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Avatar universal

In love with another man

I dated a guy for about six months.  Fell madly in love with him. Never felt like this in the 25 years I was married.  He wasnt ready for a relationship so I called it off . Shortly after that I prayed to God to bring me a Godly man. That's when I met my husband now. Long story short is the day we married I stood in the window watching him and started to cry cause I knew I was making a mistake.  I love him but I'm not in love. I went through with the ceremony.  He has 2 kids who lost their mom 9 years ago.  The youngest was 22 months. The oldest was 8. Been with my husband now about 2 years total.  I'm pretty much "mom" now. I  have recently re-connected with this man via texting. He has told me how he feels and that he regrets letting me go. My heart belongs to him. I cant leave cause of the heartache this family has been through. I need advice. Please help
Best Answer
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome.  Well, while the answer is simple, you probably will think this very hard to do.

Stop connecting with the other man.  Period.  Text him one last time and say you've made a commitment that you feel you should honor.  You are now someone else's wife and mother to his children.  That you no longer want to be in contact with him as it is distracting from your life.

you prayed for a man and one came.  You knew what you were getting into and I just can't eek out much sympathy for crying on your wedding day that you made a mistake.  You went along with it and the damage you will do now is pretty great to both this godly man sent to you and the children you  allowed to bond to you.

So cut off communication.  And know that love is just an emotion like any other.  it can come and it can go.  You are not in love with the other man but the fantasy of him.  you weren't with him that long.  After this man 'you let go' you prayed for a Godly man meaning that I suspect deep down you had reservations about this other guy and broke it off.

Now you are married.  Work on your marriage and being happy there.  If you find that you can't be, then I guess you have to divorce but it is with a heavy heart that I even write that.  I hope you work it out and stay with your now husband.  

The other guy is creeping me out for contacting a married woman that is a mother now to try to entice her to leave her family.  That is a man of low character.  Love is just an emotion and should not rule your decisions.  Be smart about it and see this for what it is.  good luck
7 Responses
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Avatar universal
Thanks everyone. Def made me look at things twice.  Fantasy it is!!!!!
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Well said Tink!
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Avatar universal
Ditto SpecialMom
Ditto Londres70
Ditto Chima 7
Ditto NurseGirl6572

My own 2 cents:
You say You "love Him but are not "in" love with Him.  Well, loving Him is enough - build on that, let it grow.  I'm a firm believer that we don't "meet" our "soul mate", rather we 'grow' into being 'soul mates'.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Ditto the above replies!!  Especially Chima's...VERY well said!

Wake up and smell the coffee.  There is a lot at stake here, and a lot of people who must be considered, the children whom you have gotten to trust you and think of you as Mom....being on the top of that list.

In simple terms, pull your head out of your hind end, look at what you have, and what you're willing to throw away, based on that "excitement" feeling.  Most likely you feel like you do because it's the excitement of the cat and mouse game.  You don't KNOW this man at all, and I agree that the simple fact that he would pursue a married woman says a LOT about his morals and ethics.  BAD news.

I hope you get this sorted out and decide that the family you made with your husband is important enough not to throw away on a whim.  If there are problems in your marriage, then work on fixing them.  Going to another man isn't the answer and will leave you FULL of so many regrets you cannot imagine.  If you think you will be "happier" with him, you're wrong.  It would be exciting and passionate for a while, then when the honeymoon phase ended and you had to settle into every day life, with stability and security, you would be panicked and most likely wishing you had your family by your side.  

I hope you are able to realize that this isn't the answer.  Best to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's pretty pathetic for the other guy to keep harassing you when he knows that you're married. That's a gigantic red flag right there. Ethical people with morals, do not engage in such inappropriate behavior. You made your choice when you married your husband. He is by your own admission a good man. He is not abusive nor a drug addict nor a cheater. That's what most normal women long for, many never find it! You have this wonderful man and a family with kids and you're actually considering throwing it all away on some guy you barely even know and only dated for less than a year who apparently has a thing for chasing after married women?

No, I think it's time for you to take a long look at your life and be grateful for what you have and stop inviting trouble into your life. Think about what you are wishing for and recognize the major flaws in your thinking. Break it off with the other guy because that is going nowhere fast. Concentrate on your improving your marriage because your husband and his children deserve much better than this. They put their trust in you, don't let them down after what they have already been through.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Leaving shouldn't be an option here.  You wanted and prayed for this man (your husband) to come into your life and he is here.  

I can tell you this second man that you think you are "in love" with wasn't sent from the heaven's above especially if he trying to involve himself with a married woman.

I would recommend leaving this second man alone.  You really only dated him for 6 months and I wouldn't even consider that a well established relationship you had with him and it surely isn't worth leaving a marriage.  

Think more about your husband and stepchildren.  
Helpful - 0
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