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How do I deal with his bi-polar ex?
My boyfriend has a bi-polar ex-wife. They were married for less than a year, but dated on and off for many years before marriage. Her disease caused her to be a serial cheater which he cites as the main reason he couldn't make it work in the end. According to him, he never wanted to marry her in the first place but she convinced him that marriage would provide her the stability to take her meds and stay faithful and so-forth. That didn't happen and he eventually filed for divorce. When we got together he said things were over and I wouldn't have to deal with her drama. For the most part that has been true with only a few weird texts occasionally, one involving semi-nude pictures at 2:00 am while we were in bed. He and I live together and are expecting a baby in September. She started contacting him more frequently recently. He says she seems to be off her lithium. She keeps saying she's dieing and has brain tumors, diabetes, seizures she needs to go see a doctor for but has yet to. She ruined her car and seemed to think he was going to help her fix it or help her find a new one. She guilts him saying he promised to take care of her forever. She asks for favors and then cancels when she finds out I will likely be present. She tells him not to tell her mom that she's having all these mysterious medical problems despite the fact that she and her mother live together.
I have tried to encourage him to set boundaries. I tell him it's not helping her to for him to give her an audience for her drama and he needs to is more clear language about what is and isn't appropriate and healthy. He's afraid she will hurt herself or come to our house and harass me if he says anything. He cam home worried the other day because I hadn't called him and he thought she might have hurt me. I have weathered it well until now, but I'm getting really frustrated and disgusted with the whole situation. I would prefer he cut all contact with her. They have no children together or even any social or family ties.
I am trying to be kind and patient. I suggested that he tell her he can't talk to her if she doesn't take her meds and get consistent psychiatric help. Or just block her number etc if he can't bring himself to tell her that. I have never had someone close to me who was diagnosed bi-polar, but I do know that it's not healthy for him to keep enabling her behavior by not having & maintaining clear boundaries. My friend said we should not try to reason with her at all because it's fruitless and the only answer is a restraining order. I don't know what to do. My pregnancy has been otherwise pleasnt and exciting and I don't want this to bring me down. Her drama combined with the disappointment I feel with him not doing more to fix the situation is getting to me. I know it stresses him out, too, because it gets him in a bad mood when she calls or texts. When I try to talk to him about it he just tries to assure me he's not interested in her and I try to tell him that's not the problem. I trust him and know he's not interested in her. I never even suggest anything of the sort. I just don't like unnecessary drama, especially from people who don't belong in my life to begin with. We don't have the time, energy, emotional or financial resources to be helping anyone right now. She's not family. She's not a friend. I don't have to put up with this in my life. What do I do?
I have tried to encourage him to set boundaries. I tell him it's not helping her to for him to give her an audience for her drama and he needs to is more clear language about what is and isn't appropriate and healthy. He's afraid she will hurt herself or come to our house and harass me if he says anything. He cam home worried the other day because I hadn't called him and he thought she might have hurt me. I have weathered it well until now, but I'm getting really frustrated and disgusted with the whole situation. I would prefer he cut all contact with her. They have no children together or even any social or family ties.
I am trying to be kind and patient. I suggested that he tell her he can't talk to her if she doesn't take her meds and get consistent psychiatric help. Or just block her number etc if he can't bring himself to tell her that. I have never had someone close to me who was diagnosed bi-polar, but I do know that it's not healthy for him to keep enabling her behavior by not having & maintaining clear boundaries. My friend said we should not try to reason with her at all because it's fruitless and the only answer is a restraining order. I don't know what to do. My pregnancy has been otherwise pleasnt and exciting and I don't want this to bring me down. Her drama combined with the disappointment I feel with him not doing more to fix the situation is getting to me. I know it stresses him out, too, because it gets him in a bad mood when she calls or texts. When I try to talk to him about it he just tries to assure me he's not interested in her and I try to tell him that's not the problem. I trust him and know he's not interested in her. I never even suggest anything of the sort. I just don't like unnecessary drama, especially from people who don't belong in my life to begin with. We don't have the time, energy, emotional or financial resources to be helping anyone right now. She's not family. She's not a friend. I don't have to put up with this in my life. What do I do?
