How to resolve holiday crises when spending time with my kids

[Gene3651]

I'm a family man and spending time with my children is very important to me. My children (six) are grown now and I encourage them to spend time with their mother as often as they are able. My x and I have been divorced a couple years. To keep the holidays from becoming complicated I had in the past agreed to meet with the kids at their mother's house. This year I found myself left out entirely since she is now involved with someone else. I can't bring myself to sit down as a family with another man being part of the equation. How can this work? I don't want to spend the holidays without my kids but I know it isn't right to ask my kids to not to spend the time with their mother either. I don't want to lose the family closeness we've shared in the past.

[specialmom]

yes, it does get complex when more and more things are added into the mix.  When I had my own kids and needed to be home on Christmas morning.  Then we wanted our kids to go to their own church on Christmas eve and to have some of our own immediate family memories so we took that off the table as a time we'd get together with anyone.  Verses when I was younger, I just went wherever anyone told me.

I think you've gotten ideas from life, rockrose and myself. All equally good.  You'll have to go with what feels best to you.  good luck

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I admire your desire to stay close to your family.  I think that is terrific.  My parents divorced when I was an adult and I tell you, holidays were such a burden.  

Some can move past things and be with their ex's new significant other.  It can be very cordial and it is really great when that happens.  I tell you!  The multiple Christmas is hard especially if your children are married.  You have your child wanting to have a holiday with their own family (spouse and kids) then they have his family's get together and then her family's get together.  It always was exhausting on me to have to go to all of these different events, to be honest.  I love my family and want to enjoy time with them but go go go during that season becomes too much sometimes.  So, having you and your ex celebrate with your kids together has been a nice thing for them.  :>)  

If you don't do that, then you have to have your own celebration.  Those are nice in their own way and nice to NOT have any awkward moments.  But that would exist no matter what for your kids----  adult kids don't usually love their parents new significant others.  I mean, they may be okay with them but it is not like they are super comfortable like they grew up with them.  This doesn't mean they aren't happy for their parent as we want our parents to be happy and can be very grateful they meet someone special . . .   but it is just a little different to have a new person around at all of your old family traditions with their parent acting differently (as most do) when they are there.  I've suffered through this myself.  

Now as a parent myself, the idea of alternating is painful.  And as someone's kid.  That means that you only see your kids and grandkids every other year.  That would be a bit much for me.  I guess I'd rather be exhausted that not see my parent.  And if your kids take over hosting ---  you have to go.  It would be childish to say you can't because of their significant other.  Ya know?  

So, I don't know if that helps.  That's just my perspective.  I love both parents and wouldn't want to hurt either or leave anyone out.  

your family life will never be the same but you can make a new situation.  

good luck and I admire how much you care!

[RockRose]

This is going to get more complex,  as your kids get older and start having families of their own.  I wonder if you can get together in the summer for several days,  with you hosting a bunch of cabins or something?   You could even have a standing long weekend - where every year everyone gets together on that long weekend?  

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome to the forum. This was eventually going to happen as you already have lost that family closeness and your children may like the new person as he makes their mom happy. And since the party is at her house, its kindof her call who comes.
I would suggest alternating the holiday functions so next year its at your house where you can invite who ever you want.
To view this in her perspective,  imagine inviting your girl friend to the get together. She and her new man, you and your new girl all sitting around chating. Really not something that going to happen