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11170796 tn?1417131310

I think I'm abused by my parents...

So I don't really know.
I never consider my parents as abusive, mostly for the reason that there always seems to be someone who's had it much worse. I've just kind of dealt with it and thought it was normal all my life, and well, maybe it is... I just can't tell anymore.

I'm writing this after an argument with my mother. When I got home from school, she came in my room, sat down, and told me she was worried about me being depressed. I have been, but I'd never tell her that. Whenever I tell my parents anything, they somehow always turn it back around on me. But anyway, the whole "worried mother" facade quickly disappeared and she wouldn't let me leave until I told her what I was thinking.

This women has pinned me down on my bed, shaken and smacked me across my face before.
She's also grabbed me by the throat, with her sharp nails in my neck, and held me up against a wall and let me struggle to breathe while she screamed at me. I was around 6 years old.
She has thrown glasses, bottles, spatulas, screwdrivers, toys, and various other items at me and my brother, sometimes hitting us.
As I got older, she would shove me against a wall, hard enough to bruise me. She's slammed my leg in a car door, a few years ago. Recently, she hasn't done anything, I think because she knows I could beat her easily in a physical fight.

My father is impossible to understand. One minute, he'll be the only source of comfort I have, and then the next thing I know, he'll make my life hell.
In the past, when I neglected to clean my room, he would throw me by my neck to the floor, and then proceed to literally tear apart my room. He would empty every drawer, shelf, and bin into the center of the floor, (usually breaking things in the process), and then demand that it be completely spotless within an hour. If I didn't meet this goal, he'd not only hit me, but take away everything I had, whether it be my privilege to play outside, go to a friends house, listen to music, text a friend; anything I had was his to take. It sounds fair, but it left me completely isolated from anyone I could possibly vent to. I was always terrified of him... I never could seem to meet his expectations. I always got punished, no matter what I did, in very much the same way that my mother punished me.

They've both been dictators about what I say to my friends, too.
If I ever texted a friend about any of this, and they somehow saw the message, they'd make sure I regretted it.
If I ever said anything they didn't like, I was in trouble. All of my interactions with anyone and everyone were very closely watched. They have my wifi on a timer so it turns off at night, and I don't even have a cell anymore. Because of this, I couldn't really ever make friends, and eventually I just became very islolated and hopeless.

Now that I'm older, I know how to do things behind their back, and they don't physically hurt me anymore (for the most part), but they still treat me so inferior, and get mad when I don't love them as much as they want me to... I don't what to do anymore, honestly. I get so depressed about the fact that I CAN'T love them, I can't feel safe with them, and I can't enjoy being with them, even when things are good.

I hate living like this, but I don't know what to do, if anything at all.
7 Responses
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11170796 tn?1417131310
It's more of a two-sided thing. Neither I or my parents are the first to start something, but somehow a simple conversation can turn into a heated argument at the drop of a hat, in my house.

I don't understand their motives for talking to me about my depression, honestly. It's definitely not a heart felt, genuine concern though. It goes from, "What's going on with you lately?", to, "You're wrong to feel that way. You're just negative, selfish, and ungrateful."
At that point I just want to be alone, but they rarely ever drop the subject until I'm in tears while trying to explain myself.

I don't think it's worth going to CPS or the authorities, honestly. More than anything, I just want an adult to be able to trust. They seem to be hard to find.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with Specialmom.  

I saw another post from you mentioning you are having issues with your moods.  Are you getting violent with them first and then they are defending themselves from you?  Are you receiving psychological help?

If you do indeed feel this is totally out of control and you can't live with this anymore then you should be talking to the authorities; CPS..........let them investigate what is going on in your home.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't condone violence at all!  But sometimes gather there is more to a story or things are displayed in such a way that it would appear that it is all 'them'.  

Do you feel they physically abuse you?  

I had a mother who was tough on the room cleaning thing.  She didn't believe that my room was my room because it was in her house.  I was still expected to keep it like the rest of the house.  It was constant conflict.  At the time it felt so unfair . . .   as an adult looking back, boy was I a brat about it!  

So, I'm not sure if the above foks are right or not.  I really don't know.  You are the only person that knows.  I have heard many stories by teens that are abused and you tell a story that doesn't give me the same feel.  You share some bad moments that crossed the line but not all of it is abuse. You say your dad is often there for you and your supporter.  You say your mom is checking in with you to talk about depression.  These are clues that I felt like meant that there is another side.  

