I hate my MIL so much I hate my kids being around her

[NAZKH]

My MIL is main reason for tumultuous marriage. She's created a lot of problems between my husband and I. She is for a different culture so being accepted and welcomed has never happened. There has been so much hurt and pain caused that it's become toxic. My MIL is a widow and a mama's boy - his mother comes to visit for about a month every 6 months from overseas. I think it's easier to forgive someone for what they've done if you don't see them again or have minimal interaction but my husband refuses to barr his mom from visiting. Now it's gotten to a point where I hate my kids interacting with her at all. What can I do to help myself from feeling this way other than getting a divorce.

[Nighthawk61]

Thank you so much, and you're most welcome honey. Always here to chat, I sure hope we can keep in touch and talk about what you can learn from the videos. Friends however far, always help us cope. Women have to  support other women in times of trouble. It's as it should be. Medhelp is a blessing to be sure. Talk to you soon. <><>)

[NAZKH]

Thank you so much my dear Kayannaboo for all kind words and support. Thank you for helping me realize that I need to focus on only my kids, myself and husband and everything else needs to be removed. Thank you for making me realize that I can't throw my family away because of all these emotions. Lots and lots of love to you for taking the time to counsel me and help me through this all. It's really really appreciated. Take care

[Kayannaboo]

The very same to you. Chin up :-)

[NAZKH]

Wow - Nighthwak - I am in awe with the kindness and gratitude shown to me here on this site. I am forever grateful for all the time taken to help me. Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for researching and sending me all this information and helping me heal. Lots of love to you too. Take care.

[Nighthawk61]

Somewhere out there is an answer. Meditate and pray on your finding the answer. Motivate yourself with the knowledge that your kids need you to persevere. Know that leaving your husband will not stop your MIL from seeing your kids, and leaving will only give her what she wants. So give up and stop yourself from thinking that leaving is the answer. You've got work to do. Have fun watching the videos. You're looking for validation, and i think you'll find it in the videos. What you're feeling is real. There is help. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Talk to you soon. Love to you and the family.
\Liz

[Nighthawk61]

See if these videos help. buy yourself a journal, and notes of the points that are suggested.  It's a good start, right?

How to get a thicker skin Youtube videos.

https://www.google.ca/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how%20to%20get%20a%20thicker%20skin%20youtube

How to ignore my MIL Youtube

https://www.google.ca/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how+to+ignore+my+MIL+youtube

[Nighthawk61]

Well, the good news is she' s gone and we can work on you getting into a better place to handle her return. You can get a thicker skin, for sure. It's something that you'll need to work on, but it can and will be done, With help.
Take a few days and relax. and.I'll send you a private message so we can talk.  In the meantime, can you look online for another personal therapist that you can check out. It might be that you need to check out more than one, til you find one that you think is a good fit. i\t won't necessarily be easy, but it is doable. I'm glad shes' gone and you and the family can get back to normal.

I think you need to look at ways to help yourself through meditation and yoga. That's something you can start on. Talk to you soon.

[NAZKH]

My husband is very religious and yes is bound by duty as well. And there is nothing more than I would like than to teach my kids to be tolerate and that they have to deal with all kinds of people so they must be civil and good. I was tolerant, very tolerant for the first week and then it starts getting harder and by the end she's completely broken you down. Even when she left on Monday, I made an effort to do the traditional hug and side cheek kisses and say Goodbye. So even after the effort was made - she was sooo rude and said GOODBYE with such hatred and malice - It's hard to describe the interaction in words. She just left with bitter feelings when I had made an effort to leave on a good note and at least part with good feelings.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for giving me all this support and taking the time to give me your much needed advice. Maybe it's my personality and the unrealistic expectations I have. I generally have low self esteem and coupled with cultural expectations and the way I was brought up , it's been emotionally very exhausting. I was taught to always respect your elders and always be the better person and I think I tried really really hard but got no validation. And when I did get some validation from my family when they saw how she treated me, then I didn't put enough effort and then it was self preservation. It's a lot of malice and disregard for me and I think that is what really gets me. How someone can come to your house and disrespect you and everyone just sits and watches. And it's hard for me to see my kids be around a person who has caused me so much pain.

Yes it's time to change but how do I change my heart. How do I remove all this hate for her? I do work fulltime from home and do  spend a lot of time  and do keep very busy with kids activities in the evenings but the time that I am around her or my kids see her i.e. breakfast/dinner are hard. How do you build thicker skin - how do you insulate yourself and give peace to your soul? How do you forgive when there is no remorse?

[Nighthawk61]

How can a religious person behave the way that she does. My MIL is educated (has a BSc) degree and is only 66 and  so she does know better - I can't blame it on ignorance.

