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Avatar universal

I've been discarded by someone with borderline

Need a bit of help and I don't really know where to get it from, I had a 6 years close friendship with guy I know called *****, I don't want to say anything to personal but basically I got cut off and discarded by them and I'm finding it really hard to get over it. I've tried speaking to them but I would just get ignored or accused of harrasing them if I text or tried to speak to them and I have never had no resolve to anything even if they didn't think that was needed it obviously was from my point of view.

When I thought we was friends they tried to make me feel and said I was the going mad and I was going around in cycles when all the time I was just being dragged around by theirs and was I was reacting to how I was being treat, I did actually start to think I was going mad, If your told your something for long enough you start acting and believing you are, for 6 years I stuck by them and took it because I gave a **** about him and I didn't totally understand what BPD meant or what I was dealing with. Anyway I wont go into to much detail but they decide to cut me off in the end and discarded me because I felt I was being devalued and dared to say something about it, Fair enough, you don't have to be friends with someone if you don't want to and ended up running off into the sunset with their ex wife a month or so later, its just the way they went about it was so cold "I didn't deserve that" , if there was any problems that all relationships and friendships have I would just get the silent treatment, it would make a small disagrement turn into something 25 times worse, I'd have to back down all the time and feel like crap or end up looking like a loon trying to say the right thing, they just would seem just sit there and put all the blame and everything on me. Making something small that most people would shrug off into a huge problem.

I took it very badly and became depressed not an excuse but I started pushing for answers and kept pushing and pushing to resolve things and I'd just come up against a brick wall of silents, I could feel myself being tipped over the edge and going mad, I tried everything, I couldn't get my head around why someone I was so close to could be so cold, People would say, why don't I just leave it, he obviously doesn't want to know you and he is ill and I didn't need that in my life but still I couldn't, I felt I had my right arm cut off even when I knew I was being treat badly, nobody could understand what I was thinking and feeling unless they was in my shoes.

*** could have stopped all this at any point, he could see I was struggling but decided to do nothing it was more important to keep the heavy silent treatment going, I ended up spilling some personal stuff about him that I really regret now but had so many unanswered questions and had no help from anyone.

**** accused me of bullying because I was acting like this just because he wouldn't speak to me, maybe it was because I've been bullied so I had become a bully in turn, thats wasn't what my intention though and it's really not what I want, I've taken this silent treatment behaviour for 6 years so I felt I owed it to myself to stand up for myself for once, so got it into my head NO! your not gonna do this to me again. I know what I'm gonna be accused of by saying this, I just wish we could have just sorted it out amongst ourselves. I just can't live with all this bad feeling and I can't seem to move on from it,  I just wanted to be acknowledged for once and not be treat like **** or a doormat. I Just needed to say how I feel and I don't see why I should have my sense of guilt being played on for doing that. I don't know if he is still with his ex wife and I haven't got a problem with it if he is I would love loved to have been mates again, no idea why, when every page I've read on the subject has told me they can't maintain stable relationships. I could actually live with the mood swings and the other stuff that goes with it so can't understand why there isn't a way around it, most of the time you wouldn't think he has issues and doesn't always come across like a nasty person and he knows what his doing because his told me his cut other people off and wants to recover from this condition.

Anyway maybe I have realized now I can't fix this and i'm never gonna get closure and I'm really sorry for some of my behaviour, even if i might have been pushed. I wish I never cared about this person and could have just walk away from the situation, *** said he may have called upon me and sorted it out when he was ready if I just left it for a time, that seemed a bit of a selfish comment, it's like saying everything's gonna be on my terms and I'll pick you up and drop you when I feel fit. It's all such a mess.

I'm trying to get on with my life now but I think about it a lot still, I just can't seem to get things out my head, It's been a year now so I can't really carry on like this so I'm not gonna try to speak to him again. I've had friendships and relationships before obviously but I have never came out of one looking a feeling this badly. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I want to fix a one sided relationship when I can't for that very reason? what can I do to move on from this? It's a horrible feeling.












