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8537342 tn?1403341983

How much is too much? Emotional Abuse

PLEASE HELP?!?!?!?!?!
So I've been with my partner for nearly 5 months and we're expecting a baby, He works on and off and cant keep his hands out of our baby's saving money...
I'll try to keep this simple, he has a lot of controlling issues, especially trust because of his past. We don't live together and he wakes up often in the night and sees I'm up late online, mostly watching movies, this isnt the first time it's happened and tonight he spoke his mind like he does regularly, he exploded a little actually, said I'm lazy and sleep all day when I work from home my own hours, said he's sick of me doing nothing all the time. I told him I'm earning more than him and usually keep facebook open so I can see if he wakes up late at night which he didnt believe.. Accuses me of talking to all these people even though I send him screenshots and it's only my big brother talking to me, then to top it off he tells me to shut the f**k up and calls me a stupid b***h saying he hates me.. And this happens EVERY TIME we're away from each other..
Even when we're together he gets frustrated at me because I get morning sickness awfully and it's "all my fault" i'm not helping myself when Im laying in bed throwing up every 10 minutes.

Dont get me wrong he's an absolute sweetheart, massaging my feet, buying me what I crave and flowers, cleaning up without a word so I dont have to.. telling me he adores me and wants nothing more than me and the family we're going to be

Anyway, tonight specifically I changed my relationship status and told him words cant change anything this time I want to see improvement. I want HIM to figure out that money has to start staying in our baby's bank, that he has to stop saying he hates me and start putting in an effort without being told so that we have a future together, find a real job, accept me for who I am, make an effort for the baby that's due in just 4 months...

My question is.. Should I keep waiting for him or is he a lost cause because of how much it's happened? I dont even cry over it anymore I'm so used to all the bull.. I dont want my baby without his/her daddy and I dont want a split custody argument I want us to be a family

PLEASE HELP?!?!?!?!?!
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480448 tn?1426948538
I couldn't agree more with Londres's post above!

"It gets through to him he stops for a little while until he thinks I've done something he considers to be unfaithful like talk to people til all hours of the morning. He really turns his act around, but only how he treats me, which after the latest fight I've said other things have to change too or I'm walking and he'll be owing money to the baby seeing him on weekends with no one to love him"

This is really alarming, hon.  This is the textbook cycle of abuse.  They act poorly, then are "sorry", gift giving, crying, apologizing, and promising to NEVER do it again (until they do).

PLEASE confide in your parents as to what's going on.  You need to focus on YOU and the baby, not an ADULT man who found it acceptable to have unprotected sex with a minor.  That's predator behavior, and it's very worrisome.  If you were my daughter, I wouldn't be welcoming this man with open arms, but rather would be filing charges against him.

I'm sorry sweetie, but there is NOTHING that sounds promising here.  Bless you for trying so hard to make it work, but I would really encourage you to put that effort and energy into school, and preparing for the HUGE change that will come with the baby.

Take care.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well......any 25 year old MAN preying on a 16 year old girl is up to no good.  He is supposed to be the adult here and he is acting like an out of control child.  Then you are trying to be the adult here when in fact you should be enjoying your youth because indeed you are still a child.

I say cut him out of your life and move on with the support of your family.  
The kind of help he needs you can't give him.  Furthermore, he has to want to change.  

"which after the latest fight I've said other things have to change too or I'm walking and he'll be owing money to the baby seeing him on weekends with no one to love him"........I hope you do mean what you say and you aren't saying this to "scare him" into change.  Empty threats don't work.  I am not sure why the "no one to love him" part was thrown in because that wasn't really necessary.  I wouldn't be saying things to hurt him rather saying things to him that are setting boundaries with him.  I really can't expect you to know that because you are still so young.

Honey, you found him no good and what you see is what you get.  He is no project to work on, meaning it isn't your responsibility to scare him into being a productive, decent, mature adult.  It is HIS responsibility.  You will find your tactics will not work/prove unsuccessful in the long term.

You can't just think about yourself.....you need to think about this unborn child's needs and one of them isn't being exposed to abuse, fighting and a reckless, irresponsible, immature "so-called" dad.

Wake up before it's too late.  

All the best.
Helpful - 0
8537342 tn?1403341983
He's..well..25, it was all well and great in the beginning, we were stupid and having fun and going behind everyone's backs, there was adventure in our relationship, we were always happy and value every moment of time together not sure how long until someone found out about us and pulled us apart...

when my parents found out I was/am pregnant, they opened up to my idea of wanting to do this as a family, they accepted him quite happily, set him up with work, let us spend weeks together not just weekends we lied about, and they got to know him, they really like him..

Through all the good when he does treat me badly it's always guilt, I always feel awful and want to please him though I put my foot down he never breaks through, I make him know he's done wrong and he comes sooking back to me, I guess I think I can scare him into respecting me by making him face facts that he will NOT be apart of this ffamily if he's abusive and our child will not be happy because of him...
It gets through to him he stops for a little while until he thinks I've done something he considers to be unfaithful like talk to people til all hours of the morning. He really turns his act around, but only how he treats me, which after the latest fight I've said other things have to change too or I'm walking and he'll be owing money to the baby seeing him on weekends with no one to love him
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am so sorry you are in this situation.  This is not what 16 year old girls are supposed to be dealing with.  This is BIG stuff.  

