In a 33 year same-sex relationship and now questioning my desires.

[OldAndConfused]

I fell hard in love for a transwoman in 1987. We got married in Vegas in ‘91. 33 years we've been a team and many of those years, lovers.

I am hard to live with let alone love. She handled both well for a couple decades then things went wrong. I can’t pinpoint the moment but she started cheating and I started drinking.

Now we stay in the same house for business survival and not really wanting to leave each other’s worlds, we mostly like each other. I’ve never met a person as smart and dynamic as her and doubt I ever will.

I have always been Pansexual. An emotional or intellectual connection has always seemed to open the door for physical intimacies with any person.

Now that my wife (clandestine married in ’96 in Vegas) has decided monogamy is obsolete and she will explore other bodies I find myself evaluating what I want from life, what’s left of it.

In my soul searching I have realized I’m more physically attracted to women in belly shirts.

To be more precise, I have learned I am naturally drawn to ‘dirty girls’. Think Courtney Love in X vs. Flint. I found, surprise to me, Courtney's role as a rough and sexy woman got my attention. Same with other ‘hard women’ in general.

I find I am drawn to dirty girls, badass women, girly boys, men with a gentle way with tattoos and tone.

As I prepare to meet another person to possibly share time with I am baffled as to what I want in a mate.

Smart, caustic, fascinating, pretty in some way…

That’s all I have. HELP!

SP

[AnnieBrooke]

What part do you want help with? You sound as though it's pretty clear to you what you like and are attracted to. Is it that you don't quite know what to do about it?

Though the details are more colorful than some couples', the problem is similar to one facing a lot of people in long-term relationships. Time has changed what you want. If you still prefer living with your long-term partner, the two of you need to work out whether having other partners is OK. You could be like roommates for reasons of companionship, but still have separate sex lives. If you don't think that will work, or you wouldn't be comfortable having other affairs near her, the two of you need to talk and redefine your relationship and clarify what you both want of it, and see if that is workable.

Best is to do this with a counselor in the room. It sounds like you two get along enough to start talking but these things can get confusingly loopy to try to nail down. A good counselor can help you two work through it and come to a plan that is mutually agreed.

[OldAndConfused]

Thanks for your time and thoughts Annie.  I don't know quite what to do with it as you say.  I'll keep plugging away at finding a path to head down.  It's confusing me for sure.  She thinks therapy is a waste of time but I don't feel that way so I may seek some individual counseling.

Peace and Good Health!

[CurfewX]

I think individual counseling is a GREAT idea!  As Annie said, it seems like you have a pretty good idea of what type of person you're most attracted to.  Counseling can help you come to peace with the demise of your relationship in its current form, and help you move on in a healthy way.  There's no shame in recognizing that a relationship has run its course, and if you can dissolve your relationship and still be on good terms, and want the best for each other, even better.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Also, don't discount the transformative effect it can have on the other partner for one to have gone for counseling. Whether or not someone believes therapy is a waste of time, she can't help but will react differently to new thoughts and approaches from someone who is getting it together with the help of a counselor. When communications get different, that affects both people. The clarity is different, the habitual reactions to each other get shaken, and things get fresher, and that is even if only one person is in counseling. I'd suggest working with the counselor on what you don't want to happen (unintended consequences) and then on what you want to happen (ideal state). That way you can put the things you want to preserve up front.

Good luck to you, I hope this works out well for you both.

[OldAndConfused]

That is very good advise and reasoning it seems to me.  Thank you.

The more I think about it, and it's been a lot of thinking, some healthy, I am realizing fear is my enemy here.  34 years is a long time and I and am  more than a tad afraid of the changes occurring.  Some insecurities are bubbling up that were not around when she was affirming my ego.  Thanks again for your thoughts!  S.