My background: 31 years old. Married for 5 years. No kids. My wife lives in Canada due to her job, I live in Australia.
I married my then girlfriend and now wife in 2014. He had dated for 2 years before that. She’s a really good wife, very supportive and practical. And we were friends before we decided to get married.
Now this is where complications emerge.
When she was a child, she used to be sexually abused by her neighbor. She never told this to anyone. Not even her parents. She decided to confide in me (before marriage) and I have never told anyone about it. She has tried to live a normal life despite this trauma. And I commend her for that.
But this has had a psychological impact on her. She while we do make out regularly, we never have penetrative sex. Somehow, she tightens up whenever I try. I first brought this up in 2015 when I told her that we don’t have sex and I’m not happy with it. She told me she’ll try but nothing improved. In 2017, I moved to South Africa for work. So my contact with my wife was only via phone. I did visit her during holidays, but no sex. And even physical intimacy decreased. So much so that I stopped keeping condoms in the house (no point). Then earlier this year, a female colleague of mine and I had to go on a business trip for a couple of weeks. A bit more about my colleague - she is 34, married for 7 years. Has a daughter.
So it was my colleague and I on the business trip and we stayed at the same hotel. On the 6th night, we got a bit drunk and we got physically intimate and ended up having sex. A part of me was reluctant to go ahead with it, but I guess the other part won. It was beautiful. It was my first time that I had good sex. And for the remaining days, we had sex a few more times. But I had always known that this was only for the time we were on the trip.
She told me that she isn’t totally happy in her marriage as well. She also told me that she and her husband sleep in different rooms (I guess no marriage is perfect). I’ve met her husband once, seems like a decent guy.
Anyway, we returned and I realised that she was looking for a future with me. I explained to her several times how that intimacy could only last for the trip. We both are married and she has a daughter. And we belong to different countries. I cannot leave my wife for no fault of hers. I cannot marry this friend coz if I do, my parents may also abandon me for being a cheater. And she understood it all. And came to terms with the fact that we cannot be together. She told me that she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.
The truth is that even I don’t want to lose her as a friend. I feel so happy when we talk on phone and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to lose touch with her.
My marriage is still sexless and has become quite mechanical. My wife and I continue to be in different countries.
Please tell me what to do, as I don't want to leave my wife but I don’t want a sexless marriage. And I don't want to lose touch with this friend. She’s amazing and sometimes I feel I am in love with her too.
Guilt is something I will have to live with, I guess. I’m not a bad guy, but I guess I made a mistake, or maybe I didn’t. I’m totally confused about how to lead my life from here on. Please help me.