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Avatar universal

Just say what you mean?!

My boyf and I have been dating for almost 7 months, and for the most part things are going pretty well.  He seems to want to hang out with me regularly, but mostly during the week.  We still hang out on the weekends, but mostly at night.  Usually on Saturday mornings, we both have a personal trainer we work out with, but afterwards I may not see him until much later in the evening.  He'll text me throughout the day, but he never really makes solid plans with me on the weekends during the day. Part of the issue is that his parents live really close by, so they are always calling him to do things around their house, or just to hang out.  However, this past Sunday his parents called and he ended up blowing them off so he could hang out with me, which he has never done before.

I told my boyf a few weeks ago I would like for us to start making more solid weekend plans with each other...it doesn't have to be every weekend, but it would be nice at least once a month to do something during the day on a Saturday.  He keeps saying 'we should do this, or that," but he doesn't always follow up.  It's not like my boyfriend and I don't hang out, we do quite a bit...but for whatever reason he doesn't seem to WANT to make regular plans with me.  

Yesterday, he told me he is going out of town to a weekend weight lifting competition with a married couple we know.  He told me I was definitely invited, but he was concerned I'd be bored the whole time.  Ironically, I'm going to be out of town the same weekend, so I can't go anyway.  When he said that it seemed like he felt obligated to invite me, but he didn't really want me tagging along.  It hurt my feelings too that he is so willing to give up a weekend for his friends and go out of town, but we haven't gone out of town together in a few months.  Am I making too much out of this?
4 Responses
Avatar universal
I think you making this more into a bigger problem than it is.  Once again, you are putting it all on him.  

Your statement...."He keeps saying 'we should do this, or that," but he doesn't always follow up."  Take his "this and that" a step further.  Tell him something like this....you mentioned you wanted to (fill in the blank) so I thought we could do (fill in the blank) Saturday/Sunday afternoon.  

Your statement...."Yesterday, he told me he is going out of town to a weekend weight lifting competition with a married couple we know.  He told me I was definitely invited, but he was concerned I'd be bored the whole time.  Ironically, I'm going to be out of town the same weekend, so I can't go anyway.  When he said that it seemed like he felt obligated to invite me, but he didn't really want me tagging along.  It hurt my feelings too that he is so willing to give up a weekend for his friends and go out of town, but we haven't gone out of town together in a few months."  I have no idea how you are reading this as being an obligation on his part.  

Take more of an acitve role in making solid weekend plans and NOT leaving this all up to him to act upon.  




Avatar universal
Interestingly I get a feeling that Ive been there myself. I think that if something does not FEEL good it ISN't good. Have you clearly told him how you feel or have you left the "roll" of the relationship more or less up to him? It is not always easy to be really assertive in a fairly new relationship but I think that if you want it to succeed you may have to take a risk. Leaving stuff to fester and bottling it up may lead to aggression rather than assertiveness which is not good for either of you and can be destructive. So be brave and sit him down...choose a good moment and explain in clear words how you feel...allow him also to express his thoughts on the matter and then meet somewhere in the middle. If you care about each other this must be possible. Good luck .
Avatar universal
Thanks for the comments...I can see both sides of what you're saying.  I do feel like I've let him sort of lead the relationship from the beginning.  I almost never text/call him first.  I usually wait for him to do it.  
He broke his ankle and had a major surgery not long after we met, and wasn't able to to anything for several weeks.  He's still not able to do any strenuous activities or sports, so I try not to push him to do anything like that.  I can honestly say he's the only guy I've dated that I don't spend the majority of the weekend with...not saying it's bad, it's just different.  We actually do have a regular date night every Tuesday, and we stick to it.

I sat him down a couple of weeks ago and I told him these things, and that I would appreciate if it he would make plans with me instead of seeing each other on the fly.  I told him part of the issue is 1) we live about 5 minutes from each other and 2) I have made myself TOO available to him.  As in, when he asks me to do things, I always say yes.  When I told him this, he agreed and said he's never dated someone that's been as available before.  His last GF lived 6 hours away and they rarely saw each other.  To me, if I suggest something to him like...'we should go to a football game...' - I feel it's my responsibility to pick the date, buy the tickets, etc. because it was my idea.  I feel that he should take initiative and do the same.  As for weekends, that's when I have the most time to spend with him...I'm starting to wonder if every weekend is going to be like this, or I'm going to have to TELL him I want to do something.  Shouldn't he want to?  I've noticed he doesn't really make plans with his friends that often either - but if they invite him to do something he usually agrees.

I might also add that he's 34, never married and has never lived with anyone.  I'm not sure if I am thinking too much, or if I need to realize this is just how he is?
Avatar universal
Sounds like this is just how he is, however, that doesn't mean there can't be compromise or change.  So, I wouldn't take this as any "personal hit" because he does the same thing with his friends.  

Your statement...."To me, if I suggest something to him like...'we should go to a football game...' - I feel it's my responsibility to pick the date, buy the tickets, etc. because it was my idea.  I feel that he should take initiative and do the same."..........Did you tell him this?  I would if you haven't.  

Your statement...."As for weekends, that's when I have the most time to spend with him...I'm starting to wonder if every weekend is going to be like this, or I'm going to have to TELL him I want to do something.  Shouldn't he want to?  I've noticed he doesn't really make plans with his friends that often either."..........You are assuming he thinks and does things EXACTLY like you do and you are assuming your needs and wants are identical.  You have the most time during the weekend to spend with him, but does he?  

Perhaps you two can agree on one day out of the weekend to set aside as a fixed day to do something together.  Talk to him about this in detail.  

Don't get to a point of being "fed up" before saying something.  On the other hand carefully "pick and choose" your battles. This is something worth talking about though.  


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