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436231 tn?1204398290

Is it too late? Do I let go?

My previous post discussed my ex-boyfriends loss of trust in me because of some alcohol abuse problems I had before that really hurt him in the end and finally pushed him to the point of looking out for himself and his well being. I have already taken control of that part of my life and am working on improving who I am as an individual apart from my relationships with others. So before I was concerned with the fact of whether or not he would come back around to the idea of us being in a relationship again.....HOWEVER

Now the issue is that he A) he seems apprehensive to trust me in order to rebuild our relationship and is unwilling to believe me when I tell him things are different ( which I take complete responsibilty for and do not blame him) B) he has been telling me for about two months that he doens't know what he wants and C) (the catch) there is another girl who during one of his drunk nights that I remaind sober he admitting to really liking her (and then didn't remember saying it when i confronted him).

I have told him that I am okay with him not knowing what he wanted because I thought he just needed time to forgive and let go of the things I had done to him...although it doesn't seem to want to let go because he is looking for someone else. I have told him a couple of times over the past month that I know I love him and want to spend my life with him. So while I thought maybe the things I was saying was affecting him in a positive way I find out that he text messages this other girl who lives 2 hours away and proceeds to build something with her and after being confronted about the comment he made to me that night he was drunk his response was ,,,, "We are just friends right now, I don't know why I would have said that, I hardly talk to her". And this girl, Katie, who he freely talks about as if I only think they are friends, ironically only calls him when I am around, or so he says, that they don't talk as much. But when he liesurely checks his sent text messages in front of me its just sickening, but i suck it up because the second I flip he can walk away and justify it with the simple fact that "we aren't together"...yeah I get we don't have a title BUT

To add to the scenario, we still hang out and sleep together. And whenever we are together at that moment he acts just like he did when we were together...

It just sucks because all the while he claims to really care about me and just doesn't want to hurt me, but doesn't he get that he is hurting me and to me from the looks of it he has no intention of us ever getting back together. So why is he keeping me around? I know I said I was okay with him not knowing, but I have asked him as well if things between us are over and his response was that he just didn't know right now? So I don't get any type of closure he justs leaves it up to me...that is an aweful feeling because besides being someone I am in love with...he is my best friend...how do you walk away from you best friend...someone i am ready to marry. Oh plus the other night he mentions to meet that he really thought we were going to get married....it's like he indirectly is trying to hurt me or sabotage it for me.

I'm just sooo frustrated because I don't want to walk away if there is still hope and I don't want to stay if I am just setting myself up for a horrible heart-break in the end.

What is he saying? what does it all mean? How do I know when to walk away? Is it over and I just don't get the big picture?
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436231 tn?1204398290
and i know it should seem like such a simple answer...but it is hard...because like i said he is my best friend and someone who once loved me and even told me just last week that he really thought we were going to get married....so it can happen...thats what i want to think...but maybe i am just kidding myself because I am afraid I will never meet anyone else!
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Avatar universal
The answers to your questions are Yes and Yes.  Move on sweetheart.  This guy is using you.  When he finds someone better, he will leave you in the dust and won't look back.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Butterfly,  you are so good at communicating this very well,  so well that everyone can picture exactly what is going on.

He's using you for sex.  Cut the sex out,  and watch how quickly he vanishes.  

Don't be afraid you will never meet anyone else - you will.  And you'll look back on this time as very painful - we all get that - but facing the truth and moving on will heal you.

Best wishes.
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82861 tn?1333453911
"I have already taken control of that part of my life and am working on improving who I am as an individual apart from my relationships with others."
********************

You need to do some more work in that area.  :-)  It's obvious you still can't see yourself as a person apart from this user.  He is using your guilt about the alcholism to manipulate your behavior.  He's got a great deal.  All the sex he wants with no emotional investment.  What a loser.

Keep working on yourself right now.  Learn that you can survive on your own both mentally and physically without having to rely on a bottle or another person.  Please don't let this jerk jeopardize your sobriety either.  Be proud of yourself for dealing with a very serious health issue with no apparent support from this little boy.  "Oohh... your drinking hurt my feelings so I'm going to make you pay for it the rest of your life.  Waaah waahh wahh."   You are being emotionally blackmailed.  His behavior is inexcusable, and you shouldn't tolerate it for one more minute.
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Avatar universal
I've been through this same situation, minus the alcohol...and he had 2 other girls, one of which is pregnant.  He was always saying how he didn't know what he wanted.  The minute I decided I didn't deserve that, and left him alone, he wouldn't quit calling me.  He will keep dragging you along as long as you let him. It's hard to leave someone that you love, but you always have to remember, theres always something better!  I'm glad to say that I left that guy alone, and I'm now in love with a great man.  
Helpful - 0
305087 tn?1211202671
I am going through something, a little different, but he's saying he doesn't know what he wants too.  I try to think of it this way; if it were me and I was saying I didn't know what I wanted, it would be becuase I DID know what I wanted, I just didn't want to be the bad guy and break it off.  And because I get to hang out with someone if I'm bored, feel like I have the "power"- (unfortunately, it IS sometimes about that) and I get to have sex and not the other annoying parts of being in a relationship.  I know exactly how you feel about thinking you won't find someone else.  I feel exactly the same.  And you think that you'll always compare someone else to him, his ways, the cute things he does, and you wish you could turn back time and do things differently.  And what I am about to say, I am trying to convince myself of:  this painful time is for you to learn from, to grow from and to apply it to your REAL relationship that you will someday have.  It didn't work for a reason.  And the reasons are, 1.)  down the line, if you two got back together, you'd most likely not trust him, or your trust would waiver because of the girl Katie and his lack of consideration for your feelings on the subject.  2.)  He would always throw your addiction in your face during arguments and make you feel guilty so he could get his way about anything.  3.)  He doesn't sound like a caring understanding forgiving individual.  Don't you want that in a man or your children?  I really hope you let him go.  There is NO ONE in the WORLD like you.  He will realize that when he finds that this Katie girl, or anyone else for that matter, doesn't meet his expectations.  Because he sounds like the kind to have expectations that NO ONE could meet.  I don't know him, but from what you say...it sounds like you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!  Go hang out with your friends, as much as you DON'T want to.  As much as you want to sit by the phone and wait for him to call, DON'T.  Go to bed early.  Cry yourself to sleep.  Read a book, take a bath.  Go to dinner alone.  It's all good things that you need to do for YOU.  You deserve it.  Good luck to you and please let us know how you make out.  
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436231 tn?1204398290
He actually ended up asking me if we could get back together just yesterday....
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Avatar universal
Have you heard anything anybody has said ????  This guy knows all your weaknesses and yes I am a male and embarrassed but yes this guy is using you.  You need to get you life straight then decide as out with the old and in with the new.  the story will never change but if you get back together then you and only you will have to face the dissapointment in the future so good luck.  
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