Guilt 2 Years After Affair

[mbell608]

I am not sure who to talk to about this.  Two and a half years ago, my husband and I started having issues. We had been married four years, and I was not sure if I wanted to be married anymore.  I told him this and he said he wanted to fight for us, but we started growing apart and decided on a trial separation.  During that time, an old boyfriend had contacted me and we started talking and had lunch.  I told my husband about all of this.  But one evening I made the mistake of meeting him after work, and we ended up having unprotected sex.  This happened one other time about a month later.  I felt sick and horrible about what I had done and I dont want to ever make excuses, but I think I did it because I liked feeling like someone wanted me.  Well, my husband and I had a series of long talks over a weekend a few weeks later and decided to try and fight for our marriage.  He didnt want to, but I saw a therapist to work on my issues.  I also broke things off with my ex when we decided to stay together.  Then two months after that, I found out I was pregnant.  I was so scared, but fortunately based on the timing I knew it was my husband's.  I also had an HIV test and STD test and everything was ok.  I had my son and things seemed to be going great.  I started having horrible depression and anxiety and felt so out of control from the guilt- I thought about suicide, running away, convinced myself the test was wrong and I had an STD or HIV, started throwing up again ( I was bulemic in high school).  When my son was 6 months old I discovered I was pregnant again- I had all the tests again and everything was good (this was about a year and a half after the affair).  My husband of course noticed my depression even though I fought it as hard as I could for my kids.  I finally told him everything.  He forgave me and said he trusted me to not ever do anything like that again.  I had a beautiful daughter six months ago and thought that I could finally move on.  But, I am still crippled with anxiety and depression, I have panic attacks all the time and think every cough I have means that I caught HIV because I think I deserve to be punished. I am even on antidepressants and felt better for a bit but now its all back again.  I dont know what to do- I have gotten good at hiding it and I do have happy moments, especially with my sweet kids, but I cant quit hating myself.  I know this all sounds crazy, but I was just googling a place where i could talk about this and was hoping maybe someone else had been in a similar place.... Also to clarify one thing, I thought about it but would never actually commit suicide, I could not do that to my children and family.  I just want the pain and anxiety to go away...I know I brought this on myself by being weak but I genuinly feel like a different and better person who has learned so much.  My husband and i are stronger than ever, I adore him and KNOW this would never happen again.  Thanks so much for listening....

[mbell608]

I was searching through posts about guilt and affairs, etc...and I do have to say that I do not agree with the 'once a cheater' statement...as a previous poster stated, I also know people who have made a mistake once, for whatever reason, despite loving their partner/spouse, and have never done it again.  Also, I just feel the need to point out- this woman mentions that she and her husband were separated...some may say that is not cheating... I am not saying that I agree or think it is OK to do that, just pointing out that is very different...if my fiance went behind my back and cheated on me then came home and acted like everything was great in our relationship, I would not forgive him...but if we took a break because we were having issues, I would forgive him for sleeping with someone else.  I also know what it is like to deal with mental health issues...and while I do not think that should ever be used as an excuse, it does sometimes cause very irrational and impulsive behavior.  I am new to this forum but I really think people should try to not be too judgmental...it is easy to just lable this lady as a cheater, but I am sure we have ALL made mistakes- hurt someone either intentionally or unintentionally, stolen something, lied, etc., etc. That does not mean that someone cannot learn from a mistake and not repeat that behavior.  If a drug addict can live clean for the rest of their life (and some do), then I think someone who cheats once can learn from that mistake.  And making such a terrible mistake does not mean you dont love someone- there are lots of ways a loved one can be hurt, and Im sure we are all guilty of hurting someone.  

Anyways like I said, I think this lady has some issues she needs to address, but it really does sound like she wants to move on and recognizes her terrible mistake.  I think that she did a terrible thing, but I dont think she deserves to hate herself forever for it.  I am a big believer of "people in glass houses should not throw stones" so please dont criticze others unless you are perfect and have never in your life committed a sin!

