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How to save a sex-starved relationship?

I have a wonderful partner who is a great human being. She is everything I could ever wish for. I enjoy her company and the intellectual conversations we have with each other. I love her, truly. She loves me more. We are engaged. I wish to keep her happy, forever. I cannot imagine a life without her. Neither can she without me. Our families have met and everyone is happy. I have no complaints against her, except for this one darn thing.

She is asexual–completely indifferent to sex. She does not feel sexually attracted to me, but she loves me with all her heart. She is repelled and petrified by the idea of penetration. On the other hand, I am sexually very enthusiastic, rather kinky, and frequently crave for episodes of intense sexual engagement–the total opposite of her. Nevertheless, I am ready to give up on penetration, but I long for some form of sexual fulfilment on a regular basis, such as oral sex. One good thing about her is that she is open to experimentation (if she has the time–she is a very busy person). We have experimented and found that she enjoys clitoral stimulation and her hymen is broken but any form of penetration, such as by means of fingers, leaves her with an uncomfortable "burning sensation" inside her, so penetration in any form is off the table. I am happy to compromise a little and go forward with non-penetrative sex. She too has agreed to engage in oral sex and learn how to do it reasonably well so that I can enjoy it. And I love her for that. And there is no problem, at least theoretically.

Well, in practical implementation, it is worse than you think. She does not give any importance to sex and would be repelled by the idea of taking time off her busy schedule to research on how to improve her sexual life, even if I casually send her links to such articles. She has more important things to think about and do than waste time reading up on the importance of sex or actually engage in such activities (although she wants to fulfil my sexual needs, perhaps in pity for me, but hardly finds the time). In fact, she felt pressurized and hurt by my openness about this issue and my trying to sway her into being sexually more active. She asked me not to mention about sex to her again and see if she craves for it naturally. So, I have been keeping quiet all this while and waiting indefinitely. She, being asexual, would never feel the urge. She will not understand my difficulty either. So, I gave in to masturbating myself to relief every day. She is indifferent, as expected. I do not blame her–that is her natural sexual orientation.

Anyway, I am afraid that this deprivation will lead to a constant growth of sexual frustration within me, which might lead me to infidelity. That is the worst thing I can do to her. She is very possessive about me. Polyamory is out of the question. She would be devastated. I cannot do that to her. I will be devastated. But I cannot resist the growing feeling of dissatisfaction and the urge to go out and do something wild. If there were a switch in my brain to turn off all my sexual urges, I would be glad to flick that switch and become asexual for her. But right now, my body is betraying my mind. I am not able to think of any resolution to this. I love her. But there is a sex-monkey in my brain which is growing wild with every passing day of sexual deprivation. The worst thing would be to have that monkey take control of my life-cruise. I want to crush that monkey to death, or find relief in some other way. Please advise.
4 Responses
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134578 tn?1614729226
My friend, I am sorry, but this will not solve itself, you will not find a switch to turn off in your brain, and it will be a bigger issue as time goes by, not a smaller issue. She should be your good friend, and you should find and marry a woman who has a sexual appetite. (You don't need to marry a bimbo, there are plenty of brilliant, admirable women who are not asexual.) Just do not marry someone whose sexual appetite is zero percent when yours is apparently closer to 100.

It sounds like you like the brightness and successfulness and intellectual conversation of your fiance, but I think you aren't accepting what it would mean for you overall (personally yourself, and as a couple) that she really is not interested in sex. Your needs will make you resentful of the situation in the end no matter how much you justify it intellectually now, and you should not marry if you can see this coming. You don't want to look back after a child or two are born (which is an interesting question in itself, do you plan to do IVF?) and say "I knew all along I would hate this." I think in the end you would be sulky and resentful, or angry, and that is no way to live and no way to be if you are raising children. In the meantime, "casually" sending her links to such articles as you have mentioned just makes you look sex-obsessed to her, and unaccepting of her also. For your own dignity and so you don't cast yourself as an out-of-control sex monkey in her mind, please face the fact that you cannot change her. She is not going to change.

Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly rational reason to end an engagement. Stay friends, have lunch, get together and talk, but find someone who feels more like you, to marry. Fortunately, most women do like sex.
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
Thank you for your kind suggestions. But you know, I love her so much. She is perfect in so many other ways that I wouldn't be able to describe it here. I owe her all the love and loyalty I can muster. If she cannot become like me, I would happily become like her. The trouble is I don't know how to become like her–indifferent to sex. My body is revolting against the wills of my mind. I am being ripped into two halves–one filled with lust and frustration, and the other with love and commitment. Maybe you are right about everything you say. But it would kill me to break up with her. And if I stay like this, I am afraid my lust will lead me to find sexual comfort in other people. It's a dilemma and I am stuck.

P.S. We plan on having no kids.
495284 tn?1333894042
Is there a reason she fears penetration?  Did something happen in her past?

I understand that some people dont share a healthy sex drive but it seems in this case she is also being very selfish.  You are trying to work with her sexual being and she just stays busy so she doesnt have to deal with yours.  Most of us enjoy or desire that intimacy and without it we become very bitter and start looking elsewhere. It is the nature of the beast.  Can you talk to her about this and explain how you are feeling?
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
It is her upbringing. She comes from a very conservative family and culture.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I understand the love you have for your partner, outside of her sexual nature, and i respect hat. IHoneslty i think that you need to get used to pleasuring yourself , maybe with some aspect of porn to help, and commit to that for awhile with no further expectations, Do you cuddle with her? and sleep side by side? (do you mind my asking)
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Such a hard situation!  I'm sorry about this.  You two are clearly, as you know, not sexually compatible.  Then it comes down to how much you value sex in your life.  If you stay with her and she will not move past this, then you will have a rich fantasy life all on your own (masturbation?) or you leave her and give up the other wonderful qualities she has in order to find a more exciting sex life.  Neither is right or wrong.  But you two were not an ideal match unfortunately.  I'm sure you've told her how you feel and that you would like to be intimate with her.  What is her response?  
Helpful - 0
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