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How Can We Deal With Emotions of Seeing Prostitutes?

Hi Everyone,

My wife has said she will allow me to have women outside the marriage.

1.  From a logistical point of view, paying for sex with escorts, prostitutes, lady of the evening, or whoever you want to call it would be the most convenient way.

In this way, I could get a woman, just for a night.

Unlike a mistress, girlfriend, or dating relationship, I would not have to worry about her trying to keep me, blackmailing me, etc.

2.  My biggest problem is emotionally.  Although I have been with 10-20 women in my life, I have never done a one night stand, if I knew I would never see the person again.

I pride myself on being a nice person with an open door policy.  Many ex-girlfriends, etc. stay with me simply because I am a nice friend, loyal.

3.  Can anyone tell me how they can sleep with a woman, knowing you will never speak with her again?

In theory, I could do that with a handshake, even a kiss.  But, not with oral or vaginal sex.  It just feels too emotionally awkward.

  
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Avatar universal
Well, am I hearing you correctly- you actually dont want to have those one night stands. So why do something you dont wish? Life is too short for that. Especially if you can avoid that. Also there is also the risk of STDs, HIV, Hepatitis B,C,D,E... And for what? For one night of pleasure? There are surely other solutions possible? Like swingers or something.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
You sound like the kind of person who is happy in a stable and emotionally connected, loving relationship, an admirable thing. Trying to adjust who you are so you can have sex with prostitutes seems like a step down on the human development scale for yourself when you have admirable values for the women you have cared about even in the past.

Is your wife simply done with sex?  Does she have medical issues? Is the marriage over except for the formalities? I would guess that what would happen if you did begin to have sex outside the marriage is that you would find someone more like a mistress for the long term than a bunch of short-term or one-night stands, and then you would become emotionally involved. It really sounds like you need a wife who is on board the same train as you, sexually speaking.
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Avatar universal
Agree with the above.  So the question is, how did this come up in the first place?  Wife isn't into sex?  Wife has medical issues?  You aren't into your wife sexually anymore?  She's cheating on you and doesn't want to stop so now you get to cheat on her too  (this might be true even if she hasn't said so).  Marriages are fragile things, all sexual relationships are, so do ponder this before doing it.  Besides the fact it seems you're not really the type to get satisfaction of any kind from casual sex, and the dangers mentioned above, my own guess is, once you have an open marriage you eventually have no marriage at all because eventually one of you find someone new and more interesting.  Something to think about, anyway.
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And just to say, prostitutes are solely a physical thing.  Most of us get as much pleasure from masturbating, as we can fantasize we're with anyone we want when we do that.  They have zero interest in you other than separating you from your money.  They also are more likely to engage in high risk sex because it pays better.  Or they are forced to do that.  
Avatar universal
Thanks, for the answers.

I will share some emotions.  I hope everyone can be considerate, since sex is such a personal thing where any behavior (virgin, promiscuous, or anything in-between) can be subject to judgement or even ridicule.

1.  I guess I am lucky to have a great wife.  She cooks, cleans, loves me so much.  She is great with managing money and thinking long-term about children, family, too.

We certainly are romantic, and say we love each other all the time, and often kiss.

2.  Ironically, our relationship just does not have much of that lust or passion.  We probably had sex only a few times in our relationship.

For other women, especially early on, I can make love with them 5-10 times a day.  

Particularly, this is a good thing, as I see both genders often be attracted to someone, like someone, even if that other person does not treat them well.  In my life, the worst friends or girlfriends  I had were the most pretty.  Although very physically attractive, and used to extra special treatment because of that, they seemed to forget the importance of being nice, humble, and caring for others.

a.  So, I married someone who was a good person, good with money, nice, and a genuinely love her.  It's just "enjoying sex" was not high on our decision list for us.  In my opinion, that is actually a very good thing, as we can all speak to divorced people who married someone partially because the other was tall, attractive, sexy, etc. but was not good in more important things that a spouse and parent need to be.

b.  Rather, I guess it just comes from a common human emotion, especially of men, to enjoy sex with many pretty women.

