I think my girlfriend cheated on me with a good friend of mine

Question

I'm 22, girlfriend is 24. We've been together for 2 years and over 1 month. My girlfriend has been experiencing extreme depression for the past 8 months. For the past over 2 months she has been having to be an unpaid caretaker for her dying grandmother and do seemingly 50 different jobs with very little assistance. That plus her depression has made her almost untolerable.

We both have narcissistic parents. With all of these factors in mind, she is left with not only very, very little time to spend with me per day but also completely drained. It's like she has lost who she was and doesn't even know how she truly feels any more because of the little time she has for herself. Her family is extremely draining for the both of us. Ever since she started experiencing extreme depression she has taken it out on me at least once a week for the past 5 months at completely random times. On top of that her insecurity is through the roof because of the weight that she has gained. All of this gets taken out on me and I've been on the recieving end of this abuse for quite a while now.

A year ago I was experiencing extreme depression as well. I have overcame that this year and have since become or at least have been trying to, become more positive. It's been quite a struggle, since I have narcissistic parents who will occasionally put me down in many ways but I'm positive right as I type this. It's been quite a battle.

So my girlfriend deals with her end and I have to deal with mine. We barely have time for each other and when we do talk or hang out, I have to cater to her. I have to dismiss my own feelings so I can be there for her. It ***** and it has gotten to its boiling points.

Because of this, I wound up becoming friends with a girl from a friend circle of mine. To prevent adding stress to my insecure, depressed, and stressed out girlfriend I held off for a week after becoming friends with this girl to tell her. And when I did tell her, she flipped and went nuts. Automatically assumed I was cheating on her with this girl, stuff like that. SHE WOUND UP ADDING HER AND TALKING TO HER. I told her to not do so, and she still insisted. I took great offense to this since not only did she not trust me but she was walking all over my respect.

So I needed space from her. She re-added the girl and added a guy-friend of mine. I told her not to do so, she still persisted. She did this out of lack of trust. It's just, I don't know. I shouldn't be dealing with this. My girlfriend was never like this before and I only hope she won't be like this forever. The abuse and belittling she has given me along with the signs of little amounts of respect she has, it's too much for me to handle. 

She wound up talking to the guy friend of mine for 4 days. Two of those days she felt suspicions of him liking her. They wound up speaking on Skype, which was for only 90 minutes while he was streaming a videogame and he went on her computer through teamviewer. She, from what she told me 'called him out on liking her and he flipped out because of her loyalty to me and frustration in general'. He wound up removing me in the process as well as a number of others apparently. I had a nervous breakdown when she told me about all of this. I re-added him, and we haven't really spoke since. All he told me about the situation is that he 'removed her fairly quickly, no offense'. 

I went 6 days without contact to any friends or my girlfriend. We talked again and things were fine and happy. Then last Friday I got a bit paraonid about the both of them and asked my girlfriend if they texted or emailed each other. She replies "No" and I tell her "you can be honest with me" ".....well we texted". I flipped. I call her out on lying to me about this and she repeatedly tried shifting the blame to me and belittling me, putting me down, changing topic, etc. She wouldn't accept nor confront the fact that she lied to me.

She told me she said no because:
-she was testing me
-she wasn't finished talking and that I interrupted her


And just kept trying to shift blame towards me. Then she goes and tells her parents, of whom I'm on great terms with and have made arrangements to live with my girlfriend, that I'm not planning to live with her any more and that we've broken up. 

Since then I gave her short replies, constantly tried going back on topic to make her admit to lying to me. Still persists. So since then, I have gone no contact with her. 

She left me messages the morning after reading "maybe I never felt the need to tell you about texting him because one I never did anything wrong and didn't cheat. 2 I forgot we ever did text. reason I say that is because I get mixed up with talking to him on my kindle and my cell. it happens."


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She has played so many cards and has come up with so many excuses. I need your help bad. I'm slowly going insane. And I believe she cheated on me. I still have contact with this guy but haven't acted on really talking to him since I readded him. Please, provide me and my relationship with some much needed assistance. It took alot to type all of this and I'm in a very desperate situation. 

What do I do?


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tl;dr:
-GF and I been together for 2 years and 1 month
-GF has major depression while dealing with familial related stress and time being consumed being an unpaid caretaker and doing tireless work that nurses and her whole family should be doing and is losing her collective mind
-takes it out on me occasionally
-I sacrificed my own feelings for her to alleviate stress and provide comfort
-to focus on my own feelings I made friends with a girl in a friend circle of mine
-gf loses her mind and assumes I'm cheating
-I'm not cheating
-gf adds her and a guy friend of mine
-take space from gf and ask her to not talk to these friends
-she doesn't listen
-she talks to guy-friend for 4 days
-2 of which she felt suspicions of him liking her
-they added each other on steam, skype, and texted each other
-she tells me about everything but the texting 2 weeks ago and I have a nervous breakdown
-I ask if they texted Friday night
-she says "No"
-I dig and she admits they texted
-I call her out on lying about it just then and she comes up with 100s of excuses and attempts at switching the focus, belittles me, calls me names, assumes I cheated
-I persist
-she tells parents we're not together any more and cancels plans of me living together with her

nursegirl6572 · Answer

Ditto the above.  I was going to mention your befriending the girl also.  Even IF there was truly nothing but a friendship there, you doing so was extremely heartless, considering what you acknowledge is going on with your GF (her being depressed, feeling insecure).  You were dishonest yourself, as you waited a week to tell her, and then things kind of blew up from there.