Please don't move in with him.  It's just a bad situation.  It won't get better . . .   I can almost promise you it will get much worse.  

All the ladies here have given you good advice.  I know it is hard but I just hate to see you place yourself on this course for your life.  You deserve better!  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
LMTB........Heed to what Tink has said.  She has "been there done that."  

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"he's quite a bit older".......How much older is he?

Hon......this will not get any better if you decide to live with him.  Don't do it.  You are looking at one aspect of the situation, e.g. the bills.  What about the abuse?  I am sure it will escalate if you move in with him.  You've just spent a week with him and things were "tense."  That's proof enough that you should NOT move in this guy.  

Try to get financial support from your family or elsewhere.  Don't use financial reasons to justify moving  in with this guy.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
OMGolly LittleMumToBe, I did not realize You are SO young!!

and what do You mean "he's quite a bit older"?  How much older is "quite a bit"?
AND
His behavior is NOT about maturity or lack of maturity - it is abusive, simple and plain.

It is not "wrong" to think things will get better when You live together" but it most certainly is unrealistic.  Things won't 'get better' - it's as good as it's going to get right now.  You are pregnant with His Child - He should revere You and His Child, NOT be abusive.  This is only a prelude to how He will treat You later.  This I know is true.  

If 'things' get tense now when You spend only a week together, how do You think He will hold up in the long run?......when You and Baby are tired and cranky?...... when You are tired because Baby kept You up all night?.....when Baby won't stop crying?....when Baby interrupts HIS sleep??...etc., etc., etc.

You should stay home with Mom and Dad and, together with them, create a happy and peaceful environment for You and Baby.  I agree with the others that You should finish school and focus on providing a good life for You and Your Baby.  

I Wish You Luck

Helpful - 0
8537342 tn?1403341983
I am 16, that's right, he's quite a bit older and supposedly so much more mature, I'm not going to try to make him sound like a saint now, but he did get a job as soon as we found out I was pregnant though a sh_tty one where he got messed around a lot, I'm studying youth work part time and working $15 an hour from home through a family business which he's been offered a job in, earning a lot more hopefully.

Is it wrong for me to think things will get better when we live together? things will be cheaper sharing a house not separate bills and rent and food, but even now we spend a week together and that's when things get tense because I get sick
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Avatar universal
The OP is only 16.
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Avatar universal
Did I read your age correct?  16?  Is that right?  How old is the bf?
Oh my.........this situation is all wrong.  

Do you realize he is abusing you?  Maybe you don't because you are so young.

Where are your parents?  Are you living with them?  Where are his parents?  Is he living with them?

"Dont get me wrong he's an absolute sweetheart, massaging my feet, buying me what I crave and flowers, cleaning up without a word so I dont have to.. telling me he adores me and wants nothing more than me and the family we're going to be."..........Is that all he is doing for you?  You can really do those things for yourself.  Is that supposed to negate all the verbal abuse; make the verbal abuse ok?  Then, he is stealing money out of your unborn child's savings.  I mean.....really?  How low

"I want HIM to figure out that money has to start staying in our baby's bank, that he has to stop saying he hates me and start putting in an effort without being told so that we have a future together, find a real job, accept me for who I am, make an effort for the baby that's due in just 4 months...".......Well, first he has to mature as I am guessing he is super young too.  Plus, he has to WANT to change.  You wanting him to change means nothing.  

Get rid of him, turn to your family for support and work on providing a drama-free, healthy environment for your unborn child to live in.  Finish school and focus on your goals to make your life and your baby's life better. A baby doesn't need a household filled with drama and abuse.



Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Oh my, dear, you're SO young, and even in an adult relationship, 5 months is NOTHING in regards to getting to know someone to determine if a long term relationship will work.  How old is he?

You say you're at home all day, working from home, do you not go to school?  What work are you doing from home?

You also contradict yourself quite a bit.  The first part of your post described a not so nice person, actually borderline abusive, IMO, but then you say this...

"Dont get me wrong he's an absolute sweetheart, massaging my feet, buying me what I crave and flowers, cleaning up without a word so I dont have to.. telling me he adores me and wants nothing more than me and the family we're going to be".

I'm sorry, but the first description you gave brings a lot of words to mind, none of them being "sweetheart".  Sounds to me like he behaves badly, and then tries to make it right by buying you flowers and telling you what you want to hear.  That's VERY much the cycle of what an abusive partner would do.

You're SO young, and now you're going to be bringing a baby into the world.  My advice to you is to focus on doing whatever you need to do to continue working on your education so you can give yourself and the baby the best chance at a good life.  I wouldn't put too much energy into the "relationship" you have with the baby's father, if you could even call it that.  

I wish you the very best.  It's going to be a tough road for you.  I hope you can stay focused on what's important, not only for NOW, but most importantly, for the future.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This is the man You picked to be the Father of Your Baby so, as far as that goes, You will be 'involved' with this man for the rest of Your Childs life
but
personally I would not live with and certainly would not marry a man who

tells me
"to shut the f_ck up"

calls me
"a stupid b_tch"

and says He
"hates" me

That's MORE than a Red Flag
those are Deal Breakers !!

(how old are You?)





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