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Avatar universal

Husband doesnt want to have a bay??

Hello.. Ok me and my husband have 1 baby girl who's 2 year old. Now I ask my husband I'll like to have one so she doesn't have to be alone, since I'm not working or go to school right now. But my husband said no he said maybe later one like 3 or 4 years . And I'm really upset because my baby deserve to have a sister or brother ! And my husband have 2 more kids with his previous marriage . So I think his selfish, I told him I don't want to sleep with him anymore after today ! So what can I do to change his mind ?? Ladies please help me thank you!
6 Responses
Avatar universal
Actually, I do not think Your Husband is being 'selfish' at all.  

Your Husband has already fathered THREE Children.  That's a lot of Children to Parent and Support properly (as I would hope He is doing).  Perhaps it is You who is being selfish not to realize His responsibility to the THREE Children He already has.

and Your Baby does have siblings - the three Children share a Father, They share genes and DNA.  You should encourage a relationship with all these Children as They are Sisters and/or Brothers to Your Baby !!

You knew He had two Children when You married Him - I think You are being the selfish one here in making this demand on Him
1 Comments
Thanks for your feed back.. And YES he does have 2 other kids, and I know, but I didn't sing up for no kids, just becues he has. And I'm only 28 year old off cures I want to have more than just one. About my step kids they r not leaving the Sam country and plus they mom doesn't want to have any relationship with us expat the child support payments. So that's why ! Anyways I'm not a selfish at all just want the best for my child just like another kids !
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, let's take the word selfish out of it.  Everyone is wanting what they want and are valid in their feelings.  Do you think that he doesn't want another child now BECAUSE you aren't working or going to school?  I ask that because kids are expensive.  Truthfully, babies and toddlers are cheap compared to older kids.  My boys are in activities and school and such that wipes us out of every extra penny we have and then some.  As kids get older, they are more and more expensive.  And you WANT to do for them.  Your husband has an obligation to his older children and they will take more and more money as will your daughter.  So, he very well may be looking at this realistically from a financial standpoint.  Let alone his time.  

My perspective on this is that you can get wrapped up in this or embrace it.  For now, your daughter has your undivided attention.  That's wonderful!  Keep her social world full by going places and participating in play groups and play dates.  she'll be fine.  But don't feel she 'has less' than other kids.  Believe it or not, there is a statistical correlation with intelligence.  Kids from either big families with lots of kids or kids close together often do poorer in school and intellectually because their one on one time is less with an adult.  One and only children have an advantage in this area.  My sons are very close together in age.  It is difficult for me to eek out time for both separately to work on things with them. I can attest this is true.  So, that's the upside to it being just her.  You can also do more FOR her with just her.  My boys have to split the family income.  Yours is divided now three ways with three kids, a fourth makes that much less for each child if that makes sense.  So, keep that in mind too.  There are pros and cons to everything.

So, hopefully it works out and if down the road seems better to your husband to have another child, go for it.  good luck hon
2 Comments
Hey dear, thanks for your respond. And no he doesn't mind me working or not. But at this point I couldn't find job.
We just move to Germany from Texas for 3 years, My husband is army. I'm just so stressed out about everything. The only thing keeps me strong is my daughter right now. And also the reason he doesn't want another child now is we have financial issu. He pay for child support $1500 for 2 kids and alimony. It's not fair. And My poor baby is alone no friend or family here! But I'm hoping it'll get better!
Avatar universal
Oh yes !! You DID "sign up" for 2 other Kids if You knew He had Them before You married Him.  

If You were unwilling to "sign up" You had no business to marry a Man who already had Children.  He is Their Father whether or not You are signed in !!

Suppose You were to re-marry and the next man didn't want to 'sign up' for Your Daughter ??
3060903 tn?1398565123
I can understand why you want to have another child, certainly, but numbers don't lie and you knew going in what they were. It's a blessing you have the one child. I think under the circumstances he feels that he's supporting you in terms of child bearing the best way that he can manage. I think you should re consider not sleeping with your husband, unless you are unable to understand what he and everybody else is saying, and you are considering this a deal breaker and plan to move on and find someone who will have as many kids as you want (regardless of whether it's a good decision). The fact is that this is not only about a financial hardship. If a man does not "want" a child, it will become evident to the child. The one child that he did want, will probably unfortunately suffer if your husband feels pushed into having another child or you simply make it happen for yourself. He sounds like a good man. Maybe you could talk to a therapist to dialogue with about what's going on in your marriage, and hold off on making threats to your marriage? I think it would be a better decision for you and the daughter you have.