Seriously, with all the people dying in the streets in the name of religion, and you can't blame it on ignorance.??

It is plain and simply IGNORANCE. now you need to learn to deal effectively with ignorance, or you will be the one ultimately responsibly for the problems that keep your kids from peace and serenity. Not their lame obviously ignorant granny lady.

[Nighthawk61]

ife360_dave, she's cause me so much pain and so hurt in the past 15 years that we've married.
So you've tried for 8 years, and have been like this for 7 ? The last 7 years of your kids lives you've allowed this hatred to flourish?
Isn't it time for a change?
Can't you give peace a chance.?

[Nighthawk61]

Anyways, i've given you my best advice for this matter. that i can.
If one door closes (therapy) another opens (the advice you've gotten here). If you cant' use any of it, and don't want to give it a chance, then by all means, dump your marriage and then you have the experience to say that from your experience mixed marriages don't work. Your choice.

[Nighthawk61]

There are also variations to this game plan.

While you do this a few times, in the presence of your kids and your husband,

Treat her like a child. "Mother, would you like some tea?" You get ignored silence. Look her directly in the eye, and say"No, arent 'you feeling well?..etc.

You then change it up. Say "Mother, would you like some tea? You get ignored silence, Look your daughter in the eye and say "Oh that's okay Mother, are you not feeling well?" Let your daughter and son and husband know that you are not afraid, you are doing your level best to be a good mother and wife. and let the chips fall where they will.

What i don't get , is even if this women is in your house, is she always right beside you? it sounds like you can't or don't get away. I've got renters in the top of my house and i manage to stay away from them. This women is not blood related to you, Can you not just do your job as a stay at home mother, and walk away? without insisting that your husband disown the mother that bore him? I think you're asking too much and that it isn't necessary. Yes, it would be nice if he put his arm around you,but he was raised with a cold rude women , what do you expect? Does he do so when she's not around, or is he a bit cold himself to those types of actions. After all a son that never saw a mother and her husband pass hugs and gestures, may not know how , and may not want to if he's made to feel he has to get rid of his mother to make you happy or make you stay.

[Nighthawk61]

Don't play her game. Make your own rules. If after you've tried to let her know that you are open to becoming more civil in the home for the sake of the children and she refuses, Let it go. Be done with it. That doesn't mean that you play her game and ignore a guest in your home. Show your husband and your kids that you are a much bigger women, That you are making the rules. And the rules for any good mother in the home, is to project calm solid inclusion. Call her "mother". "Mother, would you like some more chicken" with a sweet smile on your face. "Mother, i'm making tea, Would you like some?" No answer. Smile, and walk away. Show her up. Make her show others that she's being unreasonable . All your kids see right now, as it stands is A) my mother doesn't know how to deal with unreasonable people; maybe B) my mother is allowing her feud with my grandmother to affect their marriage; C) my mother is ineffective at protecting us from a guest's bad behavior. Kill this witch with kindness. Let her dig her own grave by being rude to you everytime you try to include her. Treat her like a child. "Mother, would you like some tea?" You get ignored silence. Look her directly in the eye, and say"No, arent 'you feeling well? Can I get you anything (and use this very sparingly "Do you want to go lie down" In other words, f off. I'm not going to my room, you go to yours for a change. You get what i'm saying here. Play your own game.

She is not a highly intelligent women, You should be able to get a plan together to put her in her place, if she's as bad as you're making her out to be.

My advice to you, is stop the insanity. Stop crying the blues and blaming your husband for not fighting your battles You gotta work smart, not harder.

[Nighthawk61]

I don't think the biggest part of the problem is that your MIL is a cold stone biatch but rather that you are acting in a passive aggressive manner, because you actually wasted YOUR time on a soulless viper that was incapable of being pleasant, for 8 LONG YEARS. That is not her fault, that was your fault. You should have given up on her long long ago, and put her in her place. She is like a mentally ill family member that refuses meds and is in a constant stage of negativity. This was not your battle. It was not your job to change the  very fiber and being of this women. You were not her mother, or her son. You are the mother of your kids, and your only priority all this time, should have been to teach them how NOT TO LET IMBECILES UNDER THEIR SKIN.

Can't you do this now ? Are you actually seriously going to let her win? and run you off ? and ruin the plan for your family, that works when she's not there.

And before you say again that you're upset that your husband doesn't stick up for her, he was created by this women, and has accepted long ago that she's NOT PERFECT. Believe me he knows. He's just trying to make the best of a bad situation. He was not graced with a loving gracious women as his mother. I wonder how she got under his skin growing up. For some reason, he hasn't felt able to share that with you. It's obvious that he's not happy about her being so rude and cold. He has been controlled by her, because he is her son. What's your excuse? You're not bound by blood?

