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902589 tn?1268148853

How to advise my friend

Ok today my best friend came to me and wanted my advice on something. Apparently she was on her facebook page and looking over her profile and her husband(who is of course on her friends list) had I guess commented on one of his old co-workers status(if you don't know what that is, it's basically just a general update on what you've got going on that day). She's met the girl a couple times, so she decided to just check out her page to see how she's been and everything. Well the status her husband had commented on was that this girl was going to the gym to start working out. Now the advise my friend wants me to give her regards the comment her husband gave to the fact that his old co worker was going to the gym. His response to her(the ex co-worker) going to the gym was this "Hope everything goes well at the gym. Just make sure you don't lose that junk in your trunk!"

Now my friend is thinking that he had a relationship(meaning sexual) with her in the past, or that he almost had a relationship with her. I guess he used to bring her up a lot when they were working together. She's really obsessing about this. She wrote me in an email asking what i though about it and I don't really know. I mean yes that comment is a completely inappropriate one to make to a past co-worker, and as a married man I think it is even more inappropriate. But i don't think it's any cause for her to think he had a relationship with this woman.

I don't know she is obsessing about it, and she's not feeling too good about herself these days as she recently had twins 4 months ago, so maybe her self esteem is just crazy right now.

But i figured I'd get some more opinions for her, because I don't want to advise her wrongly. So what do you think about his comment? If you're husband made a comment like that to an ex co worker of the opposite sex what would you think or do?
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Avatar universal
I completely agree with you that his comment as a married man was completely inappropriate, so her anger, suspicion and jelousy is justifiable, but I agree that she might be over reacting.  Jelousy and obsessive behavior is poison and distructive to a marriage. She should confront her husband on her finding and ask for an explanation and inform him on how uncomfortable and inappropriate his comment was as a married man! She has the right to ask him for an explanation and what is going on.

She should just assume and make herself crazy over thinking, she should communicate with him, confront him and discuss how the posting made her feel and question what is going on. She should give him he benefit of the doubt then proceed with action after the facts. If my husband made that comment, I would confront immediately and demand an explanation and ask what the hell is going on.

Hope that helps sweetie...Judy
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Avatar universal
opsss, me and my typos, I meant, "She shouldn't just assume".
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145992 tn?1341345074
Yeah, it's a very inappropriate comment and I frankly wouldn't appreciate my partner writing that to any female.  I think he was just trying to be funny though.  If I were her I would confront him about it.  I don't think that there was anything going on between the two of them and I don't think she needs to worry about that but she should let him know that it was unacceptable for him to speak to her in that manner and she wouldn't appreciate that being done with anyone else in the future.  People say dumb things sometimes without even thinking.

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902589 tn?1268148853
That's basically what I was thinking, until i talked to her this morning. I just got off a LONG phone with her a couple minutes ago, and she talked to her husband last night, and he said it was just a joke and that she was making a big deal out of nothing.  Well i guess she told him that she didn't think it was appropriate for him to say that to another woman, and that she didn't think it was funny at all and that she didn't feel comfortable with him saying stuff like this to other women. Well he went off and basically told her, that she can't tell him who to talk to and how to talk to people and if he wants to jokingly tell someone not to lose her junk in the trunk he will. They got into a huge fight, that went into all the other things she thinks he does that makes her feel like "he settled for me, I'm not good enough for him apparently"(her words) I guess he makes comments occasionally about other women he'll see and say things like"oh why can't my wife look like that" or "wish my wife had her body" stuff like that.

Well she got into all this with him, about how it makes her feel like she's not good enough when he does this and that she feels like ****(which i don't blame her, I might smack my husband if he said **** like that to me!) So anyway she asks him to stop saying things like that because her self esteem is already low(hello she JUST had twins!!) and that **** doesn't make ehr feel very good about herself. Ya he basically told her that it's not his problem she doesn't have any self esteem, and he's sick of trying to solve everyone's problems and she needs to grow up and get over it.

