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Is a relationship with the teenage babysitter inappropriate?

I am a 44 year old widower who is very conflicted about the prospects of a budding relationship between me and the young lady who babysits for my three children. My wife of 16 years passed away this past October after a two year battle with cancer, which left me feeling empty and alone. After my wife started treatment, I knew we'd need help taking care of the children and keeping house, so we ended up getting wonderful a young lady to help us out who was then finishing up high school. She has been a godsend and a blessing, wonderful with the children, and has made all the diffrerence in helping us get through this difficult time.

I feel ashamed to admit it, but over the course of the last two years I began to develop an emotional connection to this young woman who was becoming such an integral part of our family. While I have always known that the young lady had mutual feelings for me, as she has made it quite clear to me on numerous occasions in the past two years; however I never acted on it or discussed the matter out of respect for my wife. Although I have struggled somewhat with depression these past several months, I am finding myself torn with guilt over what is developing into a relationship with this much younger woman.

Since the fall of last year this young lady and I have found ourselves growing closer together, and its agonizing to keep denying this to myself. After she finished high school a year ago she started helping out with the children and around our house full time, with me offering to pay for her first semester of tuition at the local community college. When she needed a place to stay last fall, I welcomed her into our home without a second thought, as we had an unused bonus room over the garage that seemed entirely suitable for her to have a room of her own. While this sweet young lady has a kind and gentle heart, despite having come from a broken home growing up, its fair to say that academics has never been her forte and that she was not a particularly strong student; so midway through the fall semester of her freshman year she choose to withdraw from classes at community college and focus on matters at our home. I was especially touched by her selfless devotion to my children and making our house a warm and loving home, even in the midst of a terribly depressing holiday season after my wife's passing.  

Perhaps because this wonderful young lady comes from an unhappy and broken home, she has gone out of her way to make herself a loving and supportive member of our family. Personally she is a very sweet, petite young lady, barely over five feet tall, although you wouldnt know it given how routinely she wears high heels; and she has very pretty, delicate features with a lithe build. However, she is quite willing and capable of taking care of all the physical tasks assocaited with taking care of a toddler and two elementry aged children. She isnt much of a socialite, and she tends to be rather quiet, but she has a very affiable personality with no particular vices or bad habits other than the fact that she smokes at least a pack of cigarettes a day, sometimes more. Apparently she has been a smoker since before she started high school, but the fact that shes a smoker doesnt really bother me, as a former smoker myself, and she is usually very dilligent about trying not to smoke around the children, which is good. Overall, I would be hard pressed to find a single thing to complain about, and I must admit that I find the prospect of a relationship with her quite attractive, despite the tremendous age gap. I know she has similar feelings for me too, as she made me a romantic valentines day dinner and gave me a very sweet card that she signed "in love", which made me blush; but despite my growing feelings for her I still tried not to shake my stoic mask, and I respectfully kept our physical contact limited to hugs or her occasional touch of my hand. I know she understands why I have tried to hold back on physical affection, but candidly my longing to reciprocate her affection is starting to push back against my feelings of self-guilt over feeling this way about a much younger woman so soon after my wife's passing.  

Recently, Ive been trying to decide whether or not we should still go through with our planned family vacation to Orlando, Flordia, as the resort booked over a year ago has two suites, one for my children and an adjoining master suit. I have debated whether or not its too soon to be taking a vacation such as this, and discussing it with her, as I had some concerns about room arrangements, which cannot be changed at this late date. She has repeatedly assured me that its best if we not worry about sleeping arrangements and just go ahead and both stay in the master bedroom together, even though it only has one king bed that we would have to share. When I expressed doubts as to whether this is the best time for that, she took my hand gently and reminded me how much the children are looking forward to this Disney trip, and that we should go together as a family. It gave me chills to hear this sweet nineteen year old girl describe herself as part of our family, but I also had that tingeling sensation deep down that made me know that she was probably right.

Is this ok, I just dont know? I go back and forth so much on this, Im driving myself crazy and Im willing to listen to any thoughts or suggestions.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I too am sorry for your loss.  However, the thing with the babysitter is a very bad idea.  For a few reasons.  First, your children should be your primary focus.  The person that you've hired should not have conflicted responsbilities-----------  caring for kids, being dad's girlfriend.  A loss such as that of a mother is so significant that it will leave an inprint on your kids for their entire life.  Dad quickly taking up with the babysitter will also leave an imprint.  Both would become quite painful memories.  

Second, jumping from one relationship to the next is not wise.  It statistically has very little chance of making it.  Often, someone is just a bandaid to our pain.  In your case, I think it was hurtful to your wife to even entertain feelings for this young girl (which, how old is she?) while she was dying.  You should have let the babysitter go and found some old bag you would have no interest in lusting after.  I don't say that to be rude, but that would have been the loving thing to do for your wife.  

Again, I ask how old she is.  I'll be straight with you.  You say she is a young lady from a bad home life.  This makes her very vulnerable.  And it would upset me to think she was taken advantage of in any way.  I'm not saying you are----------  but she better be over 18!!  I think the kind thing to do is to encourage her to go to school.  Help her understand that she needs to study hard, get into college and begin a career that will enable her to be independent of ALL men or anyone.  That is strength and the best advice for her to have a succesful future and exactly what I'd tell her if she wrote me. So, if you really do care for her-----------  encourage her to do this.

And let her go.  Sorry for your loss.  I'd place your focus for the next year on your kids and not your love life.  Grief counseling is wonderful, I've been through it myself.  good luck.
Helpful - 0
282524 tn?1348489012
i want 2 start off by sayn im sorry 4 ur loss.she is soo young she hasnt even livd her life yet 2 b tied down. u r old enough 2 b her father, little wierd 2 me, & i understand that she is an adult now but she wasnt when u startd havn these feelns 4 her. could it b that she wants a daddy bc she has came from a home. i would b carful u never no how this could turn out. good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its a receipe for disaster, don,t go there.It won,t last and you need stability in your situation.All the best.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think it totally normal for you to reach out in your aloneness after losing your wife. I gotta tell ya tho that this young lady that just graduated hi school is not going to bring you anything long term but more heartache and I think deep down you already know that. I might suggest you get out of the house and put yourself in situations where you can meet others that have experienced similar experiences and reach out to them for companionship. You might even try the dating scene on the internet but whatever you do, do not pursue this with this young girl, as she will not hang around for the next 50 years and you are doing her an injustice as well. You really do need to look in other areas for adult relationships that will be satisfying in the long run with someone you have something in common with.
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