My boyfriend is feeling like I am not attracted to him

[BCD_sjp]

Hi all. I need some help. I am a 29 ywar old female, boyfriend a year older. We both work in the medical field. So basically my issue is that lately (last 6 months) my boyfriend of 3 years has been feeling like I am not attracted to him anymore.

I have been having a very difficult time lately: very sick pets, multiple sick family members, financial worries, issues with my post grad masters, stressful job (I'm a doctor), anxiety and my self confidence is not ideal either so that impacts on how often and how I initiate intimate times. I was also on the pill (stopped about a week ago)  which resulted in dryness. Now, my situation is improving (pets no longer sick, family members stabilising...so to speak, masters at the very end of it, financial worries still present but considering I have a stable job, I know it's going to be; fixed an appointment to start therapy for anxiety). He has been a wonderfully supportive person throughout all of this. We also have been living together for about 2 years and a half.

I love my boyfriend.... dearly. I adore him. And I do find him attractive (my attraction towards him increases as more time goes by). I have no idea what I did in life to deserve such a wonderful person like him and I really do not want to lose him. Making him feel like I am uninterested in him is the last thing I want to do as this cannot be further from the truth. So the fact that I was not able to convey this to him and that he was feeling unwanted/unloved just breaks my heart.

Is it possible to ask for some ideas on how I can spice it up a bit and help him see just how deeply my feelings are for him? Just some ideas so I can get my brain going.

[AnnieBrooke]

Is he comparing things to the way they were when you two first met? Because the high, bubbly stage of infatuation doesn't stick around; long term, what lasts is more of a warmer, calmer love. Maybe he's one of those guys who always chases the high in romance, and hasn't had many relationships that last longer than a couple of years? Or, maybe he's feeling the loss of the infatuation stage and thinks it's all lost?

Anyway, it's wonderful that he has been so supportive during a rough road for you. Talk to him about what you want with him in the long term. That might help you both get your eyes back on the prize.

[auntiejessi]

Okay, this is a really good point - what is he expecting? What has changed for him? What does he need vs what is actually happening?

[AnnieBrooke]

Also, I've gotta say, as Jessi asked in her first question, if you really aren't in any way feeling sexy (and stress can sure erase the impulse entirely), don't feel like the only way to prove to your boyfriend that he is attractive to you is to make a sexual move his direction. He'll realize you're just doing it because he complained, and will not feel as good about it (though doubtless he wouldn't turn you down. lol) Talking about the long-term future you would like to have with him in glowing terms can make you both feel closer and more connected even if you're not prancing about in the hot lingerie.

[BCD_sjp]

I see, both of you have been very helpful to me. Thank you. I truly appreciate. <3

[auntiejessi]

My first question is are you in a place where you are feeling sexy? Like you want to do all this?

You've been through a lot, and are just now coming up for air. I don't know how spicy you are thinking, but your mental health is really important, so don't push yourself.

Why not start by just trying to show more affection? If that's something that you enjoy, do more of that. Hug him, kiss him, tell him you love him and appreciate him.

Initiate sex. I don't think you need to go all out with sexy lingerie and toys and whatnot, especially at first because that could seem forced, but just start kissing him one night - or day, however it moves you - and go from there.

Dryness is a real thing. Lube is your friend. It doesn't mean you aren't aroused by your partner, and that may be something you have to explain to him. It will happen again at some point in your life - medications, birth control, hormones, stress, age, etc., all play a role and have nothing to do with how hot you think your partner is.

If you are going to be using condoms now, make sure the lube is water based, and get one for sensitive skin. It doesn't matter if you think you have sensitive skin or not - they are usually just made with better things for women's bodies and avoid harmful things like parabens and glycerin, etc.

Here's one list, but there are many - google "best water based lubes for sensitive skin".

https://www.prevention.com/sex/g32865699/best-water-based-lubricant/

If you aren't going to be using condoms, you can try other types -

https://www.wellandgood.com/best-lubes-for-sensitive-skin/

Therapy is a great thing, but can be really tough, too. I'm glad your partner is supportive.