Help! My boyfriend is a effing addict!

[Kabwita1]

Help! My boyfriend is a effing addict!, Hi my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and a few months! we moved in together on the day we met (we were talking for a few days prior). It hasnt been easy but like we promised each other from the start we making it work... well did i say it hasnt been easy! well i love him with all my heart, but he is addicted to porn. i dont know if addicted is the right word, but he watches i think everyday! i lost count,,yes i did! i dont have time to be on his phone everyday checking!. Dont get me wrong i like porn as well, but not to that extent is UNNECESARRY. We have fought a few times (alot) about it... he said /says he is sorry and he is trying to stop, but no success until now. So when i am not on my period we have sex nearly everyday, i just dont get that fool.i have tried everthing, i spice it up all the time, i suck and lick Everything!..... real talk... i realized its not about me. so i want to know what can i do?! to help this man before i leave his ***..Cause i am tired! am so tired I am so mad just righting this...i dont know what else to tell him or do. Please dont mind my english its not my 1 language.

[ZonnyC]

You can't help him with his addiction; only a therapist can and only if he wants the help.  

What can you do?  Do yourself a favor and find someone who is in a healthier place because this present bf isn't.

What you see is what you are getting, so don't expect him to change.  Desn't matter how much you are amping up the sex.

Sex addiction is not only about the sex.

[ZonnyC]

Meant Porn Addiction.

[Nighthawk61]

When an addict deals with an addiction, they first must take appropriate measures to stay away from people places and things that make "using" easy for them. For me, it meant carrying no money for a couple of years (amongst other coping tools). For you boyfriend, he is probably using his phone or computer to access the porn. One great way to help curb a porn addiction would be for him to have no wifi on his phone, and no computer access. Also, having no porn in your relationship might be a good idea. The point is that for all addiction, abstinence is usually  the key. to success.  i.e. an alcoholic cannot become sober if they are allowed to have a drink when their spouse says it's okay.  

[Nighthawk61]

Hi , i'm really sorry that you're dealing with this in your relationship. This is a sure sign of incompatibility  You have to first always try to see the bright side. If you had been dating this man for years without the benefit of cohabitating, you may not have found out about this problem for the entire length of your engagement prior to cohabitating with him. (you  could have been engaged to be married for 4 years before finding out about the problem).

When a loved one is found to have a compulsive addiction problem, one is forced to look into addiction services for that person. This is how Wiki-How describes the problem: " Helping others change a behavior can be both rewarding and very difficult. You run the risk of the person not wanting your help even though he needs it, or losing the relationship all together. If a friend or loved one’s pornography addiction absorbs excessive amounts of time, causes him to neglect his relationships, work, school and other important things in life, and he continues despite the negative consequences, then it is time to step in and help. Through using tactics to ignite action, shape new ways of thinking and foster a healthy life-balance, you can help someone manage a pornography addiction."

As an addict myself, I can tell you that often there is relapse when first trying to manage that addiction. It's not easy on anybody. It is often through the loss of relationships effected by a person's addiction, that help finally is the only thing that makes sense. As you are experiencing now, it is very painful for the person dealing with an addict, and my heart goes out to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers and i hope you know that anyone on Medhelp would be happy to talk to you personally through the private message feature found on the Profile page of the person you might consider contacting. We're here to help and we're here for the long run. Sending hugs and hope to you. Liz

[Nighthawk61]

Upon re reading... I can tell you that often there is relapse when first trying to manage that addiction - i made an error when saying "first trying"., often it takes years of denial (no attempt to change) or relapse , if and when a person is able to maintain control of their addiction.

[specialmom]

Understanding addiction would be a good place to start.  When someone is addicted to porn, it's not really all that much about sex.  It's about avoiding.  It's avoiding whatever pain they have or issue they have inside and that is the escape.  The high is in the release.  Then they feel pretty bad after.  It's a cycle and how they deal with problems.  An urge they can't control.  Because they are using it like a drug.  The high is powerful and helps overshadow what is really going on.  Most addicts do have some depression and pain.  Your boyfriend have any of that?  A therapist would be helpful to explore this with.  It's really not about you and having sex with you.  You could do it 52 times a day and if he is an addict, he'll still go back to his porn when he is feeling low or inclined to escape.  

Now, truth be told, I think it is a great risk to tie your life to an addict of anything be it substance, alcohol, porn, sex, shopping, eating, gambling,etc.  Know that often, people will switch their addiction for one thing to another if the initial thing they were using for their high is taken away.  It's a rough life.  Unless he embraces this and really deep down inside works on it, I really can't suggest you stay.  Long term, his addictive personality could be a true problem and bring you much misery.  

I'm sorry to say that.  

Try counseling for him to see if this helps at all.  good luck

[Nighthawk61]

Absolutely truisms - SM has hit the nail on the head with the above statement.

[Nighthawk61]

In rehab an Addiction's Therapist is on staff to do this work, however, as an addict having gone to rehab i can say that often this step is not always dealt with. I do believe that the step that deals with UNDERLYING ISSUES IS INDEED THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP FOR AN ADDICT.  Often this step requires that the family of addict become accountable, and that is not always forthcoming, making this step much more difficult to deal with (in other words there can be roadblocks to this step being dealt with effectively even if the addict is trying). The process can be complicated and sabotaged making the whole process more difficult.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You can either stay and continue the conflict  -  or You can decide You don't want this conflict in Your life and You can leave.  It's on Him to stop the porn - it has to be HIS wish and HIS effort.  There is nothing You can do or say to change this - only He can do that !!  Perhaps if You leave He will decide He wants You more than the porn - but be prepared that might not happen.  Yes, it is an addiction and addictions (of every sort) have destroyed relationships.  (never a good idea to move in with someone on the day You meet - it takes a long time and more than a few conversations to know one another !!)