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Is it wrong that my boyfriend's 8 yr old son sleep with us
My boyfriend and I moved in together about a month ago and he has 4 kids ages 18, 15, 11 and 8, I have 2, ages 15 and 13. I have my kids every other week and he has his 8 year old Thurs thru Sunday. The others he only sees during the day, maybe. He let's his son sleep with us, which I feel really uncomfortable with but he uses the excuse that I need to realize it's been just the 2 of them for the last 2 years, basically that's what his son is used to. My kids on the other hand have never slept with me and their dad. They have always slept in their own room since the day they were brought home from the hospital. When my husband and I seperated, and I moved into my own apartment, yes my kids have slept with my but it's just me. I would never allow them to sleep in bed with me now that my boyfriend is living with me. They sleep in their own room. But he allows his his to sleep with us, I feel really uncomfortable with it and i have mentioned it like I said he uses the excuse that I need to give him time, it's just been the 2 of them. Now he's not sleeping in bed with us, but he is still in our room. Basically i think its the same thing. How do I go about telling him that I don't like it and it needs to stop?
My guess is that the son is anxious and that is what the dad did to make things easier at night. How long ago did he get his life overturned by his parents splitting up? And now he is having to adjust to you and his dad moving in together a month ago, and you think it's high time for him to stop this coping mechanism he relies on, and he is only 8. Sometimes kids (even that age) can get seriously scared, crying and begging to be let into their parent's room at night, they genuinely are distressed and frightened. This might have been the dad's way of coping. If the kid is genuinely scared, there is no point in all that "tough love" stuff and "helping him find his way to independence," and saying the child needs to make room for you in his life. Hey, he is only 8. He didn't invite you to come live with him. It's only been a month. And taking a hard line will not do any good if he is genuinely frightened at night, it will increase his anxiety until there are the possibility of meltdowns and stories to his mom about how frightened he is and all. At the very least, taking a hard line will just cause fights between the adults.
You said "he's not sleeping in bed with us, but he is still in our room. Basically i think its the same thing." Well, hm, it's not the same thing. In fact, moving a child out of your bed and into a cot or onto a mattress in your room is the suggested first step to get him out of the bed, and if your boyfriend has managed to get the kid to do that, it's a good step. If you had said the kid was sleeping in the bed right in between you, I'd say he doesn't have that right, but on a cot in the room is frankly a good way to get weaned off of sleeping with their parents since it's kind of boring. This makes me think your boyfriend is on the right road.
Anyway, you are not liking the feeling of a "stranger" being in the room at night, perhaps monitoring your conversations and constraining your movements. But this has only been your bedroom together for one month, and before (apparently for a while) the child could rely on the dad for this comfort. This is not one of your own hardy, self-reliant children who slept in their own room from the moment they came home from the hospital. This is someone totally different. You can't say "My kids are such-and-such and so therefore your kids have to be such-and-such," because that immediately sounds like "I'm superior to you at raising children and here is what has to happen," which any parent would resent. This is a little kid, with a child's emotional system and his own unique worries and his own relationship with his beloved parent. This kid has been allowed to snuggle up with Dad and get reassurance. Sorry but that is what Dad should be making sure his child has, when he has split with the kid's mom. He owes it to his kid, still developing as an autonomous person and learning whether the world is safe and he has a place in it, for the child to feel as comfortable as he can. I'd lighten up. Or (as specialmom suggests) only be there when the kid is not there. All other roads lead to fights with the dad.
You said "he's not sleeping in bed with us, but he is still in our room. Basically i think its the same thing." Well, hm, it's not the same thing. In fact, moving a child out of your bed and into a cot or onto a mattress in your room is the suggested first step to get him out of the bed, and if your boyfriend has managed to get the kid to do that, it's a good step. If you had said the kid was sleeping in the bed right in between you, I'd say he doesn't have that right, but on a cot in the room is frankly a good way to get weaned off of sleeping with their parents since it's kind of boring. This makes me think your boyfriend is on the right road.
Anyway, you are not liking the feeling of a "stranger" being in the room at night, perhaps monitoring your conversations and constraining your movements. But this has only been your bedroom together for one month, and before (apparently for a while) the child could rely on the dad for this comfort. This is not one of your own hardy, self-reliant children who slept in their own room from the moment they came home from the hospital. This is someone totally different. You can't say "My kids are such-and-such and so therefore your kids have to be such-and-such," because that immediately sounds like "I'm superior to you at raising children and here is what has to happen," which any parent would resent. This is a little kid, with a child's emotional system and his own unique worries and his own relationship with his beloved parent. This kid has been allowed to snuggle up with Dad and get reassurance. Sorry but that is what Dad should be making sure his child has, when he has split with the kid's mom. He owes it to his kid, still developing as an autonomous person and learning whether the world is safe and he has a place in it, for the child to feel as comfortable as he can. I'd lighten up. Or (as specialmom suggests) only be there when the kid is not there. All other roads lead to fights with the dad.
I wouldn't be bothered about being the one that made it a rule for the kid to have his own room. This child needs to make room for you in his life, just as you need to make room for him in yours. That's the blended family. In our blended family, i'm the guy that get's the kids to realize their post secondary aspirations, if it was up to my husband, our two kids would be couch potatoes watching life go by. IMO this kid NEEDS you to help him find his way to becoming independent. So I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you are either going to stay in your own apartment, and date until his kid is out of your (essentially) marital bed, or he's going to teach his son that in all families we must respect everyone's rights. It is more right that you sleep with your partner that his kid grows up in his bed. You are teaching him more about life, and relationships by honoring your relationship. Maybe you both need to talk about getting married, so it is traditionally accepted that you have a say as to who is in your bed? And how much influence you should have on the children in the house?
I think either you step back to your own digs, or move forward with a traditional home life for all the kids. Mom and dad sleep together, kids sleep separately.
I think either you step back to your own digs, or move forward with a traditional home life for all the kids. Mom and dad sleep together, kids sleep separately.
4 Comments
I don't think any rational kid is going to thank anybody for having them sleep with their parents when they're 8 9 10? 11 12 13...? A kid respects boundaries, it the boundaries are made with the best of intentions.
A kid on his way to maturation shouldn't be sleeping with his sisters, let alone a non blood female. That's asking for trouble.
oops, i meant sleeping with a parent and their girlfriend or partner or step mom or whatever. ....
Life is change.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. If the dad and son are used to sleeping together, I'd go ahead and sleep in a guest room or on the couch while he is there. I'm sorry to say it that way. But I think that is best. The son won't resent you for kicking him out of his dad's bed and you won't feel weird sleeping with your boyfriend's son. Then you can help the boy along by doing subtle yet encouraging things for him to eventually move to his own room. Decorate a special room for him, night light, bribery (ha ha), etc. As a mom, I would not be happy about my son sleeping in bed with a couple and you don't want her to question custody. Personally, I'm not sure I'd go for this situation. this is a man with a little boy who still needs a ton of his attention. Anyway, if you feel you can't give up sleeping together with your boyfriend for the nights his son is with him, then move a bed into your bedroom or mattress. good luck
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