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Avatar universal

Irritable Fiancee

Ive been with my fiancee for little over two years. We've been engaged for just under a year now.
Our relationship was amazing in the beginning. Sex was unbelievable, and she was giving in every way possible. I did my share to make her feel special too. Honestly for a while I really saw the "one" in her. Unfortunately things started going down hill few months ago.
She started getting angry at me for the simplest reason. Getting her coffee order wrong, moving in bed at night, forgetting minor detail.
As unbelievable as it sounds, she actually punched me in the face for turning in bed.
Shes loving and great until I do something to **** her off and then its silence, cold shoulder and homicidal faces.
I tried letting her be and she will stick around for a while then run away somewhere till I call her.
If I push her to talk it gets even worse. She will scream, cry, ask to brake up. One day she screamed at the top of her lungs saying I'm hurting her while I never touched her. She was just making sure my neighbors could hear.
She will often say she wishes we never met and that I'm the most horrible person in her life.
When we make up she turn back into a loving, passionate person, that is until I ask her about the fight and what she said. Then its back to beginning again.
I can count one maybe two times she apologized for her behavior. Rest of the time she either blames me for everything or just pretends I'm making everything up.  
I know I'm not crazy but I catch myself apologizing without knowing the reason.

Has anyone gone through something like this?
Anyone have any advice? I really love her, but its starting to be too much. I really cant hold on anymore.
18 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I also commend you for being caring about her while taking care of yourself. "kicking her to the curb and she has mental problems" is probably harsh for someone that you love. That she is moving to her mothers and her mother fully understands the problems is a good thing.

She does sound like she needs help and perhaps her mother will guide her.
As for you, at this point, it sounds like the break is needed and I would indeed think about if you want to start over with someone else or hope that she accepts she needs to change some things but might not do it.  

It's hard to make these choices but sometimes we have to for our own good.  peace to you as I'm sure it is hard.  
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
With her being unemployed explains quite a lot.

I feel you are doing the right thing that your fiancée moves back to live with her mother and you have a break from the relationship.

In my view, your fiancée does have a problem and unfortunately she can only receive help when she admits and accepts that she has a problem.

People with depression very often deny they have a problem and see themselves as being fine.  She may have a condition called manic depression.  Where you get times of "highs" and everything is wonderful and bubbly, and then the "lows", with aggression and uncontrollable moods.  Ask her mum if your fiancée has been like this all the time, or whether her behaviour gets worse at monthly cycle times.

Better to get these things sorted out and find out now, before you decide to make a longer term commitment through marriage.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
She sounds like a total psycho. I suggest you kick her to the curb. There's something severely mentally wrong with a girl who acts like her.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you all for your comments.
I always knew there was something about her, but despite my better judgment I decided to try and live with it. Like all of you said, its only a matter of time before she puts me in jail and changes the lock to my house. Which is totally strange since she does seem like she loves me and cares for me. Its almost as if she cant control it. Whats more shes not willing to admit that there is anything wrong.
Ive tried telling my parents and they cant believe this is all going on, because she is so full of life in front of everyone.
Out of everyone I talked to, the only person that understands what im going through is her own mother.

As shes unemployed at the moment and has no place to stay so me and her mom agreed that its best she moves back for a little while and take a brake from our relationship.
I will talk to her about it tomorrow.
Thank you all again,
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I've made that an art form, I've been told.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I agree, it's hard to get a total read on the situation.  The screaming and making it seem as though he's hurting her disturbs me bigtime too.  That could end ALL bad for him.  Yikes.

Now, the evil eye?  NOTHING wrong with a well timed, well executed evil eye!

;0)
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I missed a punch.  That is a self control issue.  THAT does need to be addressed.  The occasional blow up where you scream or an evil eyeball is in a different category and you can work through but physical attacks are hard to look past.  And if the blow ups/screaming/evil eye ball is all the time, the person has an unhealthy volatility. To that I agree.

It is hard to know exactly what someone is saying from a post.  I do think people can behave badly from time to time and be a hot head and make some changes to over come that if they WANT to.  

but I don't know if that is what is going on.  Punching isn't cool.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I don't know..I'm not seeing this as her being "moody" or having issues he needs to sit down and talk to her about.  She's punched him in the face and the screaming loud enough to make it appear as though he was harming her seems abusive and unacceptable to me.

Just my take on it.
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
It seems to me like your fiancée is very frustrated about something.
Rather than "feed" the argument, once she starts, walk away.

Only when she has calmed down ask what the problems is that you both can sort out.  If the relationship means anything to her and also to you, then you should both decide whether it needs help to get things sorted out before your commit to a long lasting commitment.

Some women suffer from PMS (sometimes called PMT).  This is a premenstrual hormonal problem - Premenstrual syndrome/tension.  If you find that she is only explosive around 10 days before she is to start her period, then that is what she is suffering from and she will not be able to control very much how she is during this time before her period.  
If this is the underlying problem, she can get treatment from the doctor for this.  Eating a healthy and well balanced diet and cutting junk food will also help as well as Evening Primrose Oil.