I too think that he should see a counselor, if he turns it back on you for any reason as to your being unreasonable, then you should set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. As this is the only major problem that you two are having, and yes, it is major, then be calm (knowing that you are on the right track) just give him the opportunity to have a counselor suggest that he needs to cut ties. No muss no fuss. Try to loving and be understanding. I know how hard it is to have to deal with an x spouse that can (and did) do harm to themselves. Of course he is upset by it all. The time that you've been dealing with this without the aid of a therapist is in the past. Going forward you should be able to expect change on his part pretty quickly, so fear not. This will end, and he will thank you for your love and understanding. This will bring you closer, if you allow it to. Please do keep us informed. God Speed.
He got involved with someone who wasn't mentally stable and then you chose someone who was still involved with someone who is mentally unstable................this needs to be sorted with a professional for the sake of your unborn child ASAP. This doesn't sound like an ideal environment for a child. Not only can she harm you and him, but also your child. Is anyone thinking about that?
"That seems like the only course of action. Really, there's not much I can do. I'm not going to leave him. This is the only thing in our relationship that isn't going great. That's why I was able to let it go so long, but I'm wishing had been more demanding and assertive sooner because it's all getting out of hand. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your help."..............The situation has ALWAYS been out of hand; you are just now paying attention.
If she hurts herself it isn't his fault............it is the mental illness. It is apparent he can't understand that or see this, thus I think he as well needs to seek professional help.
He got involved with someone
If she hurts herself it isn't his fault............it is the mental illness. It is apparent he can't understand that or see this, thus I think he as well needs to seek professional help.
He got involved with someone
Would your bf be willing to go to therapy? I would insist he do this.
He sounds extremely codependent with this ex. He needs help as well. No one in their right mind would be holding onto this. It is as if she is some project he is working on and he needs to fix her.
This may be the ONLY problem you two have, but it is a MAJOR one. Besides, it only takes the right problem to ruin a relationship. It is not per se the number of problems, but the TYPES of problems.
He sounds extremely codependent with this ex. He needs help as well. No one in their right mind would be holding onto this. It is as if she is some project he is working on and he needs to fix her.
This may be the ONLY problem you two have, but it is a MAJOR one. Besides, it only takes the right problem to ruin a relationship. It is not per se the number of problems, but the TYPES of problems.
I think this is much more complicated than you recognize.
He knew going into the marriage, exactly what she was like off her lithium, and that she is a danger to herself and unstable. And yet, of all the people in the world, he picked her as his partner. Her.
Who knows why, and maybe he himself doesn't know why he stood up in public and (as she says) promised to take care of her forever. He did that, knowing exactly what she was like.
I don't think you're going to be able to solve this in a rational way the way you get rid of a pesky unwanted fly.
She's not unwanted. She was very very much wanted - so much so he married her.
So that's what there is to work through. Your husband was once extremely attracted to, and dedicated to, a women he knew was bipolar and ha suicidal ideations. And now, he can't bring himself to tell her not to contact him.
He knew going into the marriage, exactly what she was like off her lithium, and that she is a danger to herself and unstable. And yet, of all the people in the world, he picked her as his partner. Her.
Who knows why, and maybe he himself doesn't know why he stood up in public and (as she says) promised to take care of her forever. He did that, knowing exactly what she was like.
I don't think you're going to be able to solve this in a rational way the way you get rid of a pesky unwanted fly.
She's not unwanted. She was very very much wanted - so much so he married her.
So that's what there is to work through. Your husband was once extremely attracted to, and dedicated to, a women he knew was bipolar and ha suicidal ideations. And now, he can't bring himself to tell her not to contact him.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sweetie, I'd have him contact her family ONE time and tell them that he is now out. He can not be back and forth with them. He is having a child with you. Her issues are not his responsibility. He needs to be free of that burden and I'd demand that. You can not have him so involved with her and talking to his ex in laws and feel like he values your marriage as he should. He needs to be free of this. And you need to really make that a requirement.
