Is it time to get out?

[justwannacri]

I have been married for 4 years, been together for 8. It's my second marriage. He was my dream guy when I met him. Hansome, listened to me, helpful and seemed to be great with my four kids. He moved in with us and eventually we bought a home. He wanted to get married but I didn't. I thought that it would change things between us. Now I feel like maybe I knew something then that I didn't want to admit to myself. He can be a great guy. He helps around the house, can do things for the kids and loves me but he has a horrible temper and now more and more I realize that he just is so negative about everything. Everything is life is a competion to him. As easy going as our relationship was when we were just friends its so strained now. Nothing we do is right, when he gets mad and I try to get him to understand something his answer is always that someone else is "winning" or that I am choosing something over him. His mother and sister are the same way. It has me so stressed that I am on three different meds to beable to deal with this. My kids are no longer the happy go lucky kids they once were. He knows he has a problem and always makes the promise that he will get help but never does. Seems like it's always all about him, when I try to explain to him how I am feeling he acts like he's listening , tells me how it's going to get better and all the things he's going to do and then it just goes back to the way it was. I am so unhappy. I have tried everything. He just acts like nothing is wrong and if I say something it becomes a huge blowout with his temper no matter when or how I approach it. Should I just give up? He's said he will go to anger management but never does, we have been to therapy and it didn't work. The stress is ruining my life and I feel like I am losing my kids and the time with them for him.... help.

[brice1967]

RockRose makes a great statement in her last sentence.  Medicating the problem and properly treating the problem are 2 different things entirely.  Medication alone will not rid you of the problems.

There used to be an old saying, something along the lines of.... "the definition of crazy is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting a different outcome".  Addressing the actual problem is the idea.  If your husband isn't willing to address his issues, no medication that you take will rid you of those issues.

I would take extreme caution in regards to your childrens health.  An unhealthy relationship between parents will probably affect your children down the road.

[RockRose]

The rule about mood meds is,  if there is something in your life that is directly causing you to need meds, that you have the power to change,   change it.  Don't get on 3 different Rx's so you can bear the bad situation you're in without making ay changes.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sounds like you picked a loser.  Rats! He's got anger problems and that is unhealthy in a home of children.  I'm sure he had angry outbursts in the 4 years you dated -------------  at the first one or two of those you should have addressed this and not let 8 years go by.  When he didn't follow through and work on it then, that would have been the time to call it quits.  But I guess that happens in life.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  

It is hard on kids, I think, this coming and going of men.  I'm not a fan of it.  But . . .   if you brought someone that is not good for their life into the picture--------- it sends them the right message to rid their life of him.  It tells them that you are strong and won't take c rap from a man, that you put their well being over everything else, etc.

So, yes.  It may very well be time to go.  Good luck and be prepared.  Men with tempers often do not take this kind of thing very well.  Maybe the kids can be at their dad's or out of the house at grandparents when you tell your husband.  I'd make sure they are not around.  

Good luck and it sounds like you've given him chances and the relationship chances and it just isn't going to work.  Peace.

[brice1967]

I'm sorry that you are in such a tough position.  The question you asked, "should I just give up?" is a question only you can answer.  If you've done couples counseling, how long did you go?  Counseling isn't something that you do one day and expect your problems to go away.  It is a work in progress.

And he needs to be willing to address his problems.  If he's not, they won't go away on their own and this spiral will continue.