3.   On my own, I did like to visit Red Light districts, brothels, and even befriend some of these workers, babysit their kids, etc.  I guess it's so tempting to see an attractive woman and want sex.  The fact that an attractive Russian, Latin American, Arabian woman for 100 USD or less is enticing.  It's something different than I have at home.

For some reason, I can hang out with these women, buy them food, help their children get better educational options, etc.  Yet, I cannot "stick it in" and sleep with them, because I am afraid of STD risks, and because I don't want to be "just another customer" to them that they forget about completely as soon as I leave.

4.  On a completely different tangent, for some reason, mating habits are always deeper thing for me.  I always tried to be nice to everyone, and like friends and girlfriends who were very nice people.  It just bothered me that others don't always follow this policy.  Some pretty women even seem to think that being nice is bad, and actually want guys who are mean.  Same thing with friends.  

Again, perhaps it bothers me because I could never properly understand or relate to this behavior.

5.  Any advice?

My guess is:

a.  You have a good wife.  Keep her, enjoy her.

b.  If I am still not satisfied, it looks like finding a mistress would be safer, emotionally.  But, expectations would need to be made clear...we can have romance and sex, but I cannot leave my wife for anyone.

Many women would refuse to be in a situation for that, but some would (especially if they gain money, etc.).

Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
I guess that what you are saying is that you decided to marry someone nice that you don't find sexually appealing. And, this has (perhaps inevitably) come out in your sex life. And now, rather than divorce and look for a wife who is as nice that you do find sexually exciting, you have thought of a different idea. Which is, you want to try to find some way to have sexual adventures outside your marriage, (but not get involved emotionally, but not one-night stands because that is not emotionally satisfying and the sex would not mean much). And because she loves you, your wife has apparently accepted that if she wants to stay married and be able to have children, etc. she must agree to this.

What happens to your wife in all these scenarios? If you divorce her, is it a matter of great shame to her? (I don't know what culture you are from.) If you stay with her, and all your friends know you are sleeping with other women, will that be a shame to her?  
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Avatar universal
Hi AnnieBrooke,

1.  I welcome the discussion.  Yet, as I said in the last post, please try to be as considerate as possible in the way you say things.

Even admitting this issue is difficult for me, and would be for most people.

2.  I think most men love their wives, but still are tempted.

Granted, the statistics show that most married men and a substantial portion of married women have affairs outside their marriage.  I assume that this involves not only romantic feelings and kissing, but also sex.

3.  To be perfectly clear, I love my wife for everything she is.  

But, she explicitly said, even in our marriage contract, that I could be with other women, as long as I came back to her.

4.  Of course I care about my wife.  This is why I have not done anything despite being married for about six months.  This is why I am open to discussion.

5.  I know, many men do stay faithful for their wives for their lifetime.  If they want fantasy or enjoying sex with other women, they just enjoy themselves (masturbation).

My guess is the same would be done for women



- With longer-term mistresses, that is more of an emotional risk, since the woman has her needs, too.  She may not want to feel like "second place."
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
I was not being as judgemental as you think, more curious. I am wondering about the expectations or constraints on your wife, such that she accepted this condition of marrying you.

