I'm in love with an alcoholic

[Xxximmxvi]

5 days ago My boyfriend decided he wanted to change his life and go sober so we could save money,get married,buy a home and have a family.... by the 5th day he got so overwhelmed and relapsed... told me that he hasn't loved me since being sober. That I'm not the same person from when he met me and he feels as though he needs to get away from me to focuse on himself.but he still loves me...as a friend. He went to his parents home and video chatted me later that night talking about how he loves me and it hurts him... how I should go back to Portland to pick up a new ID dance for week and come back. And start this job I just got. Next morning he wants nothing to do with me. I need help

[ZonnyC]

He isn't well and in the best interest of yourself and him I would let him go and heal and while he is healing you need to focus on you and your goals.  The timing isn't good for you two to be in a relationship.  Maybe it could be later if he becomes sober and maybe not.  I was with a couple of men in my past who were heavy drinkers and I can tell you it is a whirlwind of a life; like living on a perpetual rollercoaster.  It's nothing I wish on anyone.  

[Nighthawk61]

Just out of curiosity, did you ever drink with him (knowing he had a problem)? It's a rookie mistake that happens, and yet, it can make him feel that there have been no boundaries in your relationship and that can happen again). If you've accepted his addiction and not had very clear demands, from educating yourself - this can also work to lessen his ability to trust that you will hold him accountable. It's a very complex situation and there are so many variables here. Give yourself a break from it, and please be good to yourself. If suffering from depression about all this, find out exactly how to help yourself, and take action. (working out, new gym, spa treatments, new hobbies, dating with friends etc.)  You're in my prayers.

[specialmom]

You are very insightful!  I appreciate your posts.  

[Nighthawk61]

Hearts Specialmom, hope the poster at least reads it.. lol

[Nighthawk61]

An addict, in recovery, is also told that they shouldn't begin a relationship for the first year of their sobriety. That says to the addict that it's easier to have recovery work, while you are single. and this man may be so scared about his succumbing to addiction, that he feels he needs all the help he can get. Another thing, and this might be hard to hear, but loved ones of addicts often feel they are manipulated into a codependent relationship where they may be part and parcel of the denial that happens in addiction. If this has been the case, and you have not taken a very strong stance with concern to his addiction, he may feel that this is a trigger to him (knowing that he got away with not getting help for his addiction while with you before). An addict when at their bottom and especially hearing the way addicts actually get clean and sober in AA and Addictions Therapists  and talking to other addicts, hear all the time that they can only be with a person that is very knowledgeable or experienced with addiction. Families of addicts often go to Addictions Therapy themselves, you've probably seen it on Dr. Phil, where the addict goes to a Drug Rehab and the family attends the Betty Ford Clinic themselves for 30 days just to be able to deal with everything they must when an addict gets clean. For whatever reason, your boyfriend is not willing to have you become part of his process of recovery. I know this is hard to take. My own mother was not interested in being the "family" portion of my recovery when i was very young in my addiction, and it hurt me to no end. Still does. The loved ones have an effect on the addict in a big way.

Have you every considered what it would take for you to be part of a relationship with a recovering addict. It takes a lot. First, carrying no money, changing jobs if required, quitting jobs if required, moving out of state, if required. going to treatment for 30 60 90 days, sometimes sober living house for a year afterwards, sometimes blood testing helps an addict stay sober (i chose to blood test every second day for two years) staying out of licensed establishments, missing friends weddings if there's alcohol, missing family barbeques, cutting out family members and friends if that's what it takes.,  being single if required by the individual, changing jobs requiring additional education; having a sponsor who you call every time you have a craving and possible trigger; getting very close with sponsor and other addicts, and taking that time away from family, This is what "doing whatever it takes" means and it's a long long list. That being said, there are many many addicts that achieve long term sobriety and are not a threat to their partners or their families, but as Speicalmom has said, most that you talk to also have regrets of years of putting their family members second before it happens.

You're in a relatively new relationship possibly, prior to having a family or buying a house etc prior to making permanent plans for spending your life together. (not just  getting married, but getting to the point of  committing to home ownership together for 25 years works the same. But this relationship is young in terms of commitment, and he is choosing that you both find other people to spend your lives with. He can love you and want the best for you, and feel that separating is the best for you both at this time. I'm sorry that you're feeling blue. So is he. i think he's trying his best to be responsible and doing what he must do for you both.

You could educate yourself by gong to an Addiction's Therapist, and ask to be part of his recovery, but you should give weight to his instinct that it would be better for you both to part company. I personally, needed a partner that was also clean and sober. It is the case with many addicts. Just as clean and sober people are inclined to not get involved with addicts, addicts are sometimes so inclined to only be with other clean and sober addicts.

Again, so sorry you're both hurting right now. Wishing you both all the best. I'm here if you need to talk privately.  

[Nighthawk61]

I'm coming at this post as an alcoholic and drug addict that changed my life in '99 and have been clean and sober since. All i can say about it is this. I was not able to stay sober with the mate i was with. He passed away unfortunately, bless his soul, and i was left alone. I met a man that was also an alcoholic that talked the talk and walked the walk of someone wanting to stay "clean and sober", we both did and we went to any means to make it happen. It happens that folks get together when using, and when they are sober they no longer feel that the relationship will work. For me, it was that my late husband's professional life was based around housing and transporting strippers, being a club owner etc. It just wasn't conducive to my staying sober. I loved him, yes, and we had incredible chemistry, however, the day to day relationship was a trigger to me to use. You can love someone, but it takes more than that to make a relationship work. It's like a science project having two people hit it off and make it work. While this relationship was not one that you both want in your life, the next one may be different. Please have hope and let this go , unless he comes to it on his own that he feels he can make it work with you. It hurts to let go of a lover and friend but there are times that's it's the only thing we can do IF we want a peaceful life and close relationship with our partners. Love is sometimes not enough. I'm sorry too that you are going through this. Please talk to a therapist while you're getting to the point of getting out there and finding the partner that is waiting for you to be free. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers, and will always be here to talk you through to your next big thing. It will happen. Have faith and don't lose hope.

[specialmom]

This is a hard post to read.  I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation for you and him.  Here is the thing, you know your boyfriend is an alcoholic.  You were okay with this and staying with him.  What you are upset about is that being sober makes him question the relationship and not that he needs to get sober.  This is the classic sign of codependence.  That is the second half of illness in a relationship where addiction is present.  Why are you willing, even desiring a person who is sick with addiction?  This is not a recipe for long term happiness.  Loving someone with an addiction is a very hard life.  For starters, they love their drug of choice more than anything else.  They put their need for that drug of choice (current one but know that often a sober alcoholic will turn to other forms of addiction such as gambling, smoking pot, shopping, eating unless they get intensive help) over and above everything else.  It's a life time disease to battle.

And it is a common patter for an alcoholic to not feel as happy with their significant other when sober.  Partly because they are unhappy in general and partly because the haze of alcohol makes them a different person and when sober, that different person doesn't always like the same things in those they share their life with.  I hate to put it that way but if you have only been with him as a drunk, then you two don't know each other well.  

My heartfelt and sad suggestion is that you walk away.  If he gets sober, talk about reconnecting.  But there is no reason to tie your life to this roller coaster.  You aren't living together now or engaged.  and I'd consider that maybe a therapist would help you sort out why you are willing to attach your life to someone who is sick with addiction.  Because you do not want to repeat this again.  

I understand where you are coming from.  Please know that.  And I loved someone with addiction too.  I did not stay in that relationship.  I wanted peace in my life.  hugs