Now I am so upset for her! This is her husband, he should care how she feels and he should want to help her be happy and feel good about herself. I just want to beat the sh*t outta him! If they lived around here I would be over there in a heartbeat but unfortunately she's in Ohio and I'm in Florida! I was just so shocked by all this that I had no idea what to say. the only thing I could think of to say at the time was a jokingly  "well did you knock some sense into him?" How selfish can this man be?? Sorry I'm just so hurt for my friend and I don't know how to help her! I told her she should try talking to him again when they're both calm, but she just told me that she has tried talking about all this before and he just blows it off because "it's not his problem, it's mine apparently"(her words about how he reacts to all this)

I told her maybe they should consider counseling, but they're low on money so that's not an option for them right now. I'm just so shocked about all this. They always seemed like such a great couple! They were always lovey and nice with each other and now this, I guess it was all a front or something since she said they've always had these kind of problems and they both just ignore them most of the time. What can i do? I am just at a loss as to how to help her with this! i know i can't fix it, but I want to at least make her feel better, I mean she is a very pretty girl, she was always the gorgeous one in our little group, that all the guys flocked to and to here all the things she says about herself and how she doesn't feel good enough is just hurting me because she is such a great woman! She has always been a great friend, she's always there if you need her, whatever it is and now she's going through this hard time and I have no idea as to what to do!
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Yikes, this is a whole other story from just that comment.  I would be upset as well if my fiance pointed out other women to me and then made comments about how I looked in comparison to them.  That's disgusting.  She should turn around and say, "damn that guy looks good, I wish you had his a$$ or I bet he's got a bigger d!ck than you."  See how he likes it.  Sorry, I'm just appalled at her husband for his comments.  My best friend also seemed like she had the perfect marriage until one day she told me all about how verbally and emotionally abusive he was, they are on their way to a divorce after 14 years of marriage.  No one has a perfect relationship.  They don't exist...lol.  I think her husband said a lot of this during the heat of the argument but they need to cool off.  When they do, they need to calmly discuss the issues in their relationship.  Do they have insurance?   Because they could see a counselor off the insurance plan and they would only have to pay the co-pay.  I think they have some communication issues and a lack of respect.  He needs to listen to her feelings and respect her.  If he's not able to do this than they will end up in a much worse place.  Try to push the counselor thing again with your friend.  They have such new babies that I would hate for their family to be torn apart by this.
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Avatar universal
Wow, as mami said, "this is a whole other story" and that was a tasteless joke and he is being very mean and cruel to her. If they can't afford a marriage counselor, maybe they might want to set an appointment with a priest who can help greatly. It's amazing how you never know from the outside what is going on in the inside of a family. I think he is comfortable with his marriage to the point where he will say whatever he wants and that's not ok if it will effect and hurt her. All you can do is listen, support and continue to be a good friend. Reassure her that you are there for her.
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902589 tn?1268148853
I know it is just appalling to me how he is acting. Of course i don't think it's only him, she's partly to blame for putting up with that ****! But i wrote her an email(she's at work) asking her about maybe a priest or checking with her insurance about the counseling. And just told her that i'm here for her if she wants to talk more. i just feel so bad since i can't be there in person, she's like a sister to me and I hate that she's feeling like this! Seems i care more than her husband the b*stard! OOOH i just wanna b*tch him out lol
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Avatar universal
I would give no advice it may backfire, but i would let her know that i cared, and that you are there for her if she needs to talk just be her friend never get in the middle of a marriage  luck  jo
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902589 tn?1268148853
Oh i didn't say anything mean about him or anything like that(to her at least lol) I know how that can backfire, been there done that! I jsut told her to try a counselor and that i'm sorry she's going through this and that i'm there for her if she needs to talk about it. I'm not going to go and bad mouth him or anything with her because basically I don't want her to turn on me when they resolve all this, I've had that happen before and am NOT doing that again!

But she seems calmer now, hopefully they'll be able to get through this! The stress of it just can't be good for her, especially with the new babies and them being their first ones! It's probably just all catching up to both of them
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145992 tn?1341345074
First babies are the hardest and they have to deal with 2 at one time.  Not the easiest to do.
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902589 tn?1268148853
I know, i had enough trouble with just one when i had my first lol And two now seems like i have 10 times as much to do! LOL
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