In the U.S., if a woman were to be offered the choice of accepting that her husband would have relations with other women or not getting to marry him, he would have to be quite a fabulous prize for the woman to say yes. (I mean, like super rich, famous or powerful, or with a glamorous life she would be able to enjoy.) In most marriages here, the expectation of fidelity is largely baked into the idea of being married (or else people just don't get married, and continue to have loving, serial relationships without marriage). Here, it would be unusual for a woman to accept such terms from just an average guy, even if he's nice to women. But apparently your culture or the bride's circumstances makes it easier for a man to request or expect this arrangement?
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3 Comments
And, I'm not being snoopy, the questions I am asking are pertinent to any advice I'd give you. If you said her dad would literally kill her if you sent her home, my answer would be different (don't send her home) than if you said she has a PhD and a fancy job and mostly just married you for a family life. (In that case, a more nuanced answer might apply.) If you said she is convinced that she is so unattractive that she will never attract another man to marry and this is her only chance to have a husband and children, my advice would be different than if you said she herself has options with other men. All you have said so far is that she has agreed to this arrangement. But does she really want it? It sounds kind of like you're trying on a fantasy (which is giving you problems too, because mistresses don't fit and prostitutes don't fit either) and she's going along with it. Why did she?
I might actually understand you more than most, as I also married a woman who isn't my type physically and also doesn't like to do the things I like most to do.  But in my case we were older, she had gotten married young but divorced, I had a lot of serious relationships that ended badly for me without me really ever being all that concerned about marriage but more about love.  But I'm in the US and you appear to be in a country with very different cultural mores and acceptance of things we wouldn't accept here.  You're right, most people do cheat on their spouses when asked in the right way, and women cheat more often, again if you have a female doing the asking in the studies.  Women also have more sexual relationships.  Which goes against somewhat what you're saying and what most people stereotypically believe.  It's a rare thing, though, for any couple to share the same level of sex drive.  It's great when it happens, but even when it does, it doesn't mean it will last a long time -- people change as they age.  It's also almost never the case that a couple shares a liking for the same kind of sexual experience.  Which means, we really don't marry for sex.  We have sex for sex.  If we allow people to have sex without religious or societal repression before they get married this can get worked out of the system and then we can marry for other reasons.  But still, do I wish I was with a woman I was more physically attracted to?  You bet.  Would cheating destroy our marriage?  If I was found out or she was found out, you bet.  So I don't.  But I'm married to a very accomplished, intelligent, and confident woman with much more money than I have.  My choice is to live this way knowing that when I was younger I had a ton of sex with prettier women and don't really have to keep doing the same things all my life.  You sound younger, though.  So yeah, I do get it.  It's a hard choice, because you already mention that you tend to get emotionally involved with women even when they're not emotionally involved with you.  I'm afraid you're just going to have to make a choice, and hope your wife is being true to her inner feelings when she said that, but if she was forced by circumstance to make that contract it might not be truly what she wants but she also may be in a culture with you where she is stuck.  Which will lead to her going through the motions.  If you're okay with that and she's stuck with that, you get to do whatever you want.  You just have to figure out what that is and whether that will make you content in the long run or mess things up in the long run and whether the long run or the moment is most important to you.  And you know, pretty women can be really nice, too.  You are right, though, they do get a lot more chances to meet people because men will approach them more often.  And women who aren't that pretty can be really mean.  Peace.
Where Pax says "If you're OK with that and she is stuck with that, you get to do whatever you want" sounds like the situation as you have described it.  

I don't know where this leaves you, though. Having available "attractive Russian, Latin American, Arabian woman, something different than I have at home" sounds great, until you get to the part where nothing about you wanting sex with a prostitute is romantic or special to her, which you need to feel in order to find sex fun. And since you are realizing there are emotional pitfalls to the route of taking a mistress (on her part and also certainly on your part, since you need an emotional connection before sex is meaningful to you), it would have to be a really unique situation for you to find a mistress who does not want much emotional connection but just enough for you to feel special. (Her motives would have to be wondered at -- they would either be love, in which case you are in a huge bind because of your marriage, or money, in which case you'd better be earning boatloads. Unless, of course, you are as handsome as
Adonis and women say yes to you for that reason alone.)

That is why I was asking what social penalties there would be if you decided you simply can't have a life with only a ho-hum sex life with your wife. Prostitutes and mistresses bring up so many possible issues that the other option would be to stop being married, let your wife have a fresh start, and for you to go on dating and seeing lots of women. You would get what you like from women, if you were to do that. But I would never recommend this if (either) your culture is so hard on women that it would harm your wife to be divorced, or she herself feels she is not able to attract anyone else ever and would be greatly distressed to be put aside by you. You thought I was asking about these things because I was being critical of you, but it was not judgement but the desire to understand if you have these ways out. If your wife can stand on her own two feet professionally and pay her own way in the world and nobody would shame her for being a divorcee, I'd offer to let her out of the marriage, if you just can't take the idea of a long life having sex with just her.
Avatar universal
@AnnieBrook and @Paxiled Thanks for the responses.

1.  My wife and I love each other.  I think she just gives me this leeway because she wants me to be happy, and still stay married to her.

She was not forced into this marriage.  Other men have wanted her before, during, and if we ever got divorced.  I think it is her being nice.

