Avatar universal

I'm 17 and He's 35, we're in love should my past matter?

I met him when I was 16 and He was 34. We have been together for 6 months it'll be 7 months in two days and we are engaged we plan to get married when I'm 18. The problem is I've lied about my past continuosly, even though He said he wouldn't leave me but I was scared to lose him. I didn't know how he would react. My past is horrible, I've lost my virginity to someone who didn't care about me and then I just let myself get used. The way he sees it is that I liked getting used. I didn't have fun, I admitted to him it felt good, never really good and sometimes it didn't. The thing he doesn't understand is that when I've grown up I had no self esteem and I've watch my dad beat the crap out of my mother and my older siblings and Was always around violence. I found my mother on the floor overdosed on pills because she tried to kill herself, my dad tried to kill himself twice with shooting himself in the head but never actually did it, my brother tried to hang himself and so did my sister. I tried killing my self twice by taking handful of pills. My family never paid attention to me, always was to busy for me so I went out and got the wrong attention. Me having no self esteem guys actually are saying im cute and telling me im beautiful and I fell for all the game. When I was 16 I talked to him and he is so good looking I knew all the girls are going after him, so I told him I liked someone else and we stopped talking for months. When I did talk to someone else but a few months later we started talking again and started dating and he proved to me that the guy I left him for was a skumbag like the other guys that have used me. The one thing that confused me the mosy about him is that the first time we met we slept together and after realizing he wanted to get in my pants by my past I thought that's all he wanted and that he would be leaving me soon so I kept talking to other guys during the first month we dated. I realized he was serious so I stopped talking to everyone and he became the only person I would talk to and only thing that mattered to me because all I ever wanted was some one to love and some one all to myself. Everything was amazing but then guys from my past have started to come up, and it started tearing everything apart, he started asking questions and I lied about it because I was so scared to lose him. He constantly asks me questions and degrades me for everything that has come up. He has been cheated on in the past and has been hurt so many times. He doesn't realize how much I love him he tells me I make him happier than he has ever been and I've never been happy until he came along. He makes me feel beautiful but he also makes me feel like complete crap when he asks questions. He tells me he has friends that can hack everything and tells me he talked to some of the guys I've been with and it frustrates me. He tells me if I don't tell him everything exact that he will dump me. He's put up with me for so long, and I know he loves me and he is the sweetest guy ever. But sometimes he's really meanto me and Gets mad at me for simple things but then 20 minutes later he is fine again and is sweet to me. He always is sweet to me and we can be perfect and then he starts asking abunch of questions and it ruins everything. I love him with all my heart he is the only person I talk to and hangout with and I tell him I will never change my mind about him because he is all I want. He's told me that we would be fine if he got surgery so he could be the biggest i've had or if he went and slept with other girls that we would be even. The thing that hurts me the most is that he talks to everyone at his work about me and all I've done, but he doesn't tell them
How he treats me and doesn't tell them how old I am. I've introduced him to my family and they love him and I met his family. I just don't want to lose him he has been the only guy I've introduced to my family because I know he is going to be the guy I marry. i wish he knew that I will always be faithful if he could let my past go we would be the happiest and closest we have ever been. He is all I talk about and think about. I couldn't live without him he is the first guy who ever cared about me and I don't want to live life without him. I have forgotten my past and I hate it. i wish he could forget it too I know its hard but he shouldn't have to put me through the things he does if he loves me I know I've lied but Its because I was scared to lose him and now im so deep in a hole I can't get out. I need help in trying to get him to understand and to fight for a love that is worth fighting for because we are meant to be together. I only want to be with him, I want to show him that I'm loyal to him no matter what and my past isn't who I am. I have changed and I'm going down a better path now. Should my past matter? Will he ever change? Will he ever forgive me and forget?
10 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
Read this.  

This article was sent to me by someone who has walked the walk.  She got married to the "love of her life".  She also was very young,  he was much older,  and he acted like your guy is acting.

20 years and 4 kids later,  she's finally left him.  He made her life an absolute and total misery.

Take a half hour out of your life to read this article.  It's true.  And it's about you.  That will be the most worthwhile half hour you ever spent.

And then don't say "but I love him".  He's wrecking your life.

973741 tn?1342342773
The only men in their 30's who are with teenagers are men who have a desire to control.  This is not healthy.  I can not give advice or support for a teenager with a man in his thirties.  It's illegal, for one thing.  good luck
Avatar universal
Ditto the above posters.

What do your parents think about all this?

Your past is the least of your worries here.

If you live in the U.S. this relationship is against the law dear.  You are considered a child who has gotten involved with an adult.

A 16 year old shouldn't be involved with an adult.

Avatar universal
Sorry, meant 17 year old.
3149845 tn?1506627771
Dear i do wish i could impart some of my experience into your being for just a few minuites for you to truely understand the  path you are on with him. You use words like hes very good looking and that all the girls would want him. This is not love for a person this is love for outside appearances that do change as we age. Wait till he starts loosing his hair through balding and gains a pot belly then in a few years down the road may start having an enlarge prostate with urinating problems. I think you may be looking for an escape from the terrible situation in your house hold and men his age have their own place where you can escape to.
Find some nice boy your own age or stay single and do good in school. People come and go in our life and that last thing you need is to depend on  someone other than your self.
Tread lightly on this path.
13167 tn?1327194124
I agree with Life,  and have to say - if "all the girls wanted him",  he'd be taken before he had to resort to dating a child.   Men who "all the girls want" have no problem finding successful,  intelligent,  beautiful women their own age.

I know you're young and you're probably blowing all this advice everyone is giving you off,  but I hope it gives you something to think about.
Avatar universal
At some point you'll mature and realize that guys like this are worthless and worth less than the crap under your shoes. Unfortunately until that point comes in your life, you will continue to be controlled, degraded, abused and treated like garbage by him, because that's what you are allowing to happen.

There is nothing you can say or do for him to change how he treats you. He will forever treat you like this. You have to choose whether you want to grow up like your mom did in an abusive and worthless relationship, or if you want to actually make the HEALTHY choice, break the cycle of violence, and get rid of this loser guy.  I really hope for your sake that you will make the right choice because you're in for a life of absolute misery if you stay with him.
13167 tn?1327194124
Yep,  what Chima said.  

At some point you'll realize that everyone here has told you to ditch him, although it might take you 20 years to do that was what you should do.  

I do have another recommendation for you.  Go to the library and check out "Couldn't keep it to ourselves" by Wally Lamb.  Your library will have it.  It's a collection of true life stories (non fiction) of women who have your story to tell.  You will find yourself in their life stories,  and hopefully you will take heed and not end up like they did.
Avatar universal
Ditto the above posters.  

Think hard and long about what you are doing.
Avatar universal
and of course I agree with all above me.

The Day You Were Born He Was Older Than You Are Now !

His motives are to be questioned.  A 34 year old man is with a 17 year old girl ONLY because He wants to manipulate and control You.  He knows He cannot do that with a mature Woman.  An emotionally and mentally healthy man would not even be able to relate on an emotional level with a teenage Girl, nor would He want to.    

I hope You will do the reading that has been suggested to You

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