You are SO focused on her and she is NOT your problem!!
Your "long term boyfriend"
who "cheated on You"
in a "drunken rage" while
You were "out of the country" and
wanted to "make You mad"
is what Your problem is here.
First and foremost - He did not "NEED" to cheat - He CHOSE to cheat. It is NOT Your fault He cheated - He is responsible for His own lack of integrity, morals. If those things were not compromised in His own Character, He would NOT cheat - no matter what You did or did not do.
I wonder why You seem more upset and betrayed by Her than You feel betrayed by Him. HE is the one who 'supposedly' had loyalty to You - not her. The betrayal to belongs to Him!!
You do not have to "accept" this - most especially based on the 'reasons', 'excuses' He gave for cheating: "you were out of the country" and he "wanted to make You mad" HE'S BLAMING THE VICTIM!! - You DO NOT have to accept the 'blame' here. If You do, it will likely happen again.
This I know is true.
You're right she is way less of my problem than my boyfriend who is at fault for the betrayal. I'm not sure why I'm so upset by her at this point.
I am definitely very much hurting from my boyfriend. But, although he was the one to initiate the cheating, he is the one who stopped it before they had sex and pushed her away and said he couldnt do it. He was a wreck, and actually took a leave of absence from school so he could go home and go to therapy and focus on getting better (he has a lot of anger issues and depression which lead to this). I'm in no way defending him because I don't see that as an excuse to cheat and hurt me so bad in any way, but I guess I see he is really upset and disgusted by what he did and he is genuinely very sorry and I see him seeking help from therapy to sort out his issues so he doesnt hit that low point again. I am definitely very hurt by him, but possibly I see him attempting to make right of his wrong and it's downplayed in my mind? I'm not sure myself. We definitely still have a ton of issues.
I'm just myself trying to be okay. I always end up comparing myself to her and feeling like crap. But you are right, she is not my problem so I wish I could stop focusing on her and more on making myself happy...just not sure how to get myself out of this funk of feeling so low compared to her and everyone.
"He is the one who stopped it before they had sex."
Did he tell you this? Before or after his initial admission? I'm sorry, but that sounds so fishy to me and it's just not acceptable, especially if his story changed. Don't worry about his emotional wellbeing. He has a counselor and can deal with his issues. Worry about you. Can you move past this? I know I wouldn't be able to nor would very many women, so no one would judge you for leaving him. If he's willing to get himself in the situation, what's to stop the situation from arising again and, assuming he's honest in saying that he stopped it, going further this time?
Why did he tell you in the first place if he "stopped it," anyway? Sounds like he IS NOT sorry. He wants to say, "Hey, look, I did this." *you react* "Oh, and I stopped it." Why should he get a pat on the head for doing that? I know for me this would be a no tolerance point and would leave immediately. HE is the reason he cheated. He clearly doesn't value the relationship or you as much as he should if he could even initiate a situation like that to begin with.
Really, when he told me he was absolutely hysterical and all I asked initially was with who and why and he kept saying he didnt know, he was really mad and got really drunk and was very messed up mentally. He actually then broke up with me because he said he couldn't stand what he did to me and I was so shocked i didn't say anything but with who. why, and ok (to breakingup). It wasn't until days later I begged him to please walk me through step by step what happened and he gave me pretty horrible details that I'm sure he was telling the truth because if he was trying to cushion what he was saying then I can't imagine worse. He told me he asked her to meet up and asked her to hook up (then gave details), he started it and then he ended it after a little while. He also sent facebook messages that night to his friend and what he told me was completely consistent with what he said to his friend (I looked through his phone when he didnt know- i know, a little psychotic, but I was unsure about his story as well and wanted to find out).
Why I eventually chose to try and move forward with him is hard to explain to others who don't know him or I personally and I understand that, but I did choose that. I am aware this was my decision to try and get past this and I didn't have to and still can leave at any point. But with him at least, I have come to terms with it more. Just personally, I'm often feeling very down about myself especially in comparison to this girl who I see every day. It's getting in the way of my job and school work. Just knowing I'm "that girl who was cheated on" really weighs into my confidence.
Stop comparing yourself to her or anyone else for that matter. Everyone is their own person with their own pros and cons and usually the people who put on a huge show to other people about how great they are, are hiding some pretty horrible secrets about themselves. The more humble a person is about their good fortune in life, the more trustworthy they are. She sounds like a total skeeze and I'm sure there are many things about her that are very unlikeable. Her attitude and sense of entitlement come to mind. Trust me, you don't want to be this girl because she has a very shady reputation already and clearly the boys all know she sleeps around so she is nothing but a temporary plaything. You don't want that kind of life. I'm sure of it.
I read something awesome on facebook the other day. It says that the grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with BS. You may think you want someone else's life but what you need to realize is that people frequently put on a public face to hide the fact that privately they are not doing well at all.
I guarantee this girl is not as put together as she appears to be. You shouldn't want her life because it likely stinks. Your life may seem harder than hers but you're earning your way through and at the end of the day it doesn't matter what she has that you don't have. In the big picture of your life This girl is a nobody who is totally insignificant and in 10 years you won't even remember her name cause you will have moved on.
