Actually, I do not think Your Husband is being 'selfish' at all.
Your Husband has already fathered THREE Children. That's a lot of Children to Parent and Support properly (as I would hope He is doing). Perhaps it is You who is being selfish not to realize His responsibility to the THREE Children He already has.
and Your Baby does have siblings - the three Children share a Father, They share genes and DNA. You should encourage a relationship with all these Children as They are Sisters and/or Brothers to Your Baby !!
You knew He had two Children when You married Him - I think You are being the selfish one here in making this demand on Him
Hi there. Well, let's take the word selfish out of it. Everyone is wanting what they want and are valid in their feelings. Do you think that he doesn't want another child now BECAUSE you aren't working or going to school? I ask that because kids are expensive. Truthfully, babies and toddlers are cheap compared to older kids. My boys are in activities and school and such that wipes us out of every extra penny we have and then some. As kids get older, they are more and more expensive. And you WANT to do for them. Your husband has an obligation to his older children and they will take more and more money as will your daughter. So, he very well may be looking at this realistically from a financial standpoint. Let alone his time.
My perspective on this is that you can get wrapped up in this or embrace it. For now, your daughter has your undivided attention. That's wonderful! Keep her social world full by going places and participating in play groups and play dates. she'll be fine. But don't feel she 'has less' than other kids. Believe it or not, there is a statistical correlation with intelligence. Kids from either big families with lots of kids or kids close together often do poorer in school and intellectually because their one on one time is less with an adult. One and only children have an advantage in this area. My sons are very close together in age. It is difficult for me to eek out time for both separately to work on things with them. I can attest this is true. So, that's the upside to it being just her. You can also do more FOR her with just her. My boys have to split the family income. Yours is divided now three ways with three kids, a fourth makes that much less for each child if that makes sense. So, keep that in mind too. There are pros and cons to everything.
So, hopefully it works out and if down the road seems better to your husband to have another child, go for it. good luck hon
Oh yes !! You DID "sign up" for 2 other Kids if You knew He had Them before You married Him.
If You were unwilling to "sign up" You had no business to marry a Man who already had Children. He is Their Father whether or not You are signed in !!
Suppose You were to re-marry and the next man didn't want to 'sign up' for Your Daughter ??
I can understand why you want to have another child, certainly, but numbers don't lie and you knew going in what they were. It's a blessing you have the one child. I think under the circumstances he feels that he's supporting you in terms of child bearing the best way that he can manage. I think you should re consider not sleeping with your husband, unless you are unable to understand what he and everybody else is saying, and you are considering this a deal breaker and plan to move on and find someone who will have as many kids as you want (regardless of whether it's a good decision). The fact is that this is not only about a financial hardship. If a man does not "want" a child, it will become evident to the child. The one child that he did want, will probably unfortunately suffer if your husband feels pushed into having another child or you simply make it happen for yourself. He sounds like a good man. Maybe you could talk to a therapist to dialogue with about what's going on in your marriage, and hold off on making threats to your marriage? I think it would be a better decision for you and the daughter you have.
I have one son, whose 28 this year. Such a highly intelligent man, and i think because of the fact that he had no siblings, he became very focused on making friends early on. Whether you have one child or three, your house can be full of youngsters from morning til dusk , if that's your wish, and if you make the effort , you can certainly make that happen. My son is educated and travels the world, he lives with his wife, and two friends and he has continued on with his childhood habit of always running in groups of at least 4 up to 10 friends, camping hiking, traveling , meeting new friends through out the world, finding his one and only from another country and becoming a son in a family half a world away with a whole new culture (France). Only children can be very successful in life. I lost my husband, my son's father when my son was 8 and remarried to my current husband. Of course we thought about about having a child together, but the facts were , that having two (he had one also) prior to our union , well, they would have had less in life and less by way of time and focus, so we sacrificed having another child for the children we had. My step daughter unfortunately suffered because her mother was a "glass half empty" kind of person. She had the mentality that only "blood" relatives were important and so my step daughter never learned to be inclusive and open to making friends the same way my son did. So i guess what i'm saying is , that it matters how you move forward. That's why i think it would benefit YOU very much to go to a therapist now, early on, so that you can be HAPPY with what you've got. Your child will suffer from your unhappiness more than she would having no blood siblings, because God knows, we are all b brethren and there are huge opportunities for our children to all feel associated to each other. Just think about school plays, where all the children are standing hand in hand. They are all brothers and sisters. IF YOU are able to look at it that way.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not saying that you are a bad person for your initial reaction to what's going on with you and your husband. Not at all. Although i have to remind you that this conversation should have been had early on. and when you say that "you didn't sign up for his kids" well, that's not the truth of the matter. You did sign on for the financial responsibilities of his having to be responsible and keeping his kids and his ex wife. It was you that could have chosen to be with a man who was not married prior to you,. These were your choices. So my advice is for you to learn how to be happy with the IMMENSE GIFT THAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT FOR YOU GIRL (and obviously for your self and your husband).
You say that you have no family or friends where you are in Germany. Why not start to take a second language course. I know of course that there are many others who speak English on your base, and you can develop friendships with them and their children, but you can also meet and become friends with German heritage people while you're there. Where there is a will, there's a way. But not with numbers. Numbers don't change.
zeezee, you haven't been treated unfairly, in my opinion. You have your child, and your child has her father. You knew going in to this he had two other kids and now he can't afford any more.
Make friends. Find other moms with kids, and reach out, and create a social circle for yourself and your child.
You're being treated completely fairly - you walked into this with your eyes wide open. Make friends. Don't blame anyone else if you are unwilling to reach out and make friends - the military is the PERFECT place to do that.
Maybe culture is playing a role in this as well? What country are you from originally?
Secondly, are you really happy in this marriage?