Lots of kids have imperfect parents that mess up.  Only you know if this is crossing the line to abuse or not.  Perhaps talking to a school counselor would be your best route.  good luck
Helpful - 0
11170796 tn?1417131310
I'm not a perfect child by far, but I really try to do as they say, and yeah, I screw up. A lot. I dont complain about the things I deserved to get

This is why I'm so confused about how to feel about it, you say that' it's perfectly normal, while other commenters say that it's not.

Just don't know what to think
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with RockRose.  I'm not going to say you're the perfect child because I don't know you, but that hardly matters here.  What does is the fact you are being shoved, hit, yelled at, and thrown things at.  That's not ok.  These are "heat of the moment" actions that show a huge lack of control and anger management issues.

"Heat of the moment" is abuse to me.  You have to step back as a parent just as you would an individual upset at a spouse or a friend.  You don't just grab, hit, and push just because you're the authority figure.  Spanking is one thing.  Spanking is quite different from abuse.  You take a step back to calm down then explain to the child what they did wrong and why it was wrong, then let them know their punishment is whatever it is.  You limit yourself and are in control of everything so that it doesn't go further than what it should.  What your parents are is out of control, heat of the moment sort of actions that have led to pain and bruising on your part, injury.

It's not ok for your dad to empty all your drawers and then EXPECT you to have it done in one hour.  That's unrealistic expectations there and it is a fit of rage leading him to do so.  I don't care how rebellious someone might be, disrespecting them in such a fashion then demanding respect and obedience is not right.

Yes, this is emotional and physical abuse.  I agree with RockRose that it's probably not worth going to foster care over, but it is definitely worth distancing once you're 18 so you can lead a healthy life without this in your life.  It's harder to distance yourself the longer you're in it, but once you see abuse for what it is, it's easier to do so.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I see this differently.  Your parents sound crazy and out of control.  I can't imagine a grown man with a normal mature attitude going in your room in a rage and throwing things out of drawers and screaming at you,  your mother slamming your leg in a car door and throwing bottles and screwdrivers at you is out of control and unacceptable parenting behavior.

I don't know that this is worth going to foster care over,  but it's certainly worth distancing yourself once you're 18 and trying to live a stable life without this rageful behavior.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, first let me direct you to med helps teen forums.  I think you'll get more support there and it would be a good place for you to post.  

I read what you wrote and will tell you that I look at this as a mother myself.  And I know the difficulty of 16 year olds who think they are adult like in their thinking or know so much about life when in reality, they have MUCH to learn.  And that dynamic of thinking they know all mixed with basically still being a child can be very frustrating for a parent.  You describe a mother that has some self control issues and I'd describe her as 'rough' but not abusive.  While I don't condone physical violence, many parents still spank and such and grab their kids with force, etc. and they are in the heat of the moment which is different than beating them or torturing them, etc.  You tell one side of the story but my guess is that you were right in the thick of those altercations being either defiant or disobedient and pushing her buttons.  Again, I don't condone physical violence but I don't think this is a 'call social services' moment,

And the fact that she cares about you is evident by her trying to talk to you about depression.  It's not a façade because WHO is she trying to impress when it is just the two of you?  No one. She's checking in.  Maybe she's earned less of a right to as you don't seem to get along great with her but as your mother, she did the right thing by trying to talk to you.

Parenting doesn't come with a license and most do the best they can. Your mom is probably trying to do the best she can.  And she is the best ally you'll ever have.  You don't see it now but a mother's love does not compare to anyone elses.

Other than throwing you to the floor, the other things your dad did were appropriate.  He's allowed to rip your room apart (stripping rooms of everything is a technique used by parents who have children who will not obey), grounding you (absolutely appropriate), taking your wi fi, phone, etc.  Those are all things that they GIVE you.  You have no right to them unless you are doing as they say.  

That's the parent/child relationship.  I'm hoping for much more peace in my home when my child is a teenager but the tale you tell is one that is as old as time.  They have control over you . . .   but they give you everything they have.  Their job is to care for you, TEACH you, guide you and to love you. A home without discipline is one that has chaos.  

so, I don't know how far the cross the line but much of what you talk about doesn't seem extreme other than when they've physically pushed you or as you say, knocked you to the floor.  

Life is hard.  Right now as a kid, your life is easy.  Trust me, it gets harder when you are out on our own.  Right now, you just need to try to get along with your parents, appreciate what they DO for you an get yourself in a position to be a functioning adult some day.  Go to school, get good grades, learn to care for yourself (like cleaning up after yourself) are parts of learning how to be an adult.  

so, focus on what they do right.  That's my best advice.  And try to do as they say as they aren't asking unreasonable things.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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