Well, to introduce myself, I hail from a normal upper middle class Indian family, born and brought up abroad by liberal parents and quite independent in thought & action.Mine was an arranged marriage , I met my husband in Dubai, we talked for 2 hrs, he told me exactly what all I wanted to hear about responsibility, family attachments, independence in thoughts etc etc and thought that we can get married. We had 6 mths of courtship period(which was terrible) bcoz my husband was totally insensitive about what a girl expects from him, quite callous in nature and have a dont care attitude about everything. He is quite selfish when it comes to money matters and conveninece . He doest keep up to his word in any matter at all and I find it difficult bcoz I had rather die than not keep up with my word. To his parents and sibling, he is quite an absent minded character , who hasnt seen life to the full.We almost broke off our enaggement 2 times and then our folks had to talk it out and get us back together. We got married 18 months ago.... I used to love him before marriage but never got the same feelig back- he was lost in his own world....the night of our marraige , he once again broke his promise and came into my bedroom with the smell of liquor , which I dread. From then on our probs increased, our lifetsyle too was quite hectic , with spending long hours on work, traffic etc. In between all this, initially I used to try to talk to him, about our life, dreams, hopes, aspirations etc....... he would hardly listen---he wud be in his own world, always distratcted and doesnt care for small talks. Gradually I started closing into myself, i stopped talking to him other than customary talks - whenever he drank , not quite often, I wud pick up a fight , bcoz when he drinks , he wud go overboard.
Our fights would last for long and all the time he would take the effort to get back to me . One fine day, on some small issue he slapped me , tat ws the limit and i totally stopped talking to him.My self esteem went down the drain.I was totally hysteric .I wanted to call it quits but then once again our folks tried to talk reason into both of us and we started off again. Slowly I started losing any attachement and respect towards him.
He left his job in between, I supported him completely but wanted him to find a good job where he would be able to take care of me --- he is quite irresponsible with his job as well and this ends him up in a mediocre job which is jus enuf to support his loans..... remianing household, family comitements back home etc etc, I look after. So our financial tensions too added onto our otherwise shifty marriage.
I was a virgin when I had got married and really had been waiting for sharing my life with jus 1 guy. And I am quite free with my emotions on bed-- and do not hold any inhibitions in lovemaking. Compared to my husband, my sexual drive was also initially high. Be it the hectic lifestyle we had , be it the lack of interest my husband had, be it his ignorance in bed, we shared a poor sex life - once in 2 weeks , tat also on a weekend- this was atrocious for a newly married couple.Moreover the lovemaking initially hardly lasted for 15-20 mins. His concept of lovemaking was to undress me, get on top of me and push himself into me - no foreplay, no snuggling, no talking, and then he would turn over and sleep. Gradually I started letting him know that I did not like this - I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to be aroused, I wanted to be loved in bed, I wanted him to talk to me--- since he never knew what to do, I tried to teach him, told him things I liked him to do, told him my fantasies, told him how I feel about his actions etc.... He wud try his hand on it for 2 days and that also not completely--- somehwere along he would leave something incomplete......
I became frustrated , angry and depressed. We shifted our house , thinking the change may help us..... now we lead a lesser hectic life and I tried to revive our sex life in many ways - dressing up seductively ,try out new stuff in bed, go out together, aroma tehrapy etc etc,,,,...but he never reacts to it .... And now I have reached a stage where when he takes the initiate to have sex, my body has stopped responding to him. I dont feel anything when he touches me.... He tries to make love to me --- I HAVE BECOME FRIGID....... and tat for me is totally humiliating and Im not able to take that in......, I tried talking to my husband to try doing things a bit differently but he doesnt know to do anything else on bed than climbing on top of me- I discussed the imp of foreplay, talking, oral sex, etc etc, try out diff positions in bed etc...... ultimately all this goes to a deaf ear. The thought of gratifying myself is also too unbearable to me sometimes. I dream about it in my sleep and that leaves me even more guilty. I have become a nagging and touchy person. I cant stand my husband, I have become so depressed and even suicidal.
I have been wanting to meet a counsellor initially, my husband fixed me up with a psychiatrist and he recommended anti deprss-which I do not wnat to take. Our folks want us to meet a doctor/ counsellor/sexologist etc--and initially I too wanted the same--- but now I have reached a stage , where Im completely fed up with this. I dont love my husband anymore- I dont care what happend to our marriage- Im ready to face things..... I just want to get out of this relationship.