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Is my spouse cheating on me? What should I do? Need advice!!!

For the sake of my sanity and somewhat nutty need for some privacy (I know, strange since I'm posting this online). I'll be general but specific enough if that makes any sense....

We are 5 years in and I think my spouse is cheating. Three weeks ago we had really bad sex (maybe the worst we've had in our relationship). The next day we talked about it and my spouse mentioned that they had a lot on their mind. When I asked, my spouse mentioned that while checking an old email address there had been multiple emails from a person in the past. My spouse mentioned regret, this was someone they hurt very badly and it happened just a few months prior to us meeting!  I asked what they planned on doing about it and the response was "I'm afraid of what I might say". It then went into them saying how lost they were and needing some time alone. My spouse wanted to drop it, as they didn't want to talk about it anymore. A day or two later, they had mentioned visiting an old colleague (who is married and from another area) for the weekend since it was a house warming. Me being supportive said to go ahead and get your mind off things (big mistake perhaps)?

You know when you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong??? I got that feeling from our conversation. While my spouse has been away, I did the usual chores to keep busy.  One the first night my spouse was away, I decided to pay the phone bill and noticed a ton of text messages to one phone number. I can say that after seeing that, my mind instantly started thinking the worse because of what I had been feeling in my gut. I tracked down the number and it actually belonged to the old colleague my spouse is visiting. I dropped my search at that point, feeling guilty for even being suspicious.

That first night, my spouse mentioned going out with their old colleague and the colleague's spouse and having a blast. However, I did notice my spouse's tone was different when speaking about the old colleague's spouse and how jealous they seemed to be. I don't know what it was, but that feeling in my gut came back. After my spouse hung up (we were on facetime when this happened), I did the unthinkable and did a bit more snooping. I was able to find an email from my spouse responding to the old colleague about regret!!!!! IT WAS THE COLLEAGUE ALL ALONG! They talked about sharing an intimate moment, about chances not taken. It was really heartbreaking and now my spouse is there with this person and me far far away.

Last night, my spouse supposedly got sick and decided to stay in the hotel. In tracking the text messages, I saw incoming and outgoing messages to the old colleague around the same time they mentioned they wanted to go to sleep. And unlike the previous day, they didn't want facetime.

I haven't slept and this morning my spouse called me to tell me they were packing on the way home. They could tell something was wrong in my voice and when pressed, I told my spouse "I hope you got the space you needed and you can come home and be you". My spouse's response completely caught me off guard. We got into an argument (I didn't confront them yet of my findings and suspicions) but my spouse lashed out, telling me how overbearing I was and hung up as they wanted to finish packing.

My spouse will be home in a few hours and I don't know what to do or what to say. My heart is literally breaking into pieces right now. Help!
7 Responses
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13167 tn?1327194124
2lostandconfused,  I found it extremely distracting that you used "they" instead of "him" or "her" in your post.  This is an enormous world wide web,  it's unlikely that anyone will know who you are talking about if you name the gender.    I wouldn't pick nits about this,  except when you said "they" I never knew whether you were talking about your spouse and the colleague,  or just your spouse,  or just the colleague.  

I also think you need to stop apologizing for noticing that your spouse is cheating on you.  If you have to pay the phone bill,  don't apologize for noticing what's on the bill you are paying.    Don't appear to be in the dark about why your partner is going to a hotel when he/she is "sick".  

You deserve to know what is going on in your relationship.  Enough of your partner acting like you don't have a right to know,  and to act on your own behalf.  
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
First of all, most marriages i think have an open full disclosure full transparency of their accounts, so don't be hung up feeling guilty about finding out what's been happening. If it hasn't been your right to full transparency , it should be. You might as well try to be as calm as possible. and that will help set the tone for ah honest conversation. Accept the truth, with dignity and composure. Take it as a by product of having a place to discuss your situation, and benefit from not being alone in all of this. The reality is you need to know the truth above all else, and he'll be more likely to tell you if you are not showing him that are going to fall apart. The fact is that now is not the time to fall apart, now's the time to save yourself from being the unwitting recipient of more lies that would waste your time. Bottom line, you need the truth and you need to think about how you would deal with him having an affair. Before you do anything, you have to talk about it with friends, You can do that here. You're NOT ALONE. You have many here that will walk through this with you. I'm sorry you're going through this. May God be with you and keep you strong.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
"I hope you can come home and be you."

I'm concerned that you would be willing to accept that he might be having a relationship and all you're saying about it, is that you want him to act like it didn't happen.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
ps -- And, if your relationship is in trouble in your spouse's mind, frankly it is in trouble, period.  You can't unilaterally change things if your spouse is on the way out the door emotionally.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
It sounds like your spouse is having serious regrets, even if he or she is not cheating.  Ask if he or she wants out.  You may as well know.

I'm not surprised at someone being angry when you said "I hope you can come home and be you."  Sounded like "Now that in the middle of your existential crisis I have been a good sport about you having two days away, I hope you have gotten this nonsense out of your system and are coming back to be mine as you should."  In the middle of a crisis, someone would hear your comment that way even if you just said it out of worry and concern.

Ask what is going on in your relationship (not what is going on with the old colleague).  Be ready to find out that in your spouse's mind, your relationship is in trouble.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are using the words "they", "their"  and "them." Are you referring to him?  

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's slowly detaching himself from the marriage.  Sounds like he never had closure with this other person.  

You can approach him about this by asking him what's going on and if he happy in the marriage.  I wouldn't bring this up as soon as he gets in the door.  Wait for a time when you feel more calm and he is calm.  Don't approach him in an accusatory or angry manner.  
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
if he happy should be if he's happy............typo
Avatar universal
Tell your spouse that no matter what, the truth is the most important thing. Assure them that you won't flip out and be angry with them if they tell you the truth because as much as it might be terrible to hear, it's better hearing it now as opposed to later down the road. Think about if your spouse seems like the kind of person that is willing to lie to you. Have they lied about anything else in the past? Are there any other incidents that would make you believe they are lying? Or is this a special circumstance? I myself have lied to my partner about pretty important information before, not exactly being unfaithful, but I can partially understand people's choice to lie. Not that it makes it okay, but I can empathize a little. I'm not the greatest with giving advice, but that is what I would do personally.
Helpful - 0
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