To me, it feels the same as "whether you turn out rich or mediocre, I still love you because you work hard to provide for this family" or me saying "I will love you, even if you cut your hair short or do other things that I don't find attractive in women."

2.  I guess it's hard, because I certainly feel attracted to other women.

In practical terms, I am working so much I have no time to have an affair, even if I wanted.

Although prostitutes are convenient, getting an STD that I could give to a wife makes me too anxious to relax and enjoy anonymous sex.  It seems like many people on this forum, and in general, are speaking with their anxiety when it comes to their STD scares ("I had sex with a condom, but I still think I have HIV.").

3.  Any more nuance we can add?  

It just sounds like I need to find out what my wife truly means, what she truly will allow, and act on these desires (longer-term, emotional affair, or anonymous escort sex) if necessary.

As many of you said, if I am an emotional person, and it sounds like I am, I need to realize prostitutes dehumanize and could care less about their customers emotions and keeping in touch as the client does for theirs.

Ironically, that is why I like befriending prostitutes, helping out their children, etc.  Simply, I like there to be more a relationship than each side doing a completely unemotional thing.
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2 Comments
Or, and I'm not trying to be mean here, it's because there's no emotional commitment on your part to someone who is only your employee, not your romantic interest.  Also, "if necessary."  It's not necessary.  You might want to do it, but it's not necessary.  Food, shelter and clothing are necessary.  Having sex with someone more attractive to you than your wife is a desire, not a necessity.  I don't know anyone, male or female, who is married and isn't attracted to other people.  Some act on it, some don't.  The ones who do are often later divorcees.  One has to weigh that.  The moment my wife isn't attracted to attractive men or I'm not attracted to attractive women is the moment we've lost our sex drive for each other, too.  Kind of goes together.  There's a reason your wife likes watching that actor every time she sees him on TV, friend.  As for the opposite of rich being mediocre, most rich people are the epitome of mediocre.  Mediocrity lends itself to mindless greed.  It's the truly non-mediocre who have the hardest time in life.  It's hard seeing and feeling what others don't.  Whatever you do, I hope it works out for both you and your wife.  And if it's really not meant to be, figure that out sooner rather than later because it's going to hurt.  You sound like a pretty nice and decent guy who got himself into a bit of a pickle.  Humans do that.  So I really do hope you figure it out and it works out for the best.  Peace.
I can see Pax's point when he says it's not necessary but is instead just a desire, and that a lot of the time people who give in to such desires wind up divorced. As you are finding out, human relationships are lots more complicated than "Whee, I just can have sex wherever I want."

You say "It just sounds like I need to find out what my wife truly means, what she truly will allow, and act on these desires ..." -- but why is it your wife's responsibility to make this difficult and contradictory idea work? If you are correct, she went along with the whole thing just to be nice. That's about as nice as any wife should have to be. I think that by yourself, you should figure out what exactly you were trying to get, and what exactly will satisfy it. (And, what people who matter to you will think of you if you openly have mistresses, and how they will treat your wife. And, I guess, what your future children will think of your behavior, and if they will be in a position to be embarrassed by your behavior in front of others, or angry about what it cost their mother in terms of shame.)

It sounds like you asked for this as a term of marriage because you were about to marry someone who is not exactly sexually thrilling and you do get a big zing out of feeling like beautiful, desirable women care about you and would like to be romanced by you. But now you're figuring out that with a prostitute it's just an unemotional business transaction and they couldn't care less if you are you or the next guy as long as they get paid for their time (thus, you try to make friends with them, because then you feel they at least like you). So prostitutes are out because it's not romantic in the slightest. As an alternative, you've considered finding a beautiful, desirable mistress, for the romance. But, what woman would want a love relationship with a man who is married to someone else? Maybe if he was rich or extremely handsome, or maybe if he's really really really nice and she is otherwise really unhappy, But that puts you in the spot of being in two emotional relationships, which it seems like you are trying to avoid also. And if she is otherwise unhappy, the whole situation could blow up due to her being in an unhappy relationship with someone else, and have repercussions on you and your wife.

This is why both Pax and I seem to be saying, if you can't live with your present marriage as it is, figure it out sooner rather than later. I'd add, especially sooner, because you don't have children now. There's a lot more harm you could do if you decide to leave once you have kids.  
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