I'm resenting my husband for having us live with his mom

[Thesouthernwife]

2 years ago my husband and I moved states to get better jobs and for cheaper cost of living. We temporarily lived with his mom,Angie, who suffered the sudden loss of her husband a few years earlier. Shortly after us moving in Angie was fired from her job. She started the application for disability. We are continuing to live with her to pay her mortage and bills. She does not work and is home 24/7. We have been waiting a little over a year and a half for her disability to be approved. She has no other source of income.

She drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong she is nice but she constantly complains and never stops talking. Normal things like washing a pets food bowl in the sink isn't tolerated here. I have had to greatly conform how I live my life by being here. My husband says we can't leave until she gets her disability.

I am starting to resent him for making us stay here. We cannot save for our own house while paying for hers and all her bills. I eat alone in my room and rarely sit in the living room as the MIL is there Co Stanly watching tv. I don't get the space I need. I can't have friends over on a whim or continue my animal rescue work. I hate coming home and work serious overtime just so I don't have to come home.

Am I right to feel like this?

[Nighthawk61]

You are absolutely entitled to feel as you do. I would absolutely communicate how you feel exactly to both your husband and your MIL. Your MIL needs to know her place and allow you to live freely in the space you are paying for, in no uncertain terms. The idea that SM came up with, about her downsizing is right. Another option could be that she rent out rooms to make her mortgage payments, maybe do a bit of cheap renovations (putting up a couple walls in the basement etc). and if she is bound and determined to stay put, have her understand that people rent out rooms all the time when circumstances change. Maybe short term rental like Air B&B , You can make good money doing that and it will give her a chance to be around people perhaps traveling internationally which could be fun. Give your husband and her both options, an apartment or renting out rooms. I rent out rooms in my kids bedrooms and am living in the in-law suite myself to make ends meet after my own disability. Yes, i have a husband with me, for protection, but i did the same thing in a house i was living in when i was younger, with no husband. You have to be careful to vet people, making sure to have proper identification, I only rent to people that have worked for over 3 months at one location, preferably much longer , people are less likely to make problems for you if you've got their employment information. Also, i make absolute sure that i rent to men that don't drink every day. If the question is "too personal" that's a red flag. My renters are very happy to disclose they don't drink everyday as they don't want to be around people that do. I get paid cash and only give one receipt for last months rent. The thing is that it might not be a long term solution. She could also share her house with another couple of widows. I prefer the young men cuz it's like having my boy back at home. You have all the power. Take control of this situation and try to be very positive about it. It could be an very exciting change in her life that could add alot to it - think Golden Girls.... lol

Thanks for posting. Hope you get this straightened out quickly so that you can start to save for your own place. When you bring it up to hubby, as i said, be very positive an upbeat. He's there and knows the problems, present the solution in a way that he's excited about his mom making some friends to live with while he and you can be free to live your own lives and make your own family.

[Nighthawk61]

ps my best tenants have been young chinese or hindu males ; i find them to be the most goal oriented and hardest working tenants. I don't have anyone whose on disability because it would cost me more in hydro. You can ask for first and last month (so you have time to rerent if someone is leaving) and if you're in a jam you can advertise (free in kijiji) for short term rental by the week for a higher cost. There are many university and college kids looking for cheap rent, for 4 - 6 month interning jobs in your area. College kids are used to sleeping two to a room in many cases. Remember Southerngirl, where there's a will , there's a way. Keep smiling.

[Nighthawk61]

Another p.s. Try not to be resentful towards your husband, realize that you'd probably do the same for your mom (although hopefully your own mom would have you feel more comfortable); but your mil is now your mom and when mom's get older changes need to be made, always. This is just another one in a long line of them.

[specialmom]

That's a really tough situation.  I think I'd grow resentful too.  Since you are paying the bills . . .  and living there long term . . .  why do you have to follow rules?  ha, go ahead and wash the pet bowl in the sink and if she throws a fit, let her.  Tell her it is your home too and if you are expected to live here, you live as you choose.  End of story.  

Sit down with your husband and tell him that you admire his dedication to his mother but you are not happy. This situation is damaging your relationship.  Ask him if any of this is realistic.  Once she gets disability which is not like winning the lottery, can she afford to live in that house?  Perhaps it is time that everyone prepare for the split that is coming in which she may not get to have the same living situation she had pre losing her job and working for a living.  That she may need to downsize. Then maybe you can look for small, inexpensive apartments for her while looking for one for yourself so that you two can then afford both for the three of you until she gets her disability at which time SHE takes over her bills.  Unfortunately, I think you will be subsidizing her regardless.  

But it is not fair or realistic that you work, pay your money toward keeping her happy while you are unhappy.  That is NOT fair to you and I'd let your husband know that you have given it time, have done your part and you want an exit strategy.  

You don't want to get divorced over this so start letting him know that this NEEDS to come to an end.  Not abandoning his mother completely, not being ugly about it .  .   .  but just living independent from her.  good luck and PLEASE let us know how it goes!!

[Nighthawk61]

Best Answer :)