She's got a LOT on her plate quite frankly, and to be honest, it sounds like you're more concerned about YOU than you are about her.  No doubt she sounds like she's been a real challenge at times as well....but I think you definitely shoulder half the blame for the way this relationship has gone.

MY advice would be to severe ties and have both of you move on.  Sounds like a drama filled, toxic situation for the both of you.

Good luck!

Life360_Dave · Answer

Hi also, men dont develop female friends when they have a girlfriend. Your girl is a very loving person helping her grandmother through her dying days. It appears that all this drama is too much for you and maybe you should reconsider being involved with her if its affecting your mental state.

specialmom · Answer

I agree with the other two ladies.  I will also say that your 'new' friendship with a woman is something that I find the timing of a bit suspicious.  I know you say you were just 'friends' but it was a vulnerable time in your relationship.  Could there have been more there on your part?  Was your girlfriend's reaction while over the top something you kind of 'get' as in you didn't tell her right away?  

I have no new guy friends that I add or talk to or whatever as I'm a married woman.  Guy friends that I have are the males that my husband is friends with or men that are husbands to my girlfriends.  And even with that, we'd never go hang out alone together or would I call them to chit chat in the middle of the day or vice versa.  At a certain point in a relationship, you are friendly with the opposite sex but true friends?  Not sure about that and that you chose this at this difficult time between the two of you is telling to me.  

Now, when you discuss how busy she is and with no time for herself---  I do feel badly for her.  it takes a great deal of compassion to deal with a dying relative and the caregiving that requires.  Most likely this is a temporary situation though as the woman will pass (since you describe her as dying).  I know that your description sounded like me when my kids were tiny and I was in the midst of two toddlers.  I had really no time for me.  That's part of life.  We do go through periods in which we have to care for someone and it is a big responsibility.  It may make us a little depressed or sad or we may lose ourselves but it is important to have a supportive partner and learn to deal with this.   I PROMISE you this won't be the only time in your girlfriends life in which she will be putting others before herself and you need to support her.

I also think it is a bit unfair that you say "come on, you can be honest with me" and then she is and you get mad at her.  You were dishonest yourself with that because, no.  She couldn't be honest with you.  She should not have been talking to the friend if that is the agreement but you tricked her and then got mad at her after making her feel it was okay to be honest.  

Now, I think you two are really young and just figuring life out which is normal.  Just give yourself time and be forgiving with one another as you work things out.  Otherwise, this probably won't last.  

Hang in there.  You sound sweet and again, like you are learning about life.  It takes time and some people never get on a good path.  I have hope for you!  peace

Chima7 · Answer

There is no relationship here, it's just two people flinging accusations at each other and generally perpetuating drama at every turn. I am having trouble understanding why you're so upset that you won't be living with her anymore because, frankly, after everything that has happened, why would you even want to? She sounds like she is generally not very pleasant to be around and all of this stuff about her trying to mack on your friend on Skype is totally lame. If you were smart, you'd dump her and find someone who isn't so drama ridden. She sounds insufferable and I don't think I'd want to spend two minutes with her, much less move in with her like you seem to still want to do for some odd reason. Other people have dumped their girlfriends for a lot less than this. I think you could learn a thing or two from them.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

I agree with TQG, this relationship has problems that cannot be handled without honest communication, and as your girl is lying as a way of responding, nothing can go ahead in a good way. Now is not the time to move in with her. It doesn't sound like that's what she wants or she would not have told her parents that you weren't moving in so quickly, and before you and her talked about it and came to that conclusion together. Life does put road blocks in our way, but in a good relationship people will be drawn together to get though them. It sounds like that's what you were trying to do, to be compassionate and understanding. You best effort did not bring her closer to you, instead she strayed further from you. That's not appreciating you. I don't know , maybe it's partly a two way street, You chose to befriend another girl, and her your friend. The thing is that maybe it 's not the right timing for you two. just now. I'm so sorry to hear your pain from what's happening. and i truly hope things get better. Maybe it's time for you both to take a break, and date others. You can always get back together, at a later date. You're young and suppose to be enjoying the company of others. Not being drawn into negative patterns leaned from your family of origin. Best of luck. Keep your head up. Keep Smiling Friend. Let us know how things are going.

thatquietgirl · Answer

This situation has all sorts of red flags, but the number one thing to me is that neither of you trust each other.  Without trust, there is no relationship.

Other red flags are the abuse and naturally, the way she's handled this whole situation with the guy.  (Going behind your back is a HUGE red flag.)  I'm sorry but there is no excuse for her actions.  The second or so time she blew up at you because of her situation she should have realized how horribly she was treating you and addressed it in therapy and apologized to you and begun working on the behavior.   Yelling?  Taking things out on?  That's not healthy.  And if that's her way of dealing with things, just imagine how much worse it can get.  

Real communication is shut off when people yell at each other.  Frustrations grow and resentment builds.

Honestly, if she's willing to just cut you off like that, lie to you, and tell her parents you are no longer planning to live together and that you are broken up, I'd let it be.  As much as it hurts and as much as it *****, I really would let it go.  

If you do pursue her, don't let her walk all over you.  Address the issues and let her know you won't stand for the emotional/verbal abuse and will not simply sit there and take it.  If you can get couples counseling to deal with the trust issues, please do.  We teach people how to treat us, and if you simply let this go to make things work, you're teaching her she can do whatever she wants because you're just going to want her around badly enough you'll let it go.  You'll also slowly be letting resentment build up.  You'll squash this instance down and move on, but a few more times down the road, it'll all come out.