11 Responses
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Avatar universal
I have the same situation that you describe happening to me now. It has been a few years. I understand the inability to stop with them. Talking about it doesnt release it. You have to let yourself feel without guilt. He will go through his stuff.
You’re not alone in this. What you described is exactly what im living. Most people wont understand because you cant until youve lived it.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Thank you for coming on the forum and sharing.  This tells me you are reaching out for support?  It's hard it sounds like.  Are you still in the relationship with this person?
Avatar universal
Yeah I suppose so, he's done me a favor really.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
This deserves repeating:

You DO have a choice in how someone treats you.  If it isn't good, you move on and find someone else that WILL treat you well.  


I also agree that, if after a year you're still kind of obsessing over the situation, it's time to get help.  You'll learn ways of moving on, and quit putting so much importance finding answers to questions that, in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter anymore.  He treated you poorly, he ended the friendship (which was probably a Godsend), and in the end, you'll be better off.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I agree with Londres that now this is becoming more about you needing to let it go verses what he is and isn't.  
Move on and next time, when someone begins being unkind to you-  don't wait for a long time to leave but do it right away.  You DO have a choice in how someone treats you.  If it isn't good, you move on and find someone else that WILL treat you well.  

This is over.  Let it rest. good luck
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Avatar universal
To reiterate......the best thing you can do in regards to this is to seek a THERAPIST for yourself.  

There are unfortunately terrible people out there that portray themselves as decent people and unfortunately you got fooled by one of them, however,  you shouldn't give this person or this situation so much power over your life to the point you are constantly obsessing over it.  

You really need to release this anger and bitterness and move on.  Don't waste anymore of your life obsessing over this.  It doesn't matter whether this person is a Sociopath or not.......don't worry about that.  Just move on.

I think just about everyone has had someone in his/her life than was "less than honest" and fooled them.  The important thing is to live and learn NOT stay bitter and angry for the rest of your life.  
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Avatar universal
I think it's also the fact, deep down I think they might be leaning towards being a sociopath, I really didn't want to believe it, I felt sick, it's like the person you think they or they are trying to be, there not that at all, it's just a smoke screen. I really don't get it.
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Avatar universal
The name has been removed, didn't realise you couldn't delete it yourself as I've only just signed up, i don't know what the law is in America, is it aginst the law to talk about someone in the past tense if it's true, I actually feel quite bad for anyone he might be doing the same thing to,.There is quite a lot I've missed out what he had done that I'm not going into but if I was with someone abusive, should I have just sat back and taken it, I did think it was more trouble then it's worth though... I think its the fact I was reeled in by this person and they played on my sympathy and they was trying to make me they wanted and needed help so it was quite a deep intense close relationship/friendship but on top of that they was pulling the wool over my eyes and holding stuff back and was trying to attack me psychologically and bring down my self worth. I was confused but when they cut me off I started to realise what was actually happeneing.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I like your quick, right on point summation of this situation! Absolutely agree.
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Avatar universal
If its been a year and you are still feeling like this you need to consult a therapist to help you to get past this.  
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13167 tn?1327194124
I think it's a bad idea that you've publicly named someone who is trying to escape from your friendship.  If you can,  I think you should try to get this post removed before he might take legal action to keep you from subjecting him to further public harassment.  

I'm sorry that you've gone through so much pain in this,  but at this point if you don't work to have this removed he might have grounds to charge you with stalking.  

Best wishes.  I know at this point it doesn't do you much good to say "move on",  I'm sure you've thought of that but somehow you just are unable to.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Lots of information here that I worked hard to follow.  When you are referring in plural, you are speaking of this one person, correct?  

I tell you, from all that you wrote, I'm not sure why you WANTED to be friends with him.  You state he didn't treat you well throughout the frienship.  What was so attractive about being his friend?  

I'm wondering if you wouldn't benefit from speaking with a counselor to try to explore why you were attracted to this situation.  It is easy and okay at times to blame someone else but really, when we find ourselves in a bad situation like this, it helps to be introspective and figure out why you participated in it at all.  Being self protective and moving on when someone isn't good to us is a healthy reaction.  When that doesn't happen, I worry.  You were drawn to this unhealthy person and that is something for you to figure out as to why.

It is okay to be sad when a relationship ends and particularly if we didn't want it to and it did so in an unsavory way.  Sad is okay and a normal response.  If you feel you are slipping into clinical depression, you should speak to your doctor.  

But understanding why we are still trying to attach to an unhealthy situation is really key in not repeating it.  

good luck
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