Aa
Is it time to call time on my marraige? Please help me
My husband can go for weeks...even months paying his share of rent bills etc and keeping €50-€70 for his tobacco and a couple of hours in town on a wednesday putting on small bets and having a couple of pints, I dont mind that, but since July there has been 3 occassions where has not come home for days from his "few pints" and of course all the money is gone. I have not stuck to my promise that if he did it again he has to leave, and have allowed him to pay extra for a couple of weeks to make up the difference, but last week when he came home without paying our weekly electic bill (we are paying off a big one by the week) and had blown €50 on beer and gambling refusing to make up the difference the following week I went mad at him so he did his usual of sulking, not talking to me etc. I tried several times to talk to him and make it up but although he was polite he remained cold and intimitantly nasty towards me for the entire week and surprise surprise, when wednesday came and I asked him to make sure he kept the rent money safe (I pay for the food, deisel, coal and my own credit card debt) and that I would pay this weeks electic if he refused to...he started shouting at me and saying my bitching about money was causing him stress blah blah and I knew he was going off on a bender again and was helpless to stop it from happening. I really believe now that he deliberately kept the bad feeling going to justify to himself doing another disappearing act. I havent seen or heard from him since and its now friday night. I know from past experience he will return without a penny at some point. Am I right in thinking its time to accept he isnt really committed to this marraige and ask him to leave? Also forgot to mention, he smokes hash but didnt have enough money last week to buy any, so has probably bought some this week. For our first anniversary he bought me flowers, gifts and we went out for a meal, last year I got a bag of sweets and this year...nothing, he spent €80 on weed the week before and got annoyed when I said he could have saved some of it for at least a card...so I got nothing. He really doesnt love me at all does he? I took my marraige vows seriously and just dont know what to do...please help me.
dying inside, thank you so much for your kind words and your understanding...you are right I think..but I think it might be the hash he is addicted to and the gambling to some extent as he can take or leave alcohol unless he is stressed or upset. I have a chronic illness (CFS and FMS) so I depend on him a lot when Im unable to get out of bed. In some ways I feel guilty for that and kind of understand why he feels the need to go off for a while, plus he has never really had to be responsible money wise (we only got back together 4yrs ago and I thought he had finally grown up) BUT, I cant go on like this or we will end up homeless. I love my husband but I agree he isnt committed to me or this marriage which makes me feel he doesnt truly love me. It has been a week now since he left and I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. He says he needs to do this when I nag at him about bills etc and for my part, I throw insults at him out of pure frustration so always feel responsible for his behaviour. He knows I hate him smoking cannibis and says that the times he doesnt smoke he is doing for me but Im still not satified! How can I be when he then gets resentful and spends all the money anyway? It is a relief to be able to talk to you all and hear your thoughts from another perspective as I find it hard to see things clearly so a heartfelt thankyou to all who have replied,
I really feel for you; reading your post, I can feel the emotion.
Considering what you have said, it sounds like your husband may have a problem with gambling and alcohol. Unfortunately--and I say this from experience--a partner, a child, a parent, ANYBODY, cannot win when there is addiction. He needs to address his problems; if he doesn't, your entire family will be in pieces.
I personally feel that you should stand strong and call it quits, simply because he's not being supportive--financially or emotionally. You sound broken and lost :o( However, it's easier for an outsider to advise you to walk: love is a powerful thing and causes us to forgive when other's feel forgiveness is out of the question. If you feel that you still really want to be in the marriage, I would suggest giving him an ultimatum: that he gets some professional help or he will lose you.
He isn't putting you first and so you need to.
Hugs.
Considering what you have said, it sounds like your husband may have a problem with gambling and alcohol. Unfortunately--and I say this from experience--a partner, a child, a parent, ANYBODY, cannot win when there is addiction. He needs to address his problems; if he doesn't, your entire family will be in pieces.
I personally feel that you should stand strong and call it quits, simply because he's not being supportive--financially or emotionally. You sound broken and lost :o( However, it's easier for an outsider to advise you to walk: love is a powerful thing and causes us to forgive when other's feel forgiveness is out of the question. If you feel that you still really want to be in the marriage, I would suggest giving him an ultimatum: that he gets some professional help or he will lose you.
He isn't putting you first and so you need to.
Hugs.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm going to put aside the finances for a minute and say that your husband is not acting in a committed way when he does not return home as you say he has been doing. Where is he? Does he have an issue with alcohol and gambling? Do you think he suffers from an addiction? I would be very worried about this behavior and that it is getting worse. That is a bit of a deal breaker for me. If someone is addicted, they either address the problem or you can not live with them. It will drag everyone down.
Now on to the finances. Well, there is no right or wrong way to run finances as every couple has to do what suits them. If you are saying that you feel you unfairly pay for all living expenses and resent that, that is fair. But I think it speaks to a bigger problem that is going on with your husband.
For the record, I was older when I married and was established in terms of finances. I've always had my own credit card in which I receive the bill, a checking account and savings account just in my name. My husband has his own as well. We also have joint accounts. It works for us to have some seperate and some together. I will say that until we had kids we were 100% seperate. Now we are more combined than seperate because I'm not working. But I like my own account too. That freedom factor I guess.
Now on to the finances. Well, there is no right or wrong way to run finances as every couple has to do what suits them. If you are saying that you feel you unfairly pay for all living expenses and resent that, that is fair. But I think it speaks to a bigger problem that is going on with your husband.
For the record, I was older when I married and was established in terms of finances. I've always had my own credit card in which I receive the bill, a checking account and savings account just in my name. My husband has his own as well. We also have joint accounts. It works for us to have some seperate and some together. I will say that until we had kids we were 100% seperate. Now we are more combined than seperate because I'm not working. But I like my own account too. That freedom factor I guess.
I would love to have a joint account, or should I say, I would love to be able to TRUST HIM to not abuse a joint account. We used to have a pot to put the rent in every week until he would give himself "loans" from it and is now the reason we are a month behind on the rent.
pens, I live in the U.S. and my husband and I have a joint checking account for household expenses (to which we both contribute funds) but we also each have individual bills, checking accounts and credit accounts. Our cars aren't even jointly owned, though our house is. Maybe it's variable by region.
You're married...and SPLIT bills? He pays his, you pay yours??? Maybe it's only something we do here (America) but..my dh and I have a joint checking account. That good ol' saying of what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
It sounds like time to call the game. He's the loser, not you. Goodbye to him and get on with your life.
First time he stayed out all night for whatever reason, he might get a pass. The second time he did it he darn well better have another home to go to cause the locks would be changed. No argument about it. When you scold him he acts like a little kid and sulks and then when it comes time to do it again, pics a fight just to justify doing it again. But he always does it again doesnt he? Yep! he be a gonner! But thats me. lol
So you at home paying for everything whilst your husband has all the fun,yeh right,he dont come home,hewouldnt get through the door again if he was mine,i wouldnt say he dont love you,he just got no respect and whilst he is smoking that stuff he wont,he has an addiction and its to strong to give up even to buy you a card,tell him he either gets help or gets out,do it soon before you end up with debt through him
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