Perhaps you need to tell her that you do love her, but that if she continues like this then the relationship is over.  She may not even be aware just how much she is driving you away, or she may be doing it intentionally to end the relationship.

Only have a serious chat with her when she is calm and ask her where she wants to relationship to go.  If talking ends up in arguments, write her a letter and give her some time to cool and think things through.

All relationships go through ups and downs.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have to laugh at the 'homicidal look'.  That is a funny way to put that.  My husband says I have an evil eye to burn through the back of anyone's head.  I'm the queen of giving a mean look when I'm ticked off.  Pretty harmless.  

Lots of people fly off the handle.  The issue with it is that it becomes a habit.  Hot heads are hard to live with!!  You probably don't want to tie yourself to one forever.  Instead, if she realizes this trait in herself and also feels she doesn't want to be this way, she can possibly work on it.  If you love her, this could be worth a shot.  

Moody people really bother me even though we all have our ups and downs emotionally.  But if it is a constant back and forth, that becomes hard to be around every day.  

Now, if you do decide to try to work on it with her---  things to remember is that when someone is upset, they often need the other person to back away and leave them be.  When you say you push her to talk which escalates the explosion from her, this is a clear sign that it isn't the route to take.  Back off and let her cool down.  Even if it feels hard it 's the best thing to do.  

So, I'm not sure if it can be repaired or not.  If it is a habit that she agrees is worth trying to break, then possibly you can work through it.  But if she doesn't see it that way and takes no ownership, then you're setting yourself up for hard times if you stay.

We date in order to decide if someone is worthy of going to the next level in a relationship with.  The aren't all supposed to be forever relationships.

However, an evil eye ball is a woman's prerogative and I'd never say to break up over just that..  (or I'd be single.  :>) )  

good luck
Helpful - 0
187316 tn?1386356682
I agree with everyone else. Please leave. You'll feel so much better once you do. It may be hard for a little while but the alternative is living like that for the rest of your life.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
hhhmarky,  i think once you are out of this craziness,  you'll feel such relief and wonder how you could live this way so long.

It will feel like an enormous weight off your shoulders that you don't really realize you're carrying right now.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I totally agree with NurseGirl.  If She's screaming that You are hurting Her and the police are called, You will be taken to jail, no excuses, no explanatio, Her word over Yours.   I would not give Her one more opportunity to put You in that position.  
Good Luck
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
The way she is treating you is abusive, make no mistake about it.  While abuse occurs more frequently from man to woman, it most certainly happens the other way around, and to probably a lot more men than one can imagine, as they are FAR less likely to report it.

This isn't healthy and IMO you need to leave her.  I agree that it sounds like she needs help.  If you stick around, I envision before long you'll be sitting in a jail cell after another episode of her antics yelling "Don't hurt me" loud enough for the neighbors to hear.  That is a recipe for disaster, and the police will arrest you first, with you having to prove your case later.  That alone would send me running, that's ridiculous and very calculated.

Most definitely get out, and quickly.  Sorry you're dealing with this, but don't try to figure it out or reason through it.  Whatever the "reason" is, her behavior is absolutely intolerable and unacceptable.  That's all the "reason" you need dear.  Best to you, you deserve better!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I often see this same type of message posted by women about their boyfriends. Or husbands. The advice I would give is the same. I wouldn't advise a woman to stay with a ticking time bomb like that and I do not advise you to stay either.

Everyone is always on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. But after that honeymoon period wears off and both people are sure things are pretty solid, they start being themselves. If someone being themself is abusive and hypersensitive and unreasonable like she is being then that's a huge red flag that needs to be dealt with. You can't marry this girl and you probably shouldn't even be dating her anymore. Personally I would be out the door the first time someone hit me. There are no second chances when it comes to that. I don't think you should keep allowing her to get away with abusing you and mistreating you anymore. Ditch her before you get hurt for real. You don't know what she may be capable of and I'm sure you don't want to end up another statistic.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would insist on therapy/counseling - or follow Your own suggestion:
      "It's too much.  I really can't hold on anymore"

All relationships are "amazing in the beginning".  The reality is in what You are experiencing with Her now.  
How many red flags do You need?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well first off I'm glad you are realizing u can't hold on anymore at least u know what uwant o mean if she is like this most likely she isn't going to change before u get married...
And sadly yes I've found myself apologizing to my hubby just because I want to end a fight and he's the type to fight all day about something small! But I love him:D haha
But trust me if u don't like her behavior now get out theirs a chance she will act worse ...do u want that?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"I really cant hold on anymore".......Well, I would recommend you go ahead and let go.  

I would recommend you at least take a break from her and reevaluate this relationship.  It doesn't sound like she is in a healthy place.  Ideally, I would say wish her the best and leave.  I would even say she needs some professional help.  

She wasn't like this when you first met her?  

Personally, never gone through this,  but I have seen this behavior before and it never gets better.  

Would you really want to be married to someone like this?  Worrying about upsetting her and pushing her buttons over trival things?  Apologizing when you don't know what you've done?  

Definitely don't marry her.  Normally, people are on their best behavior before marriage, and if this is her best behavior you are in for a ride if you go ahead and marry her.  

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