How to regain back my sanity when husband is a mumma's boy?

[shweetsharma]

My parents in law have done everything to raise their son inspite of being financially week. Specially my MIL. Infact she has been the head of the family. I respected her a lot while dating my husband for her tremendous fighting spirit until my marriage got fixed. From the very 1st day of the talks she made it clear that she has god complex. She was never open to any discussion. The wedding was only about her "only son" and her family. My parents were ill treated and whenever I denied her wish she started whining. Since we stay in different cities I thoughy after marriage everything would be fine. But when she came to visit me, inspite of me trying my 100% she crapped about me to the family which I overheard. I decided to stop trying all together. But I m a patient of depression and these things effected me a lot, and created trouble between me and my husband. I went to visit them alone but ended up confronting her where she justified herself and her lies and the fact she wanted a DIL who would listen to her and have no opinion of her own. My husband has washes his hands of the matter. But I m still getting frigid thinking about her,even though she is not in the same city. Even if she calls her son for a second I get agitated. I dont know how to regain my sanity back. My husband cant say no to their demands and asks me to adjust financially. He has no savings but cant deny their wishes. I get so worried and these things pushes me even further. How to build a normal married life without being so depressed all the time. Even my job cant keep me distracted. Please help.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you are from India, this is not a very uncommon issue. There is just an expectation that the son will always obey his parents in all things. The wife often ends up the last in line and the husband does not do anything to accede to her wishes.

If this is as strong a problem as you going against an entire culture of men and their parents, I think in your shoes I would stop contributing money to a central account that seems to always go away to the parents. You have a job, you have your own money, your husband does not get it. You can pay for things like the rent that benefit you as a couple, but he does not have access to the balance. That way if the problem continues to be this acute, you will at least not have the loss of your money you have earned yourself to add to your unhappiness. And if the very worst happens, you will have your own nest egg and can leave.

I am sorry for the younger generation of Indian women in particular, because the Indian men they marry do seem to still have the more old-fashioned attitude that they have to do whatever their parents command. As specialmom says, don't blame the parents for this. It is in the culture.  Yet now the younger women have their own jobs and own lives and want their husband to stand up and be an adult.  It's a cultural change in progress that probably won't really be complete for another generation. I think if this is your situation (you don't say where you live), you aren't going to be able to change your husband's belief that he owes his parents allegiance before any to you. If he cannot or will not change this attitude, you have to decide if you can live with things the way they are. Being depressed won't solve an issue that comes from a clash of values. Only you living by your values wherever they lead, will solve the issue.

[specialmom]

Well, you have to let this go.  He has a right to be in communication with his mother.  Even with the terrible past experience, it's unfair to ask someone to totally cut off their parent.  You can set boundaries otherwise but be realistic.  They can talk.  But give money?  That is an issue with him and you and not HER fault, really.  It does sound like you also have a hard time letting things go.  Holding grudges builds up our own anger and is unhealthy for us.  Do you see a therapist for your depression?  That would be a good idea to have an outlet to let these feelings out.  

It is hard.  There are cultural things in many countries that make it harder but in this case, this seems more about your letting things go and forgiving and your husband not respecting boundaries of sharing family money against your wishes.   Try to keep things peaceful with distance between you and your MIL.  good luck