Sorry, this just reminded me of someone dear to me and hit home!

[specialmom]

Hi, I'm not arguing with you brock.  I'm asking that we try not to generalize and have never given advice based on gender only but rather the specific situations presented in the post.  You seem to reference me with some familiarity although you are new.  

to the poster, I think the advice to look into your emotional state is really great.  Guilt is actually a symptom of depression and perhaps that is part of what is going on.  Therapy can be very helpful in sorting that out.  good luck to you.  

[brock2222]

If this was a man we were speaking of, your advice would be much different. In this case the poster she was a cheat, she must live with her actions. What happens if she needs to feel "wanted" down the road. She will resort to what she knows.

[specialmom]

Cheating happens for a variety of reasons and the best thing is to not generalize.  Once a cheat always a cheat is another generalization and it would be best if we stayed away from these on the forum.  thank you

[brock2222]

There are also plenty of stories here in which people see their relationships end due to guilt caused by infidelities. If "cheating does not equate necessarily to not loving one's partner", what exactly does cheating mean then.
This woman is feeling guilty because of her actions, she should not have to live with it for life, but had she thought of the consequences prior to committing adultery, she would not be in this state as we speak. You normally give some decent advise, but you are way off base this time.

[specialmom]

Oh, that is not necessarily true--- once a cheater always a cheater.  Many stories here in which people recover their relationships after infidelity through hard work.  Some really do love their spouses but have other reasons for cheating.  Cheating does not equate necessarily to not loving one's partner.  

I agree with the advise to consider medication and therapy.  Lots of luck dear.  it's hard, really really hard.

[brock2222]

Once a cheater always a cheater. You did it before you will likely do it again. If you really loved your husband you would not have done this in the first place.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with RockRose and AnnieBrooke.  I too, recommend therapy and medication.
I understand that You would feel guilt about the old boyfriend, but

#1 You and Your Husband were separated at the time.  
#2 You told Your Husband and He has forgiven You
#3 You should be able to forgive YourSelf.

I too think there is something more going on with You (maybe in Your guilt You punish YourSelf for wrongdoing) and it probably does date back to before the bulimia.
When one stays depressed or stressed for a long period of time the brain actually goes through chemical changes and creates an imbalance that SSRI's can put right again.  This I know is true!

and
AnnieBrooke is correct that exercise benefits depression and stress.  This too, I know is true.

You deserve to feel better about YourSelf and Your Family will benefit as well.
Good Luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree with RockRose, and would stay with counseling, in your shoes.  Talk to your therapist about SSRIs and see if you can get a good exercise program going.  (Exercise beats antidepressants in testing.)  Take care, you can do this and if you get good medical help, you WILL feel better.

[Life360_Dave]

To me, part of understanding why we feel things, as in your situation, is that we dont see the big picture of what life is really all about. We are all individuals no matter who we marry or are involved with. No matter how much we try, no matter much we love or are being loved, we are still me.
My mom has lost 3 husbands to disease and at 90 has a new boyfriend. People come and go in our lives but when the dust settles there will be one person there when the smoke clears and it will be you!

Relationships are not a natural occurance in nature but is something created by society and religion. Some countries allow more than one wife and others more than one husband. In this country we make a vow to God and eachother and this is where guilt stems from in your case.

Your husband has forgiven you and God as also forgiven you. I believe both God and your husband want you to forgive yourself. If your not willing to do it for yourself, then do it for them so you can bring joy and happyness back to the family you have created.

[RockRose]

mbell,  I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I think maybe you might consider the bigger picture.  You believe you have self-loathing and anxiety and depression because of this affair.

I think it's possible you have generalized anxiety and depression due to brain chemical imbalance.  And additionally,  in your life you had an affair but that didn't cause your brain chemical imbalance.  

Since you had bilumia before in life,  it seems to me your problems don't stem from an affair.  They stem from brain chemicals.

Best wishes.