As for your boyfriend, it's up to you if you want to keep him or not. But for me cheating is a dealbreaker and I wouldn't care how much he cried, I wouldn't take him back. I have no patience for being disrespected and I'm not afraid to dump someone for cheating. It's not worth my time to waste it on someone who would do something so hurtful to me.
You are blaming YourSelf for His cheating when You compare YourSelf to Her - HE is RESPONSIBLE for cheating - NOT You, and not even Her.
He told You why He cheated: He "was pissed at You and wanted to make You mad"
A man with Integrity, Loyalty, Character, and Morals would not cheat, no matter what the other woman is like - the world is full of Beautiful, Confident Women - if it was all about that, well then, ALL Men would be cheating ALL the time.
And in Your future He WILL get pissed at You again - then what?? I would not trust a Man who cheated on me and told me it was because "He was pissed and wanted to make me mad". That sounds very sinister and calculating. Beware and Be Aware.
Well when you think about her you can think that she is a **** and you are not. You may think that she has all of this "stuff" yet she can't have a boyfriend for herself and is willing to spread her legs at a moments notice. Yeah you have a lot more then she does.
The word blocked out is s l u t
Ha Vance. That one usually works for me.
In truth, you are focusing on her because it is much safer. You are a bit in shock and you just learned something horrible about your boyfriend. He is very much capable of being a cheater. AND, he will seek revenge on you when he's angry. THAT is scary. What he did was very manipulative. He's basically told you--- do as I say and don't tick me off or I WILL do something awful to hurt you.
For that reason--- I do think you have much to do besides just going on with this relationship. In the back of your mind . . you now know the truth about him. That is very hard to get past. You have to worry each and every time you are in a fight if he will run off and humiliate you, hurt you, expose you to diseases, and toss aside the caring you've given him as his girlfriend like it was nothing. You do really have to deal with this because if you don't you'll NEVER be able to fully trust him and he could do it again.
So, he needs to work on this. Therapist? I'm not sure. But I wouldn't just brush this under the carpet with a 'whatever' it happened.
That is the easier answer as is blaming her or focusing on her because then you don't have to DEAL with what has happened.
It's bad enough to cheat but when it is for revenge for the PURPOSE of getting back at you . . . wow. THAT is a lot to accept with a whatever.
the couples that overcome cheating do so with hard work. Do the work and just ignore the girl. He humiliated you in front of others by being with her-- someone you are familiar with. HE did that. Not her.
good luck hon. Sounds really hard and I'm sorry this has happened!
Hi also, cheating is one of those things that have double standards attached. If its a woman shes a s l u t if its a man its often bragged about to his buddies. I feel its much easier for a woman to forgive a man cause in a sense they have been attempting to have sex for a causal experience most of their lives but woman look for a stable partner. Its much more difficult for a man to forgive a woman and i feel in most cases impossible.
It is a question of honor and integrity and what he did is not acceptable but men and strip clubs, men and cheating have been and will forever be an issue that has been socially directed.
Even President Clinton did it and was not really frowned down by the world where as if Hilary did it a whole other issue of values would have been questioned.
Also in some countries men have more than one wife and even some religions in this country men have more than one wife.
I dont know the answer on how to feel better but if you look at this as a guy thing then maybe it would help you make a decision on how to deal with this.
First and foremost, are you in counseling for your anxiety and depression issues? You need to put you and your mental health FIRST. You have this self-hatred and low view of yourself and now this dreadful situation has unfortunately magnified these issues.
Secondly........you can definitely forgive, but I would say move on away from this guy. He also has some serious issues going on that he needs to address as well. I would say he needs to put them FIRST and address them NOW.
Thirdly, it wasn't per se how she looked that attracted him, but more the fact that she was available and willing to cheat with him. It takes two to tangle and we can't just call the girl terrible names because BOTH parties were able and willing to do wrong. She didn't promise to be true to you; he did.
Lastly, I wouldn't get drawn into the drama on those social networks. They are truly a double-edged sword. You have the control over what you see and read on the computer AND you have an "off" button to press. You are giving this guy, this girl and the situation WAY too much power over you and your life and you need to take it back.
"Bottom line is, does any one have any tips on how to build confidence after being cheated on? or tips on how to accept and forgive? Thank you".........I would say work this out with the help of a therapist.
I agree with above that social networks are an emotional rollercoaster these days and I'd avoid them. When we are vulnerable, why put yourself through that? Just avoid it. That's what I'd do because you have enough on your plate to deal with in this situation without that.
I think the idea of calling her a terrible name helps just a little when you feel jealous of her. And maybe it is justified-- I don't know. But the same name applies to your boyfriend. AND HE is the one that really did the wrong thing to you. The girl didn't owe you anything. It is true that human nature though, feels a little sense of power by calling someone a mean name when we are hurt. Probably not the best thing, agreed. But human. And honestly, I would not want to be a girl that got used for the night by an angry boyfriend of another. That is nothing to be jealous of!!
I agree a therapist would be a great thing to help you through this. peace