I think you are on the right track but I sense you are afraid of resistance. That is what worries me, that he is attached to this drama/situation and won't let it go.
Please ask him to be done, completely. One last call to her family to say this is what is going on with her and I'm now out. I'm with someone else, we're having a child and I can't be involved in her situation any more.
Then hopefully it should be done.
Tell him that if she hurts herself, that is her situation and not his. He should not be that important to her that cutting off contact would result in her doing self harm. In fact, even if he were still her husband, he should not be put in that position. People don't commit suicide because of another person--- they do it because of their OWN mental health issues. We are not responsible for keeping another person from hurting themselves. THEY have that responsibility.
I feel that your husband has some issues himself with letting go. He's too involved and cares too much. That would be hard for me to live with hon.
Again, I think you are doing great and have a good plan in place. I wish you the best of luck implementing the plan and let us know how it goes.
Who knows, maybe it will be a relief to finally free himself from the chains she has on him. peace
I think you are on the right track but I sense you are afraid of resistance. That is what worries me, that he is attached to this drama/situation and won't let it go.
Please ask him to be done, completely. One last call to her family to say this is what is going on with her and I'm now out. I'm with someone else, we're having a child and I can't be involved in her situation any more.
Then hopefully it should be done.
Tell him that if she hurts herself, that is her situation and not his. He should not be that important to her that cutting off contact would result in her doing self harm. In fact, even if he were still her husband, he should not be put in that position. People don't commit suicide because of another person--- they do it because of their OWN mental health issues. We are not responsible for keeping another person from hurting themselves. THEY have that responsibility.
I feel that your husband has some issues himself with letting go. He's too involved and cares too much. That would be hard for me to live with hon.
Again, I think you are doing great and have a good plan in place. I wish you the best of luck implementing the plan and let us know how it goes.
Who knows, maybe it will be a relief to finally free himself from the chains she has on him. peace
He says he's scared she'll hurt herself. He doesn't initiate contact with her, but he is also way too accepting of the things she says when she contacts him. I try to tell him he doesn't have be cruel to her, but he doesn't have to act like anything she says is reasonable or normal. Rather than shut her down and say "I can't help you, sounds like you need to see your doctor." and then ignore her, he lets her talk and send text after text. When he responds he says things that inadvertently validate the delusions rather than imply that it's not acceptable or reasonable. He's afraid that if he's more firm she'll go over the edge and do something bad and it's his fault. I know he has to get over that, but it seems the only way he can make what she does not feel like his fault is to not give her audience to begin with.
Thank you.
I think the crux of the problem is that she has made him feel responsible for her emotions. One time before they were married she went off her lithium and hurt herself. She blamed him and I don't think he ever worked through it or accepted that he isn't responsible for her behavior ESPECIALLY when she is off her meds. I try to explain this to him, and I'm sure he knows it already, but it doesn't change things in the end.
When I talk about cutting ties it goes back to him worrying she will hurt herself or lash out at us. He's even talked about moving away as a solution. That is no solution! I am going to try and talk about it with him again tonight & outline my expectations for what he needs to do. I feel like I have been clear about it, but maybe if I get really clear that very definite things NEED to happen. Based on what you said I'm going to say...
A) Work on accepting that the only people that can help her are her doctors and her family. We can go to counseling if he still hasn't processed their breakup enough to move forward 100% and focus on his own life.
B) He should no longer have contact with her for her healing and his. Tell her that plainly and as kindly as possible. Tell her he will initially trust her to respect boundaries. If she breaks that trust and tries to make contact by text, phone call, Facebook, or email he'll block her number, etc. If she tries to make contact with us in person we will request she leaves and be forced to file a restraining order.
C) If he is worried about her physical and mental health he can’t keep secrets from the people that could help her. If he's really worried he should contact her family members and relay what she has told him as well as the fact that they have been in contact with one another up until this point but are cutting all ties for her health and his future. That way they can support her & know what is going on.