[Nighthawk61]

I have a son, and i understand that a good mother would want to include the woman as a daughter, and treat her with the same love that she treats her son. A good mother would go out of her way to spread happiness , especially if my contact with my daughter in law was as her long staying guest in her home.

But were not taking about a good mother, are we? You're still not understanding that the issues that your MIL is having with you is actually hurting your husband. Especially if when his mother is not there, you and he get along.

There's only one answer to this dilemma, and that is to step up. Do not talk to your MIL to make your MIL feel better. Talk to your MIL civilly so that your children can say "My grandmother made it so hard for my mother to be civil to her, we saw her time and time again, being cold and rude to my mom, but through it all, my mother was the bigger women. She ignored the rude remarks, and always managed to not be rude to her, so that we could live in a home where we were at least able to see one women acting like a proper and decent women. " do you see where i'm going?

Make your priority to teach your children well. Make their happiness a priority. That's what a good mother does. Why are you acting like she does and letting her change what type of person she is. The fact is that your husband was raised by a selfish women , and maybe because he is a spiritual man, he still wants to do right by his mother. He still wants to turn the other cheek, and be supportive of his mother, even though she is an embarrassment to him. He can't allow himself to say that outloud, but let's face it, she's acting in a way that MUST be an embarrassment to him, especially in front of your folks. Did you say that she acts this way to you in front of your parents?

Also, why are you expecting the children to have a good relationship with their grandmother. Their grandmother is not capable of being a good grandmother to them.  Even if she plays "good grama" to the kids, the fact is that the kids see that she is a witch with you, and they will make their own judgments and know for themselves without you complaining about it , that their grandmother simply, is not a good women. A good women would not act this way, right? Your kids aren't stupid.

I'm closer to 66 than to your age.. I can tell you that it's hard to look in the mirror and see an aging women. A women that is not nearly as beautiful as she once was. This may have something to do with why she's so miserable. On the other hand, you are young and beautiful. If you really really want to get under her skin, and still be a valuable asset to your children, when you're MIL is around, there's a saying "SMILE AND WAVE"

That doesn't mean that you don't go into your room and separate yourself, but it means that it's not healthy for your kids to see that this women has run you out of your own home, and you must resort to hiding in your room . Take some time everyday to spend with your family as usual and take some time for you and the kids in your room with a movie, (where she is obviously not invited" and spend some time for yourself, to be good to yourself with a computer screen and a movie in a bubble bath (this is my go to to recharge) . Smile and laugh with your kids, Include your husband. Let her know that nothing she does is going is ruin your life, or your family life. She's just not worth it. And i know she's trying to portray someone that is better than you, or that you are beneath her, but i'm sorry that is just so much @#$%^!!! and if you buy into that for one second, what are you teaching your children??

I wouldn't let my MIL run me out of my good home, with a husband i otherwise get along with, and children that need their home to stay in tact and happy. NO WAY would l let her win if there was a battle of the minds going on. And the reason is simple. I would have accepted that this is not a good woman, not a good mother. Never mind crying about her not being a good MIL, she's a vile human being, that has no redeeming qualities that i can see. I think it's vile that she's not being supportive of her son's wife. I am the mother of a son and it's been very important for me to treat his first girlfriend in high school like a daughter, his first girlfriend, the first girl he lived with , and now what i call his "wife" (common law), I know that my son loves me so much more and is so much closer to me should i have not acted this way. Your husband is missing so much, having a mother like he does. He had to grow up with that cold women. Don't play into her hands and let her project her vile behavior onto you and cause strife in your otherwise acceptable marriage.

Have you said this to her ? "Let's try and put differences aside for the love of my husband, and my children, and try to be civil. I know from the way that you ignore me, that you don't like me, but maybe we can just try to be civil for the good of the family?"

[NAZKH]

Thank you Kayannaboo.  I have a mom too and am a mother so I understand the bond between mother and child.  But how can one expect to love their son but hate their DIL? She's only hurting her own son and how can she expect a good relationship with her grand children when she hates her DIL.  How can a religious person behave the way that she does. My MIL is educated (has a BSc) degree and is only 66 and  so she does know better - I can't blame it on ignorance. I don't understand how one's hatred can increase as you get older. One's love is supposed to increase and you're supposed to be more kind, tolerant and wiser - yet the only thing she seems to focus on is how wrong everyone is and how right she is.
If she said something like "Let's try and put differences aside for the love of my son and your husband and children and lets work together" I would be ok. But this woman didn't even congratulate me when my daughter was born, ignores me on the table and that I am invisible, didn't talk to me when my parents came to visit and when she just left - made it clear that she contempt and malice for me. I've done nothing to her. For 8 years I tried so hard to please her and nothing at all would - she had issues with everything and then I stopped when she made it clear that I did not exist in the room. That was invisible - my presence stopped being acknowledged and that continues to be the case now.

