unsure how to feel about him

[brittanybutton]

im nearly 28 weeks pregnant and being a woman looked into some things today that had been bugging me. My fiance and i have always had what i think to be a good sex life but obviously im wrong i recieved a message from my internet provider saying that i over used usage this  month so anyway i looked into computer history and there was nothing looked further and i found he has been watching porn! is it just me being stupid but it made me feel so sick to think he was jacking off to someone else and im here the whole time he has been off with the sex with me too when i confronted him he didntwant to admit it but all the evidence was there! i just dont know how i feel right now i dont even wanna him to touch me. i just feel really awful now im not very big at all and im told how attractive i am all the time so why would he feel the need to do this?? any advice? am i just being stupid or im right to feel upset about it!? any advice would be great

[specialmom]

Oh, I sincerely doubt he is uninterested in you.  I've known a great many men that like porn here and there and love their spouses and want to have sex with them as often as possible.  It is an "extra".  

[brittanybutton]

wow justin nice to get a guys view i hope he isnt losing interest but i have to admit i dont feel as close to him i used to at the moment.

[Justin69er]

hey i was just reading this, and porn is very common with lots of guys.. from my own experience ya Ive watched porn but only when Im lonely and dont have a girfriend. When Iam in a relationship PORN dosnt even exist. I've watched porn with a girl but we both ended up laughing through most of it , then finally turned it off. My mind was focused on her.. \Why would any guy want to jack off to a video when he could have the real thing !!  thats what baffles me!!    
from my only experience Ive only done that when the flame was dying out or losing sexual interest in a girl.........

[brittanybutton]

thanks hun its really good to get a second opinon! i know i have more personal issues with him and im going to discuss things this weekend!! XXXX thanks again sorted chilled me out a bit :)

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well,  are you really going to leave him over this?  Probably not.  You are pregnant with the second child now.  So, just getting furious about it doesn't help.  You need to problem solve.   He may like porn.  Many men do.  Some partners have a real issue with it.  If you told me it was because you think it is degrading to women (which it is) and grossed you out . . . I'd have an easier time understanding your stance.  But it is making you feel insecure.  That is more of an internal issue or an issue within the relationship.  That won't be fixed by just getting mad at him and demanding he never look at porn again.  I think it is within your right as an equal partner to let your feelings on porn be known-----------  and to ask him to not participate so much (like using up all your internet time).  But you need to understand why he likes it.  It really is often a harmless "release" for a lot of folks and has nothing to do with their partner.  But I always think if it is ticking the partner off, someone can just not look at it anymore.  When they can't just not look anymore, then it is a problem.  

But as I'm talking in circles (sorry, I need coffee)----------  my main point is that you need to address too your insecurity.  So, talk to him.  Talk to him like he is an adult man and your partner but not like he's a bad boy in trouble right now.  Have a real conversation about it.  Tell him that it makes you feel unattractive and like he doesn't want you, etc.  

I think I'd actually move the date of marriage up.  You've got two kids and you are insecure about his feelings about you.  There is no reason to wait to marry once you've got the kids.  (my opinion, anyway).  If you weren't sure you should be together then I'm sure you'd not have had children as a couple, right?  If he has dragged his feet on marrying you, then yes.  This would add to your insecurity.  

Wish you luck dear.  Remember too, pregnancy makes us view all kinds of things in a little different way. Be kind to yourself and him with that in mind.  Peace.

[brittanybutton]

well we were thinking of maybe next year or 2013 but they way i feel right now i just dont even wanna think about it. And its the fact that he had deleted the history so that i wouldnt find it it only becausei looked into due to the high usage of internet on our bill and i was in the computer stored drive! otherwise he would lie about it. I see what your saying i just dont know how to feel about it. I asked him would you like if i got off watching another man? coz basically thats what he's doing. i dont know i have trust issues you see when i was pregnant with our daughter i found out he hadbeen calling texting his ex when i wasnt around and i nearly left him but i didntwant my daughter to not have a dad. i never new howf ar that went but as i stayed with him i had to learn to just not think about it but it plays on my mind and once again he was sly about it and i found out through email! c oz men are stupid and cant cover thingsup! so i dont know im so confused and when i talk to him she just says how much he loves me and that im being stupid and yesterday i didntwant him near me and he jut kept kissingme because i think he knew !! well what do u  think i should do

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, congrats on your baby on the way first of all.  That is always exciting and I wish you an easy last trimester!  

So, your man was watching porn.  While I don't think ALL men watch porn, I do think a rather sizable percentage do.  The majority of the time I think it is no reflection on the relationship whatsoever.  I don't think it has anything to do with not wanting you but is rather an issue of convenience and something some men just do.  Would you be mad if he just masterbated alone without anything visual to do it with?  See what I mean?  It is just part of that whole thing a lot of the time.  I wouldn't take it as a slap in your face or that he lacks any desire for you.  

It sounds like you had no agreement about porn.  I think some women absolutely hate it and that is alright.  They can make their feelins known and work on a solution so that both are happy.  Some men might just say okay and give it up and some will become really angry at the idea that they should.  I do think a lot of men see it as harmless (and it usually is) but if it is hurting the one you love, then I'd wonder if it is worth it and why they'd be willing to hurt their partner over porn.  

But you are not even there yet.  This sounds like you've just found porn in his history for the first time.  So, now is the time to talk about your expectations, his expectations, and where you can compromise.  

I will tell you that some men are odd about their partner's pregnancy.  My husband was.  It weirded him out a little to think the baby was in there.  Maybe this is going on with him.

But my best advice to you is to first not take it personally and second, remain calm and not be angry with him.  That way you can have a real conversation with him in which he won't become defensive and shut down and you can work on what will be best for you both.

Are you two planning on marrying by the way?