I think we moved too fast and are living like a married couple, yet not married - what do I do?

[skyzlimit]

To start with, I love my boyfriend very much.  We began dating 2 wks after a moved to a new city after a rocky 3 yrs. getting my life back together again after a previous bad breakup.  I decided to move to Pittsburgh after completing a Master's Degree to begin life over again, get established, find a job and regain independence - but then I met a man who I fell in love with.  After about 8 mos. of working as a temp in a job I hated and borrowing money to pay for rent that was too high my boyfriend asked me to move in with him instead of finding another apartment.  By this time I was sick of Pittsburgh (and originally planned to only give it a year, if it didn't work there I would move on - probably to someplace near the ocean so I could get back into the job I had before Grad School - working as a SCUBA instructor).  Anyhow, I agreed and moved in with my boyfriend who is financially stable.  My temp job as a Customer Service Rep for benefits processing was really beginning to wear on me, as well as the long hours, bus commute and living in an apartment with all my stuff still in the garage due to not having space or ample time to incorporate it into "our" apartment - which is expensive and I can't even afford half the rent.  

I ended up having a breakdown and had to go to a mental facility where I stayed a week.  My boyfriend stuck by my side.  For months prior I was having outbursts and depression.  Emotionally I am doing OK now.  I quit my job 2 months ago and my boyfriend is fully financially supporting us and is OK with it.  I just feel like  such a loser.  I do a lot of work around the house and clean, I also cook dinners every night and work out.  It should be perfect - only I am living a life that I am OK with - but not like this - not as a girlfriend.  I don't want to be negative, but I can't help seeing the underlying instability of this situation.  He can leave me at anytime and I would just have to pack up and leave.  I am 32, and I want a husband and children.  I understand that he doesn't want to get engaged since I did have emotional instability and our relationship went through a lot.  It's been over a year, and I just don't know if maybe too much has happened negatively in our relationship because of me for him to ever be confident enough to propose to me.  

I don't feel right living like a wife - yet being a girlfriend.  In the least it would be nice to at least be engaged - at least then I think I would feel a little more stable that he truly does want to spend his life with me and is not simply enjoying having me around since I am there for him when he needs me there.  His schedule is long hours - and I just don't know what to do.  Do I stay and wait or do I move on and find myself and see if I can make it in this world independantly so that I have that stability knowing if all else fails I can still support and take care of myself?  I brought this up with my boyfriend, but he got upset and said I am thinking negatively and this builds a barrier and makes marriage more unlikely.  

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  It does strike me how all of your plans for your OWN life have been thwarted.  I don't blame that on your boyfriend but see that you yourself didn't follow through.  I'd say that this could be part of your depression.  

What are you doing about your depression?  I hope that you are still being treated for this because episodes of depression are indicative of what is to come.  If an episode is severe, it is likely that you will battle depression on and off your entire life as well as if you have more than one episode of depression, you'll likely have more.  Statistics say that anyway (every situation is different).  But you should be working with a psychiatrist and definately a therapist.  Hopefully you are taking medication that is working.  I say this because I think untreated mental health issues really hinder us in life from making good choices.

I agree with AnnieBrooke 100%.  You need to continue on with your own career even if it requires schooling or some things that you do not love the idea of doing.  Not because you aren't married to your boyfriend but for you.  To be all you can be.  To give you a sense of accomplishing what you once set out to do.  And YES--------- for your protection down the road.  It is prudent to be trained in something and have solid work experience just in case we need it.  

If you do not want to move to do this, do it where you are at.  But do it.

I will say in all honesty, I don't know too many stay at home wives with no kids . . .  most able bodied women I know work prior to having kids.  But that is my world.  I'm just saying that even if you are married, the idea of housewife (with no kids) is not really the norm these days in my observation.  I'm not telling you not to do this-----------  that is for you to decide but I wouldn't say that the issue is  NOT JUST that you're not married.

And yes, I would consider how vulnerable and dependent you make yourself on someone that you are not married to.

I do wish you luck.  Maybe he is the right guy for you but that doesn't mean you stop working on your own ambitions.    

[AnnieBrooke]

Boyfriend's reaction makes him sound kind of like a manipulator who wants his sex, meals and clean house and wants nobody(you most of all) to rock the boat.

In your shoes, I'd go forward with the plan to move somewhere near the ocean and go back to your scuba instructor job.  If he really cares about making you his wife, he'll come find you and ask you to come back, but I'll bet he doesn't.  Sorry to be blunt.  But even if he doesn't, you'll like your life a lot, and will be solid and on your own two feet, and happy.