[Kayannaboo]

Your duties as a daughter-in-law are simple: love yourself, love your children, love your husband. You have no obligation to this woman. The biggest BIGGEST challenge you face right now, is to get into a zone where it is all about your family and yourself, not some mother-in-law. Everyone wants to be liked and there is a special desire to be liked by your partner's family. It is the age old yearning of a person, both males and females. However, there is a line drawn, a well-defined line actually; never EVER try to please any member of a person's family. The truth is-- they are not YOUR family. Their loyalties will always lie with your partner in the same way that YOUR family's loyalties will forever lie with you. You did not have to do a thing for this woman to not like you. Some mothers find it extremely difficult to let go of their sons and despise the person who "took them away." Therefore, you cannot please them because the issue is not you, it is THEM. They feel protective of their sons and feel no other female can love them the way they do. They are not all like this but unfortunately your MIL is.

[NAZKH]

One of the things we talked in therapy was that my husband had to show love for me in front of his mother like put his arm around me and show affection - he was not able to do this. I don't quite recall the reason why but in my opinion I think it's because he knows his mother does not like me and it would be hurting her. It's very hard for people to accept an outsider let alone from a different culture. We left couples therapy with 2 things - he go see an individual male therapist and I seek treatment for depression. He went for 2 sessions of therapy and stopped - his reason was that he was travelling for work more often and was unable to continue.

I think after 16 years of marriage - it's getting too much more. Maybe my tolerance is wanning, maybe it's that she's getting older and is getting needier and wants more attention and therefore nastier. All around it's hard - things are fine when she's not here but when she is, it's like I don't even recognize the person my husband is.

[Nighthawk61]

I understand... how would i feel if i felt my husband did not validate my feelings? probably like i was in the wrong marriage. Did the therapy try to get him to be more supportive? i mean you must have talked in depth about the problems that you feel are happening with your MIL, and did he not agree and refuse to go to any more therapy?

[NAZKH]

Nighthawk, I have no family in the USA.

My husband and I met at the company we both worked for through common friends.  We were in different department and introduced by colleagues. That was 16 years ago. He's from the Middle East and I am from Kenya. My parents still live in Kenya. We are from 2 different cultures. He's been in the USA since he was 17 as he came as a student and went to boarding school here on a scholarship. He stayed on and found a job after graduating college. My MIL is a window. My husband's father died when he was 16 and was in boarding school here.

Similarly I came to the USA to study on an academic scholarship, got an internship and met my future husband and stayed on. I was young - 23 years - you are fascinated by a different culture have an idealistic view of the world - your view your marriage as a union in combating cultural and racial stereotypes but it ended up I feel being quite the opposite. A lot of pain, prejudice and hurt. A lot of hurt. In many ways if I knew what I knew now, I would never have married my husband. I do have 2 incredibly beautiful and smart young daughters - they are 7 and 4 now. Life comes with many challenges but when you tackle those challenges with love and support then you feel then the journey may be hard but easier to get through. My husband provides no validation and no support when it comes to his mother. Tried 2 marriage therapists, emails, talking through this all with him and he just can't provide it. I think if I heard "yes, this is a very difficult time, have patience and I am sorry that my mother treats you like this" then it would be easier to hold on. But now I feel I can't do this anymore. It's emotionally taking a toll on my soul and don't have the peace I am looking for. Lots of questions for myself on what I will do and how I feel and contemplating what to do. Divorce comes to mind but then I wonder What life would I provide for my daughters as a single mother. We live in a beautiful house and thankfully have a good life.

[Nighthawk61]

Does your family live near you ?

[Nighthawk61]

He chose you to be his wife he doesn't think you are beneath her  or he wouldn't have married you,

Learn to compartmentalize. Separate you from the problem. Get your head out of that game. Your MIL is projecting, she feels inadequate to you. You have taken her boy away from her to another country away and she probably resents you for it. Could that be a possibility ? How did you and he get together and make the decision to live away from his mother ?

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your support Nighthawk61. My MIL is only 66 but loves playing wounded warrior - I think she will be around a longggg time so it makes it hard to tolerate the situation. Thanks for your support and understanding. May we all be blessed with peace and love in our lives.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your response. I have 2 young daughters so I don't understand the dynamics between a mother and son. But I do know that more than anything it comes down to love and how you are treated. I think you will make a wonderful MIL because you understand that if you have want good relations with your grand children and son then your DIL has to be respected and shown some love. At the end of the day all I want is peace in my heart and a husband that can show some validation and love. Life is short and these hardships make it very difficult to find peace and serenity.

[NAZKH]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the kind words. It's hard but support from this group helps.