Oh no, sorry this is such a sore spot for the two of you, Money is one of the number one things couples fight about. Usually though when two people with different styles, one frugal and one a spender get together, they figure it out by compromise. The spender spends less and makes good choices when they do spend and the frugal person learns to be more generous and enjoy spending a little more. I guess in an ideal world. You DO need things for your daughter and yourself. As long as you aren't over doing it, how can you not have clothing for a growing child? Or something that fits for yourself. There ARE ny second hand stores that you can get good prices for things that look barely used, just a thought to save money.
I guess I would sit with him and ask to make a budget TOGETHER. And within the budget, find together a reasonable amount to put as your spending money for this type of thing. I also have always done this. My mom told me this a long time ago and I do it to this day. So, I have a grocery budget. I find ways or use coupons so I don't spend at least 10 dollars of it a week and sometimes more. I put that money, IN CASH, in an envelope and this is MY fun money. I like to plant flowers around our house in the spring. I save all winter in my little envelope of left over grocery money to where I have cash to just pay for it rather than worrying about an expense on top of our budge. I can shave off money by buying something cheaper or making the decision that I don't need one of the things for myself . . . that I don't really need. I used to drink a lot of pop. Giving that up was good for my health and good for my wallet. But whatever it is. Get at least 10 dollars a week and put it in an envelope for yourself. It will add up fairly fast.
He has to understand that this is part of living expenses. Let us know how the budget conversation goes. And know that so many couples go through these same things. **I** am the spender in my relationship and my husband is the saver. He has mellowed. As long as I am trying to be good about not over spending, he has learned to trust that I am taking care of our family's needs when I DO spend some money. good luck
You said, "We have a good bit of debt that we are paying off and work our butts off to save for a new house." How did you get a "good bit of debt?" You also said "I used to have a shopping problem that really calmed down for the sake of the relationship." With respect, saying it "really calmed down" is not saying you have it controlled, or gone. It sounds like you have wrestled the impulse to spend to a truce, but that there is no certainty that it won't be a problem again.
If someone has had the experience of suddenly learning that he was on the hook for a lot of debt from his spouse, it will take him a long time to relax about it if she shows a desire for new things. It's a frightening feeling to learn that your plans for long-term security can't be accomplished because of debt due to a partner's spending.
It's like living with a supposedly reformed alcoholic. If the person has not gone through AA and really wrestled with the process of giving up drinking, or maybe even if he has, you'd still get nervous if he went over and looked in the liquor cabinet.
Keep trying to assess your buying impulses and see them for what they are; sometimes just a psychological filler. Talk it over with your husband when you need to shop (eBay is a great source for cut-rate prices on almost everything). Keep your husband in the loop in all ways. You might even look into something like Dave Ramsay's programs about financial freedom, to keep at that debt. Pay it down as fast as you can.