thinking it is the end of the world if he leaves me (I know now it is my lack of confidence)

I really would like to see us last... it's not as if the flame has died out, we still find eachother sexually attractive, etc and his whole family (aside from his parents) have been highschool sweethearts and so have most of mine. I need to let go of the past anf focus on my life and if he is still there and loving me when it all comes down then it's right. If I continue what I am doing I know I will only bring us both down.

Thankyou everyone :)
Avatar universal
sowing your wild oats refer to an ole saying about young men that have not really had time to go with many women and also has not really had time to grow up, so they need to be a litle older than 21 to really know their own mind, we all know a woman is grown at a younger age and has made up her mind about what she wants a man it takes a little longer, a man needs to go out more and see the world before he settles down, by then he is old enough to know just what he wants and not what he thinks he wants  i am glad that you are getting a good education  luck  jo
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