That seems like the only course of action. Really, there's not much I can do. I'm not going to leave him. This is the only thing in our relationship that isn't going great. That's why I was able to let it go so long, but I'm wishing had been more demanding and assertive sooner because it's all getting out of hand. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your help.
I think the crux of the problem is that she has made him feel responsible for her emotions. One time before they were married she went off her lithium and hurt herself. She blamed him and I don't think he ever worked through it or accepted that he isn't responsible for her behavior ESPECIALLY when she is off her meds. I try to explain this to him, and I'm sure he knows it already, but it doesn't change things in the end.
When I talk about cutting ties it goes back to him worrying she will hurt herself or lash out at us. He's even talked about moving away as a solution. That is no solution! I am going to try and talk about it with him again tonight & outline my expectations for what he needs to do. I feel like I have been clear about it, but maybe if I get really clear that very definite things NEED to happen. Based on what you said I'm going to say...
A) Work on accepting that the only people that can help her are her doctors and her family. We can go to counseling if he still hasn't processed their breakup enough to move forward 100% and focus on his own life.
B) He should no longer have contact with her for her healing and his. Tell her that plainly and as kindly as possible. Tell her he will initially trust her to respect boundaries. If she breaks that trust and tries to make contact by text, phone call, Facebook, or email he'll block her number, etc. If she tries to make contact with us in person we will request she leaves and be forced to file a restraining order.
C) If he is worried about her physical and mental health he can’t keep secrets from the people that could help her. If he's really worried he should contact her family members and relay what she has told him as well as the fact that they have been in contact with one another up until this point but are cutting all ties for her health and his future. That way they can support her & know what is going on.
That seems like the only course of action. Really, there's not much I can do. I'm not going to leave him. This is the only thing in our relationship that isn't going great. That's why I was able to let it go so long, but I'm wishing had been more demanding and assertive sooner because it's all getting out of hand. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your help.
It sounds like you answered your own question, Dear. A restraining order is an excellent idea. I have known bipolar people, and they can go from being sweet as pie to the spawn of satan in a heartbeat. She MIGHT attempt to harm you - that part is real. I am quite amazed that the two of you have spent so much time playing foo-foo with her. She is not the responsibility of either one of you. You have a BABY on the way, and should be happily getting the nursery ready, not wondering if she will run her car into the side of your house in a manic rage (this happened to me once - I do not recommend it). In this case, reasoning will not work. You both must cut ties with this potentially dangerous person.
DITTO Tink and SM.
Are you sure he doesn't like her needing him? He sure is finding excuses not to end things permanently with her OR does he feel guilty about not being able to help her manage this mental illness of hers?
Restraining order PRONTO!
Are you sure he doesn't like her needing him? He sure is finding excuses not to end things permanently with her OR does he feel guilty about not being able to help her manage this mental illness of hers?
Restraining order PRONTO!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. wow, sounds VERY frustrating. I do agree with above that if he has left the relationship, then he shouldn't be having this contact with her and it is on him to stop it. He needs to cut the ties. They don't have kids and therefore, there is no reason for him to have any involvement at all (yes AT ALL) with her. She is inappropriate whether it is due to mental illness or not. He needs to tell her that he really doesn't want to be in contact with her anymore and then begin blocking her. Bock her number from his cell phone, social media, etc. And if she, at that point, continues to pursue contact, a restraining order. It really is that simple.
If he is too attached to her and her drama to do that, you have a significant problem.
Let me know what you think.
good luck
If he is too attached to her and her drama to do that, you have a significant problem.
Let me know what you think.
good luck
I think YOUR problem is with Him - She's HIS problem (not yours).
It sounds as though You have given Him convincing reasons for why He should not 'enable' Her but He continues to do so anyway. Repeat YOUR problem is Him, not Her.
GoodLuck
It sounds as though You have given Him convincing reasons for why He should not 'enable' Her but He continues to do so anyway. Repeat YOUR problem is Him, not Her.
GoodLuck
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