Avatar universal

Husband doesn't want sex,says it's MY fault??

My husband and I divorced 4 years ago and recently re-maried. Everything was going great UNTIL I asked why he never wants to be with me? I'm 5/7 130lbs, attractive, and eager. I went out and bought new lingerie, the whole 9 yards.
Every time I would lie down in bed next to him he would roll over and close his eyes or say his back hurt, this hurt, that was wrong, etc.
After 4 months of this I asked what was going on to which he replied "you're accusing me of being with someone else". I said "no I didn't say that but now that you mention it, are you?" He claims no but says he knows I don't believe him because when we met, 17 years ago, I thought he was still seeing someone else. 17 YEARS ago folks. IMO it has nothing to do with the current situation.
I told him I don't care if you are seeing someone for sex, as long as you love me, I love you, I'll try and overlook it and do my own thing.
Naturally he blew up over that comment and kept saying it's your fault I don't want to have sex then started on some other excuse claiming he never said "it was my fault".
He's naturally a tad Narcissitic so I'm used to the pot shots but I refuse to let it ruin my self esteem.
So my question is, since he won't go to counseling unless I pay for it (cause it's my fault) should I just pack it in and leave? I won't be a sneaky cheater, it's gonna be OK or not.
I'm 42, he's 51. We've never had an intense sex life but also never had him say "I don't want to be with you".
I read that I shouldn't cry, act sad, or let on that he's gotten to me. Being honest with him usually results in something being all my fault.
Now I feel totally rejected, depressed, unwanted, and unloved. I know those feelings shouldn't be mine because I did nothing to cause it but they are my feelings and I hate life now every single day.
I don't know if this is payback for filing for divorce or cheating or what?
I can't live like this anymore, anyone in the same boat? What would you do?
We have a 10 year old who I hate to put through another breakup but I don't think I can go without sex until my child is 18 and I can leave again.
Please HELP!!
PS- I got back in the gym last year, trained 5 days a week, am down to 125 pounds, grew my hair long, and am a decent person. Maybe no one wants a nice,smart, pretty girl anymore? Or maybe it's just HIM!
10 Responses
Avatar universal
Oh I forgot to mention neither of us takes medications, drink alcohol much at all, and he doesn't have a "medical" issue that would cause an inability to have sex.
Avatar universal
Sorry clarify this sentence: I don't know if this is payback for filing for divorce or cheating or what?
I meant I filed for divorce and could he be cheating and lying like a rug to keep his house cleaner, cook and babysitter? No one cheated in the marriage.
973741 tn?1342342773
I think you should go ahead and pay for the two of you to go to counseling.  Then you will have an unbiased third party tell him it is not just your fault.  Also, you can talk about your passive aggressive nature with him as in why tell your  husband that is okay if he is using someone else for sex instead of you and you'll just do your own thing . . . thems fighting words.  Lastly, if you've taken the time to remarry, you might as well do something to give it a chance.  goodluck
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm curious about why you divorced him in the first place.  Sounds like he wasn't a prince back then either,  he was just difficult about different things than withholding sex.

If he's a terrific dad,  I think you should consider staying.  If he's as distant with your child as he is with you,  and as punitive . . .  he doesn't seem worth much.
684030 tn?1415612323
I'm wondering what transpired to where the two of you were able to get along well enough to remarry. At some point, you must have arrived at some understanding
or realization that you were both better together; than apart. What happened?
Avatar universal
We divorced because he was controlling and when he got mad he said what he wanted, even if it's the stuff you NEVER say to someone cause you can't take it back.
He worked hard on change and deep down is a good guy. Looks like I made the mistake again this time!!
145992 tn?1341345074
What mistake did you make?  You're misreading what people are telling you.  You gave your marriage a second chance, why throw that away.  Pay for the counseling and go....what's the harm in doing that?  I would, if it meant that he would go and we could get some help.  He's not saying no to the idea, he's just being stubborn about it.  I don't think the answer to your issues is him sleeping with someone else as long as he loves you.  That will NOT make your relationship better.  Go to counseling and work through these issues.
973741 tn?1342342773
It does seem a little like you already had your mind made up on this one.  One good thing about counseling when you are dealing with a difficult personality----  a therapist can tell them they are difficult and it is that unbiased 3rd party opinion-----  they can never say it is all you again!!  
303824 tn?1294871401
I'm curious as to why he's saying for YOU to pay for counseling when aren't you guys married? Isn't it both of your money?  I agree with the others...go ahead and go through counseling and if it doesn't work out after that then maybe it's time to move on.
1149921 tn?1297559913
  I did experience this with my husband of six years ago, Only he could not engage unless that I was dressed as another women.  At the time I was 23, and 120lbs.  Not much has changed since our divorce.  You sound incredible, so thumbs up for at least not letting him take that part of you down.  He says that he is not cheating, question is with whom? what guy wouldn't be turned on by 41 years of hottness, cuz they don't make them like that anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I dont get down like that, but let the truth speak for itself.  So either your guy is gay, and that k, or either he has some form of ED, and prob finds it easier to blame you instead of facing the prob, or getting medical attention.  Sorry, just keeping it real.  After my divorce, I felt angry.  I started reading those stupid self help books, thinking that this might help in future situations much like this one.  Not at all necessary.  I am 35 years, and 128lbs of delicousness.  Just remember, If one doesn't desire you someone else will.  I know that you love him and want to be only with him, but it may just be time to let it go, and move on to bigger plains.  Men tend to go for what they want, whereas women tend to seek what they need.  So don't by any means feel ashamed of wanting the same that life has to offer.  Let me know what happens.
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