I have one son, whose 28 this year. Such a highly intelligent man, and i think because of the fact that he had no siblings, he became very focused on making friends early on. Whether you have one child or three, your house can be full of youngsters from morning til dusk , if that's your wish, and if you make the effort , you can certainly make that happen.  My son is educated and travels the world, he lives with his wife, and two friends and he has continued on with his childhood habit of always running in groups of at least 4 up to 10 friends, camping hiking, traveling , meeting new friends through out the world, finding his one and only from another country and becoming a son in a family half a world away with a whole new culture (France). Only children can be very successful in life. I lost my husband, my son's father when my son was 8 and remarried to my current husband. Of course we thought about about having a child together, but the facts were , that having two (he had one also) prior to our union , well, they would have had less in life and less by way of time and focus, so we sacrificed having another child for the children we had. My step daughter unfortunately suffered because her mother was a "glass half empty" kind of person. She had the mentality that only "blood" relatives were important and so my step daughter never learned to be inclusive and open to making friends the same way my son did. So i guess what i'm saying is , that it matters how you move forward. That's why i think it would benefit YOU very much to go to a therapist now, early on, so that you can be HAPPY with what you've got. Your child will suffer from your unhappiness more than she would having no blood siblings, because God knows, we are all b brethren and there are huge opportunities for our children to all feel associated to each other. Just think about school plays, where all the children are standing hand in hand. They are all brothers and sisters. IF YOU are able to look at it that way.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not saying that you are a bad person for your initial reaction to what's going on with you and your husband. Not at all. Although i have to remind you that this conversation should have been had  early on. and when you say that "you didn't sign up for his kids" well, that's not the truth of the matter. You did  sign on for the financial responsibilities of his having to be responsible and keeping his kids and his ex wife. It was you that could have chosen to be with a man who was not married prior to you,. These were your choices. So my advice is for you to learn how to be happy with the IMMENSE GIFT THAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT FOR YOU GIRL (and obviously for your self and your husband).

You say that you have no family or friends where you are in Germany. Why not start to take a second language course.  I know of course that there are many others who speak English on your base, and you can develop friendships with them and their children, but you can also meet and become friends with German heritage people while you're there. Where there is a will, there's a way. But not with numbers. Numbers don't change.
1 Comments
Zeezee,

Marriage is give and take; doesn't mean you will get everything your way.  That's the way it is and that's life.  

Are you sure you know what you want?  In a previous post you talked about how you are exhausted taking care of your little one and your husband doesn't help very much around the house.  In another previous post you talk about wanting to work or go back to school.  And now you want to add another child in the mix?  Your husband has valid reasons for not wanting another child at this time.  He isn't being unfair; he's being wise.  It would be more financial burden on him.  Is that fair for him?  Not sleeping him isn't the answer my dear..........in fact it will only cause more problems.  He sounds like he is doing the best he can.  I can't give you tips on how to go against someone who is being prudent.

You should be able to connect with other military wives if you are living in Germany on base.  There are usually various activities/groups/clubs for the military wives.  I KNOW this to be true.  My husband is in the military as well and we have friends who are in the military living in Germany.  You need to get out and make it happen whether it be making friends or joining a group or finding a job.  There are plenty of other military wives with children, so there is no lack of playmates for your child.  There is no need to have another child so the child won't be lonely.  Did your daughter even tell you she was lonely?  Be proud you are with a guy who takes care of his commitments, e.g. child support for his other children.  We need more men like him.  

13167 tn?1327194124
zeezee, you haven't been treated unfairly,  in my opinion.  You have your child,  and your child has her father.  You knew going in to this he had two other kids and now he can't afford any more.

Make friends.  Find other moms with kids,  and reach out,  and create a social circle for yourself and your child.

You're being treated completely fairly - you walked into this with your eyes wide open.  Make friends.  Don't blame anyone else if you are unwilling to reach out and make friends - the military is the PERFECT place to do that.  
Avatar universal
Maybe culture is playing a role in this as well?  What country are you from originally?

Secondly, are you really happy in this marriage?
2 Comments
I guess you guys are right. Maybe I'm overacting ? And I'm originally from Ethiopia and his Asian! Our culture is completely different . But he is open minded never complain or tell me not to do anything regarding my culture.
Well, that isn't really the point that he is open-minded.  The point is you both were raised in different  cultures and that will influence how you see life, how you handle difficulties in life, etc. and I think that is a huge problem here.  

He may not complain or tell you not to do anything in regards to your culture, BUT that doesn't change the fact the you two are influenced by your cultures and that may be apparent when you two have these spats.  You need to get that sorted.

I think you need to applaud him for financially taking care of all his children even if the ex is less then kind and cooperative and be grateful for what you have already and not focus on what you don't have.  

A wife shouldn't put demands on her husband and then give repercussions, e.g. refuse to sleep with him, if he is already doing the very best he can.

Your child isn't alone........she has you there all day long.



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